Thursday, February 7, 2013

Being Present is a Form of Happiness

I go through phases of intense interest in and observation of the people around me.  These days, it's a deviation from normal action for me.  Typically, no matter the group I'm in, I am the de facto greeter, rememberer of names, conversation starter and overall general participater.  I wouldn't say that I seek the spotlight, and I'm not a compulsive joiner, but I've worked very hard for a long time to be able to enjoy whatever the present moment that I'm living in happens to be, and I'm interested in being a part of those moments.  In business meetings, as a result of that desire for sincerity and authenticity, when everyone else is Chest Puffing or doing the Big Boy and Girl Dance of Uber-Professional Talk, I'm often the only person asking questions of others like, "How's your family?  Your daughter must be in junior high school by now, right?  How's that going?"  In other words, I talk about life, and that always lightens the mood.

But lately I've been in a more subdued mood, probably because I'm still very physically tired and because it's February.  Gawd, I hate this month.  Gray, cold, holidays spent, taxes almost due, let's just hope that Spring gets here before June, February.  DH calls it my Speculative Mood; I have a tendency to isolate a feeling, thought, pattern of behavior and just track it, watch it, ponder it.  I learn a lot about people through this process.

I was recently at a meeting with a large group of coworkers, both those that I share office space with and several from other parts of my geographical region.  There is a young lady from another office who is, er, um, well, she's rather off-putting.  She's difficult to talk to.  She gives very little in conversation; her primary contributions seem to involve making sure that all listening understand that she's, of course, right and oh so very smart.  About everything.  It's not malicious, it's more of a low self-esteem projection that comes off as, okay, well, maybe more than a little bitchy.  A conversation with her can feel like a midnight stroll through a sanctimony-ridden land-mine field.

Having survived a lifetime in the B-I-N-G-O spinning ball of twisted conversation and pretentious aggrandizing that was my NFOO, I just shake it off.  She's not central to my continued existence - not my boss, in other words - and I have only the most tenuous of ties to her, so I just let her be right when I find myself in conversation with her, which I noticed at this last outing was quite often.  She chose at several different venues to seek out a seat next to me.  When she gets all Sister Mary Francis on the soapbox, I just listen until I'm bored and then I make a joke.  Most of the serious wanna-be professor types don't particularly care for my blase take on life in general, and tend to gravitate away from me rather quickly.  To which I say, Coolsville Daddio, you go on over there and extol the virtues of contract negotiations and quality assurance systems and I'll be over here enjoying my tea and taking mental bets against myself about which of the coworkers is going to try to hit on the waitress.  But this girl still seeks me out, after four years of contact in which I've maintained my same attitude, which when concerning business often can be summed up with a shoulder shrug and a, "Well-what-are-you-gonna-do-that's-life." or "Well-they-keep-paying-me-so-I-keep-showing-up."  That one really stumps the suits and the ladder climbers.

So, later on, I had a conversation with one of my coworkers whom I actually consider a good friend and she, too, had noticed the way that Ms. Difficult follows me around.  "I just don't understand why she likes me so much," I said.  "I'm not particularly nice to her, but she seems to really want to be around me, I don't get it."  This caused my friend to laugh, which threw me for a loop.  "What's so funny?" I asked.

To which she replied, "Vanci, everybody likes you.  You're the only one that everybody likes.  You're like everybody's best friend.  You're the only one who cares about everybody else.  You're the only real person in the room!"  Huh.

So let me get this straight.  Everybody else is acting?  I'm the only one capable of or willing to be real, to be present?  How sad!  All I can think is that there is so much, so much of value, going on in every moment - I feel like I learn something from every single interaction that I have with individuals or the world at large.  How can anyone not be interested in that?

I think that it's a gift to be able to live in the moment, to be present.  I know that I have a lot more fun at those meetings than anyone else does.  Apparently that's because I'm the only one really there!

I spent so much of my childhood, adolescence and early adulthood afraid, just terrified of what horror was lurking around the next corner.  I was always planning, and drawing up alternate plans, and making contingency plans.  Hypervigilance is a fear based, trauma induced defense mechanism, and that's where I lived for so long, just trying to keep everything under wraps, the hatches battened down, the details routinely organized, everything and everyone under control.

I don't have to do that anymore, and there's such freedom for me in just being able to - forgive the overused phrase - stop and smell the roses.  I'm so grateful that I can just be present in my life these days.

So, a Vanci-ku for you, in honor of the joy of living in the moment:

Fears of the future
Rob you of today's moments
Why steal from yourself?

