tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2272093124960843754.post9222665627813112368..comments2023-04-12T00:51:49.546-07:00Comments on Not My Rock: Shame is a WeaponVancihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12324986021125687199noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2272093124960843754.post-38637427389676398202021-06-20T19:00:47.646-07:002021-06-20T19:00:47.646-07:00Whoops.
Reading your profile, now it is.
Sorry bou...Whoops.<br />Reading your profile, now it is.<br />Sorry bout that.<br />Please forgive moi, aussi.<br />-GBY-blessed b9, Catalyst4Christhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13650964620664544661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2272093124960843754.post-71870203768534702012021-06-20T18:55:01.238-07:002021-06-20T18:55:01.238-07:00If you're a dude, sorry.
Werent real clear.
VA...If you're a dude, sorry.<br />Werent real clear.<br />VANCY?<br />That aint real clear.-blessed b9, Catalyst4Christhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13650964620664544661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2272093124960843754.post-59091084795583003552021-06-20T18:52:15.547-07:002021-06-20T18:52:15.547-07:00I went through that exact process, too:
a severely...I went through that exact process, too:<br />a severely co-dependant, dysfunctional<br />upbringing and with a speech impediment!<br />But, yet, I trust in Jesus, thus, our blogOramma. I'll definitely pray 4u. Why?<br />Im gonna be a saint, baby, after I perish!<br />No doubt, miss gorgeous:<br />♡ en.gravatar.com/MatteBlk ♡<br />Love you.<br />Cya soon.<br />be@peace.<br />-GBY!-blessed b9, Catalyst4Christhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13650964620664544661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2272093124960843754.post-81225371095217887052013-09-15T20:06:22.655-07:002013-09-15T20:06:22.655-07:00"They just don't effing matter anymore.&q..."They just don't effing matter anymore." Knowing that drives them crazy so they try to claw us back. Truth is, the more they play their games, the less they matter.mulderfanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07500535934417551223noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2272093124960843754.post-54799509666363031772013-09-15T19:53:30.568-07:002013-09-15T19:53:30.568-07:00Anon,
Thanks for the reminder that what they do to...Anon,<br />Thanks for the reminder that what they do to us is truly brainwashing. The fact that I see it for what it is - that's the greatest indication that the facade is broken and it no longer works on me. <br /><br />Cheers back atcha!<br />Love,<br />VanciVancihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12324986021125687199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2272093124960843754.post-58047727772551158352013-09-15T19:51:28.092-07:002013-09-15T19:51:28.092-07:00Q1605,
"Palm it from the bottom of the deck,&...Q1605,<br />"Palm it from the bottom of the deck," I love that visual. It reminds me that they're all crooked, crooked cheaters to the core.<br /><br />It's occurred to me lately that one of the nasty tricks they pull is in how much ever-loving time they take away from us. They set us up to fail from from the start, and ensured that we have to spend our very lives sorting through the garbage they dumped on us in order to just have any semblance of a life at all. <br /><br />Check, sir, I'll keep my spotlight charged and at the ready.<br /><br />Love,<br />VanciVancihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12324986021125687199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2272093124960843754.post-24175416738495265872013-09-15T19:48:38.349-07:002013-09-15T19:48:38.349-07:00Judy,
I love to see you doing your work, taking ca...Judy,<br />I love to see you doing your work, taking care of you. You're an inspiration. <br />"There's no way to make them see, understand, or even shame them in return."<br /><br />So true, my friend. <br />But the end result of all my work to get away, get better, has given me this: They just don't effing matter anymore.<br /><br />Love,<br />VanciVancihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12324986021125687199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2272093124960843754.post-75240828292668226842013-09-15T15:23:47.819-07:002013-09-15T15:23:47.819-07:00"I'm ready, you abusive fucks. Bring it ..."I'm ready, you abusive fucks. Bring it on."<br /><br />Oh Vanci, you make me smile! I am so ridiculously happy for you, so glad that you are feeling strong and independent. <br /><br />It's amazing how loyal we are to those predators we call parents. And wonderful when we are finally able to see things as they really are, and the courage to make changes.<br /><br />Sabotage: the act of destroying or damaging something deliberately so that it does not work correctly.<br /><br />That's what these subhumans (Nparents) have been doing to their children. What kind of evil is this? There is a special place in hell for these destructive parents.<br /><br />My personal perverse pleasure lies in being an enigma to the Nparents. They love to manipulate and control, so I make it a point to be totally poker face regarding anything in my life. They have absolutely no idea what I am feeling, what I care about, etc... and it drives them crazy. Love it!<br /><br />In my situation, I used to think it would be great to face Nparents and tell them what I think. Now I realize that would just give them more ammunition. It's fun being the "Shadow" and watching their confusion.<br /><br />And this doesn't mean not telling the truth to others, proclaim it and help others extricate themselves from their predator parents. No one owes anything to these deranged freaks of nature.<br /><br />There may always be that 'knee jerk' reaction of shame or whatever tool the creeps used, it is brainwashing after all, but it is great to see progress in the right direction. We may not be where we hope to be in our healing, but we sure as hell are alot better than we were.<br /><br />Cheers to everyone making the change!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2272093124960843754.post-4645428597221148952013-09-15T13:42:04.866-07:002013-09-15T13:42:04.866-07:00Shame was my mothers favorite weapon. She could pa...Shame was my mothers favorite weapon. She could palm it into play like an ace from the bottom of the deck. It took me over 50 years to figure her and her tactics out. By then more of my life was behind me than in front. Keep fighting the good fight Vanci and shining your light so the younger among us waste as little time as possible caught in the fog of crazy people. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2272093124960843754.post-85670230875185280482013-09-13T17:44:03.917-07:002013-09-13T17:44:03.917-07:00What astonishes me is how they have no shame whats...What astonishes me is how they have no shame whatsoever. They're so deep in their denial they're six feet deep in crap, over their head, eating it, and they still shovel it like I'm the one who tracked it in. There's no way to make them see, understand, or even shame them in return. It slides right off, and then they toss it back. I didn't understand how insane it was until I tried to fight back, and in less than 5 minutes NM not only shrugged off the reprimand she turned it around on me, and I wanted to apologize about the lies SHE was spouting. In that moment, I knew I couldn't fight her because she would cheat and lie and blame and yes shame. I maintain as much distance as possible. I don't make eye contract, ever. Drives her crazy, and for some reason I don't understand it also puts her off kilter. I'm never even alone with her. It isn't easy, but I accept she is not safe. Full stop. No excuses. She is not a safe person. She may or may not do something or say something each time. It doesn't matter. It only takes once. Keep fighting for you, Vanci. You are worth it! Wow... this post really dragged up some stuff I've kept buried. Time to air and toss. Go you!Judyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07843239483061220089noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2272093124960843754.post-7243191862157808952013-09-13T14:17:51.237-07:002013-09-13T14:17:51.237-07:00TW,
Incidentally, I was abused as it concerned gra...TW,<br />Incidentally, I was abused as it concerned grades too. I DID get 'perfect A's'and NM and ENF told me that I wouldn't be rewarded for them because they were 'easy for me.' NSis and GCYB got paid for A's and B's.<br />While I was typing my reply about, my youngest DD texted me... "I'm so excited! I got a B on my Summer reading essay!" So gratifying that I haven't passed that abusive and unhealthy attitude regarding learning on to my daughters. :)<br />Love,<br />VanciVancihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12324986021125687199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2272093124960843754.post-80528897305192503782013-09-13T14:14:50.745-07:002013-09-13T14:14:50.745-07:00TW,
Oh, don't you worry my friend.
I'm no...TW,<br />Oh, don't you worry my friend. <br />I'm not a 13 year old girl anymore and will never allow them to put me in that position again. One of the curiouser things about life-long Abusers is their inability to see how WE change - probably because they don't. I honestly think that they truly believe that I will react to this newest assault in the same way that I did when I was a helpless 13 year old held hostage by them. Boy are they mistaken.<br />Thanks for sharing your TRUTH, too, TW. It and you mean a lot to me!<br /><br />Love,<br />VanciVancihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12324986021125687199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2272093124960843754.post-76944976057986450482013-09-13T14:05:03.321-07:002013-09-13T14:05:03.321-07:00Hiya Jonsi!
Shame is so closely tied into our sel...Hiya Jonsi!<br /><br />Shame is so closely tied into our self-worth by the abusers; it's so intrinsic for me that it's almost a function of the subconscious. I've had to work for years to identify it and recognize those insidious feelings of shame sneaking up on me in order to even call them what they are. And even then, with my hyperawareness of the fact that it exists, the bitch *still* sneaks up on me sometimes. <br /><br />A lifetime to overcome, indeed.<br />But as the gulf of distance has grown greater, it's become easier to move past it, to recognize it, to nullify it, to blast it all to hell and walk away from it.<br />And now - if they think that they're going to shake the shame tree so that I'll fall out of it, they've got another think coming. Cause I can see them coming from miles away. And what they think they can but on me as shame, I return as facts. Which place them squarely in the crosshairs of their own weapon.<br /><br />It gets better, it get so, so, so much better.<br />Good to hear from you, my friend. <br /><br />Love,<br />VanciVancihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12324986021125687199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2272093124960843754.post-70747432026340717982013-09-13T12:52:16.952-07:002013-09-13T12:52:16.952-07:00Shame and I also had a long, intimate relationship...Shame and I also had a long, intimate relationship. It kept me quiet and submissive. It ensured I'd continue to be the Keeper of Secrets. It bought me all kinds of derogatory "labels" which I believed. Shame launched me into young adulthood and disastrous, exploitative situations/relationships. I deserved to be abused because, well, I just did: I wasn't "good enough" to be worthy of any dignity or respect, a partner who did not continue the only template I knew. I was a "True Believer." <br />"Shame on YOU!" Those aren't just words that underscored my inherent worthlessness. They're the melody that accompanies the years of