Love,
Vanci

31 comments:

  1. I bet you bring a lot more fun to those meetings as well! (You're probably the only one in the room that's not trying to impress/intimidate anyone else either.) IMO, Ms. Difficult wants what you have, but she's clueless how to get it.
    No one can teach another how to get real: If you start with yourself, it just kinda spreads out to every other area of your life.
    You sound so good, Ms. Vanci despite Feb. being your "blaa" month in a long winter. I'm so pleased for you!
    TW

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    1. TW,
      I am so good, thank you. I'm comfortable in my own skin right now, and that's just the nicest feeling. :)

      I, too, have come to believe that Ms. Difficult wants what I have, or is at least attracted to it. She's not very comfortable in her own skin, I suppose.

      Love,
      Vanci

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  2. The last year has been a step-by-step process of de-toxing from a lifetime of hypervigilence for me. I always wondered how people achieved a level of comfort in their own skin with living just in the day and not being afraid (very afraid) of tomorrow. Seems to come easy to those without an NFOO background. But it's an awesome achievement for those with it, because it was a matter of survival.

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    1. Oh, yes - this is what I've been trying to say and couldn't get there. The HYPERVIGILANCE is leaving me! That is the peace I am finding, that is the quiet I have. It's weird to be able to walk about without being terrified all the time. Weird and wonderful, after a lifetime.

      Thank you for putting that into words, Brace!

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    2. Brace,
      I'm so glad that you are in a place where you're able to start letting go. It might be easier for those without abuse backgrounds to find self-comfort and ease, I'm not sure. But it is SUCH an accomplishment for those of us who couldn't have survived without those defense mechanisms to let them go. I think that, conversely, when we are able to get out from under the strain, we FULLY enjoy life to an extent that others may not be capable of.

      Good for you!
      Love,
      Vanci

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  3. I used to be like that, though I'm terrible with names. I lost that part of myself lately, trying to stay on top of everything. Thanks for reminding me. I want it back... wow... something else I like about myself.

    Great Vanci-ku! :-)

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    1. Judy,
      I love to hear you discovering all of the items on the long list of things there are to like about Judy.
      :)

      Love,
      Vanci

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  4. I always enjoy your posts Vanci, but this one certainly struck a chord with me. How did your overcome your hypervigilence? This is a huge struggle for me, and has manifested into OCD (not the hand washing kind, but the obsessed with my life is going to end in ruins kind.)

    I have been estranged from my NPs for years. And my hypervigilence has become worse.

    E.

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    1. Anon - I wont pretend to be any kind of authority on this. But what worked for me, was removing ALL stressors from my life. It was a lucky break, that I had the opportunity to do that.

      Quite a lot of what I had percieved to be obligations were simply weights I had put on my own back. I cut down on visiting ANYONE, I cut back on doing ANY favors, I stopped having radio or television on for background noise. All of that helped me to finally get "quiet" inside. I did a lot of mental centering and imagining 'peace' (for me that is the image of me alone in a hot tub at a 5-star resort, at night, with the ocean in the background... well, it is MY visualization, right? lol) I had to finally get enough sleep and oh man...

      It required me to practically go into a cone of silence. But I needed all that peace in order to calm down and be able to hear myself.

      I have no idea if I'm making sense... I actually got very BORED for a while, because my life was so peaceful. Now I just feel sorta zen...?

      Wait. I feel UN-CLENCHED. I will always be weird, I will always have that hypervigilance to a degree. But I stopped letting it own me.

      I hope you find your peace.

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    2. E.,
      Thank you for reading. I don't know how it works for anyone else, but for me, the process of letting go of hypervigilance required that I learn to be patient with myself.
      I'm an ask and answer kind of gal, so I spent years, YEARS, examining every scenario and situation around me and going through this process:
      Is it urgently life threatening? What's the worst that can happen?
      Okay, have I done everything that I can to be prepared if the worst does happen?
      Then why am I still worrying about it?
      Is this this hill I want to die on?

      Eventually, my answers to myself became less frantic, less panicked, and that's when I discovered that I had the space to learn to control my controllables, and to let the rest go.

      It's been a process of surrender for me, which I believe means this: Take the right step, do the right thing that's right in front of you and then
      then
      then
      take your hands off of and let go of the OUTCOME.

      It's painful. It's unnatural to those of us who've spent forever being punished for the minor details of life that we never really could control with our superpowers of hypervigilance and pre-planning anyway.

      After a few experiences with white-knuckling it through the surrender process without the sky falling or the world ending in flames, I was able to let go and come to terms with the fact that, really, so much is out of my control anyway.

      So to speak, most of it's not my rock. If the rock doesn't have my name on it, I don't fucking pick it up. :)

      I hope this rambling description makes sense.

      Love,
      Vanci

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  5. Haha! My DD teases me about "bonding" with everyone I meet. The thing is, I treat everyone like a friend until they show me otherwise. There's always gonna be assholes that try to take advantage or view me as weak, but hey that's their problem not mine. With the right attitude boring meetings and even trips to the dentist can be a fun adventure.

    The broad with the dill pickle up her ass is probably just trying to pick up a few pointers from you. Rock 0n Vanci-ku!

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    1. mulderfan,
      A dill pickle? LOL.
      Like you, I'm a friend maker. Why not? I like talking to people and I know that it brightens their day, too.
      Love,
      Vanci

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  6. Another awesome post Vanci. I agree with Gladys, in trying to let go of that hyper vigilance, it can be a little disconcerting for me at times. The FOO lives in a world of catastrophe and the future and "living in the moment" is something they feel is reserved for other's (a more refined, elite group of people?) but not for us peasant folk. We should be suffering and toiling. I'm trying to remind myself that it is OK to just live. To just be alive.
    Thanks again, Vanci, for another great read.

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    1. jessie,
      You're welcome and thanks for reading. My NFOO didn't just live in that world of future despair - they created it. And understanding that they created it at least in part *in order to control everyone around them (read- Vanci)* was a particularly useful key for me.

      Not only is it okay to be alive in the moment, it's a beautiful experience - usually. I'm sending peaceful, worthy thoughts your way, dear. You absolutely deserve your moments.

      Love,
      Vanci

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  7. Oh yes, I love your Vanci-ku.

    I'm also intrigued that your coworkers seem so attached to you - not because I don't believe you're a totally likeable person, Mrs. McPantsy, but because everyone is always "attached" to my DH too, but for an entirely different reason. In fact, they seem to be attracted to him when he's at his MOST superficial (something that, sadly, he's been for some time, even while married to me...though he is capable of a kind of quiet depth, there have been times when he's flat out refused to access it - which is a story for another day). Anywho - it fascinates me that people can flock to both you and DH for polar-opposite reasons, but the results are still the same. Interesting. Of course the main commonality between you and DH is your similar narc FOOs. So I'm thinking that's the "key."

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    1. You know, you might have touched on something here Jonsi.
      Despite having few friends that I have a "mutual" relationship with, I do seem to attract these type of people too. Lots of them. I used to think it was because I was a good listener. You would not believe the things that cashiers or store clerks confide in me (often while I'm checking out). The craziest shit at times. I once had a woman gloom onto me in a public restroom and confess all kinds of shit. If this had happened once, or twice, I'd shrug it off. But it happens ALL the time. The craziest people latch on and "share". It's crazy.

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    2. Jonsi Wonsi,
      Interesting that you bring that up. Back in the bad old days, when I was firmly enmeshed and rapidly approaching sloshed to the gills, I was the Queen of the Fakey McFakersons. I worked in a field that required this to some level, and I was oh, oh, oh so good at it.

      When we are raised in the absolute dysfunction of Master Manipulators, we pick up some tips. We may not be able to manipulate the masters, but we can certainly learn how to use those mighty persuasive hammers and doubt-creating chisels to carve other (non-FOO, non-narc) folks into the niche we want/need them to be in. When I was rockin' the facade, I didn't have friends. I had followers. Fans.

      It was a conscious decision for me - driven jointly by NC and sobriety - to stop that behavior. It was only ever a mask anyway, and I wanted to strip away all pretenses. In some ways, NC and alcoholic bottom FORCED me to stip away the veil, but it was really more of a return to self (to my home, as TW would say.)

      After that, I expected that all the groupies would disappear, and they did. Now, instead of being followed around for my verve, my laugh, my spotlight hogging falseness, I'm being followed around by those who crave authenticity, sincerity, real joy, and most of these people I form real relationships with and consider my friends.

      I do think that the commonality of NFOOs is a key. ACoNs are incredible people. We survived life in the crucible, all of us, and we wouldn't have done it without SOME spark of infinite strength. It's impossible to find our way out without accessing and re-shaping that strength.

      I know exactly who I am and I am perfectly at ease with it, and that attracts people. I used to know exactly who you needed me to be and be able to project that perfectly, and that attracts people too, though admittedly not the kind of people that really create value.