abusive behavior by NM to further enforce her Regime of Terror, to cruelly manipulate me and to expiate her, the Abuser. She remained hidden behind her carefully crafted facade of "Perfect Mommy" and "burdened" by a kid who would literally shake on the way home with a Report Card if it wasn't "Perfect A's." <br />I struggled with Geometry. In HS the year before I only got a 99 on my Algebra Regents exam. That shame was overwhelming but nothing compared to what happened when Psychob ambushed me as I was trying to quietly sneak in the house on my way home from my Geometry Regents Exam. She was "working" in her "garden." "Well?" she demanded, hands on her hips, trowel clutched in one hand. "I, I don't know if I did as well as last year-" and with that, she started hitting me on my face, head, shoulders as I sunk to my knees in front of her trying to cover my head while she relentlessly beat me with that trowel. "YOU will NEVER amount to ANYTHING! NOTHING!" she hissed over and over again. I didn't even try to get away. Where was there to go anyway? I was 13. I just kept whimpering, "I'm sorry, Mom, I'm so sorry!"<br />The exams hadn't even been graded yet...<br />It's not just the physical abuse and terror, it's the mind-fuckery that leaves the longest Legacy. I do *not* "Forgive." I will *not* "Recant."<br />Please don't ever "forget" or "recant," Vanci. Your greatest allay is your TRUTH: Screw the FOO. You've had many accomplishments in your life. IMO, one of your greatest has been your ability to transcend their Legacy and to selflessly share your journey with all of us.<br />Thank you for offering hope-for all of us.<br />TWTundra Womanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12262066568878267648noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2272093124960843754.post-34990208665762337112013-09-13T09:54:13.754-07:002013-09-13T09:54:13.754-07:00Sigh. Sadly, a great post.
DH seems to feel shame...Sigh. Sadly, a great post.<br /><br />DH seems to feel shame at the oddest times. I'd even say at inappropriate times, and then not at times when I would expect someone to feel shame; which are all learned reactions of course. Reactions that take a life-time to overcome.Jonsihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17517677634712242866noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2272093124960843754.post-26006333893166782162013-09-13T09:23:23.734-07:002013-09-13T09:23:23.734-07:00jessie,
Good to hear from you too.
They're li...jessie,<br />Good to hear from you too.<br /><br />They're like a bad penny, man. Just. Keep. Showing. Up.<br />sigh.<br />Love,<br />VanciVancihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12324986021125687199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2272093124960843754.post-12131697219008999272013-09-13T09:22:34.273-07:002013-09-13T09:22:34.273-07:00vi,
Good to see you, too!
The gift that just keeps...vi,<br />Good to see you, too!<br />The gift that just keeps on giving. <br />A thank you note: <br />Dear mom and dad,<br />Thanks for this sticky, steaming pile of shite. May you have twice the number.<br /><br />Love,<br />VanciVancihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12324986021125687199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2272093124960843754.post-76716305811344894622013-09-13T09:21:09.075-07:002013-09-13T09:21:09.075-07:00mulderfan,
You said it, my friend; shame, guilt, l...mulderfan,<br />You said it, my friend; shame, guilt, lies. <br />These are all the things that Abusive Mothers and Fathers are made of!<br /><br />Love,<br />VanciVancihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12324986021125687199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2272093124960843754.post-54077431694539657892013-09-13T08:22:15.623-07:002013-09-13T08:22:15.623-07:00Good to hear from you Vanci!
Shame: the glue that...Good to hear from you Vanci!<br /><br />Shame: the glue that holds dysfunctional families together. Great post!<br /><br />Sorry to hear that you are having some FOO issues again. jessiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06399613921768190064noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2272093124960843754.post-30216842579457977622013-09-13T06:12:54.004-07:002013-09-13T06:12:54.004-07:00It's good to see you back. And boy are you eve...It's good to see you back. And boy are you ever!<br /><br />Shame is a burden my family gave me too. I cracked up when you wrote about your parents being lousy gift givers. <br /><br />Every bad thing that happens to me, I assume I've done something stupid to have earned it. It doesn't matter if I'd never accuse someone else of the same guilt under identical circumstances. I beat myself up over things that often are out of my control. <br /><br />So I guess I owe a thank you note to my mom and dad. Judithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16354890444410748967noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2272093124960843754.post-51959023994252685012013-09-13T04:55:09.816-07:002013-09-13T04:55:09.816-07:00Shame and guilt go hand in hand. Tell the truth an...Shame and guilt go hand in hand. Tell the truth and you're a liar. Continue to tell your truth and you're a nut case. Keep right on telling your truth and they come gunning for a replacement.<br /><br />What a weird coincidence. My father just wrote to my kid because, no doubt, they've finally given up on their favourite doormat and need a replacement. She's 31 years old and will make her own decisions.<br /><br />What they're not counting on with your girls and mine is that they haven't had the "benefit" of the lifetime of conditioning/grooming that made us almost willing carry the burden of guilt and shame. Instead, our kids have had parents who have taught them to think, trust their instincts, and turn their backs on assholes.mulderfanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07500535934417551223noreply@blogger.com