      That's my two cents, anyway.

      Love,
      Vanci

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    3. You've nailed it, as always, McPantsy!

      This --> "When I was rockin' the facade, I didn't have friends. I had followers. Fans." reminds me of DH from not too long ago. And even when he shucked away all the people from his past (as he continued to date me and our relationship bloomed) he managed to collect new ones.

      But they were all the same. They were always the same. The same kind of people, with the same kind of goals. I've always said that if DH walked into a room of 100 people, he'd be most attracted to (and they to him) the most superficial, manipulative ones in the bunch - the ones who would see him as a commodity to "collect" and put up as a trophy on their shelves. That's what superficial attracts.

      But, as Jessie just mentioned, most ACoNs that I know are good listeners and they are sensitive souls. It's a good attribute. I think it makes them beautiful. But it can also be dangerous when coupled with an inability to say "no," a lack of self-esteem, an innate desire to fit in, or all of the above.

      I'm glad that you're better able to direct your sensitivity now, Mrs. McPants. It makes you a kind, compassionate, but strong person. That is admirable. I believe it is possible to be a compassionate and sensitive individual without having to deal with all those leeches. Jessie - my DH is working at it now too, more than ever. Just one more thing you guys have in common.

      No more leeches!

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    4. Vanci, that's an amazing insight. Like you, I'm in a career field where my continued employment hinges on my ability to be liked. So long as I was under the FOG, I easily kept up the facade. Once I woke up and went NC and got healthier and stronger, now I'm not universally liked. Don't get me wrong--I'm much happier being myself, not the people-pleaser. I just hadn't made the connection until you said it.
      --LuLoo

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    5. LuLoo,
      Thanks!
      It reminds me that we always heal from the inside out. Little ripples. I ran from that career like my hair was on fire, which probably had more to do with the fact that my entire referral/networking base were pretty well sloshed and I couldn't be around that. But it was only a matter of time before my authentic self scared them all away anyway.
      I hope your job won't be in jeopardy because of your growth. I can tell you, though, that if it is - leaving that career was one of the best things I have ever done for my prolonged sanity.

      Love,
      Vanci

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  8. Love this post. This is my goal to be in the moment and enjoy it with whoever I am with. Thanks.

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    1. Ruth,
      Thank you.
      Are you enjoying right now?
      What about right now?
      :) (I'm just kiddin, darlin')
      Me too.
      Love,
      Vanci

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    2. I am enjoying reading your reply right now. I had a great evening with DH too. Thanks for setting me up for a great day. :)

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  9. Hi all, I have kind of a strange request, but I'm not sure what else to try. I'm not very tech savvy, so I'm not sure what to do here. I love this blog, and I'm looking at as many blogs related to dealing with N-parents as I can. I was looking a lot at one of the other blogs linked here, "The Hardest Battle", but now when I click the link, the blog won't open. I really miss the posts on that one. Can anyone tell me if their is a new web address where I can read this blog? Reading these two blogs really got me through this past winter. I am 17 months NC with NFOO this week. Thanks

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  10. Anon,
    Congrats on 17 months of NC. I'm not sure when The Hardest Battle went private or how to get in touch with Kiki.
    Anyone else know?
    Love,
    Vanci

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  11. Kiki went private a couple of weeks ago. I, too, was sad to see it come down as I get a lot of strength from her too.

    I did email Kiki to see if she was issuing invitations or had plans to make her blog public again and haven't received a reply. My guess is that she isn't open to either, right now.

    If I hear anything, I'll let you all know.

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    1. jessie,
      Thanks for the info.
      If you're reading, Kiki, I love you!
      Love,
      Vanci

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  12. I've noticed I've become much less quiet a d more chatty with people than I used to be, and I think it has to do with being more comfortable in my own skin. But I was always still someone quick to smile and show appreciation to people. I can't say I'd earn the praise that everyone likes me, though. I still have a huge personal reserve and don't tend to get too close to most people. I think I mostly ok with that, although at times I wish I were otherwise. But like you said, Vanci, part of the key is being patient withy myself. When I can do that, it's easier to be interested in others. Thanks for the reminder.

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    1. vi,
      I just saw this comment, please forgive the delay in response. Being patient with ourselves is not something that we were taught to do. If anything, I was taught the opposite; to expect blood, sweat and tears from myself but virtually nothing from anyone else. Stupid f'd up parenting.

      Look how far we've come!
      Love,
      Vanci

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