Sunday, September 15, 2013

For the Jonsies

(Those of you who follow me know that I've been out of the blogland loop for awhile.  I've been trying to reacquaint myself over the last few days, and I've been doing a lot of reading. Over at Jonsi's blog, she posted a month ago that she won't be blogging for awhile.  Although I'm very delinquent in my response, I have to write it. It has to be said.)

So, this one's for Jonsi and all the Jonsies of our world.  Those kind, loving and brave, brave, brave souls who reach out, care for, love and hold on to we grown children of abuse.  I identify here as an ACoN, Adult Child of Narcissists because it's an easy little acronym to type.  But what I really was when I started trying to crawl out of the hell that my 'parents' caged me in could be described in so many more words.
Broken.
Ashamed.
Terrified.
Decimated.
Hopeless.
Lost.

If you've ever read or seen the last Harry Potter book/movie, I wonder if you identified as I did with the last piece of Voldemort's soul - that horrifyingly maimed and disgusting infant-like creature on the edge of death that Harry and Dumbledore find in the King's Cross train station of the last act?  That's what I felt like when I crawled down into the cannon that would slingshot me out of the Crazymaker Clan.  I was convinced that I didn't deserve happiness, peace, serenity - that the sky would come crashing down around me ears and that I would be to blame.  I was convinced that I was worthless.  I felt worthless.  I looked worthless.

There was no help for me, as far as I was concerned.  I knew that I wanted out because it was so, so, so painful, but I was pretty sure that I would never feel... good again.  I was willing to settle for a lack of pain, but I thought that was a best case scenario.

These feelings of worthlessness and all their attendant horrors; these are what my allegedly loving, supposedly close, practically perfect in every way (except for that pesky Vanci who refuses to stay in line) family had spent my entire lifetime teaching me to feel.  This is what they wanted me to feel.  A well trained in willing victim; that's what they made me.

People often ask me how.  How?  How did I get away?  How is it even possible?  (And those cynical souls among us, who often soon enough reveal themselves to be Minions to Narcs or themselves Undercover Narcs, this is where they always ask, "Well, if you were able to remove yourself from it, could it really have been that bad?")  Some people, normies themselves or other children of Abuse who are looking for a roadmap out, though, they really want to know.

The answer to that is complicated and highly individualized for each of us, I think.  Some of us don't really even have an answer.  That's okay.  As we say in AA, it doesn't matter how you get here - it matters THAT you get here.  For me, though, a big part of my answer is this:

I had someone who convinced me to let him love me.

My DH doesn't blog.  He doesn't type, Facebook, email.  After 14 years, I've finally gotten him to text.  He can google search when absolutely necessary, but that's it.  Which is fine, we all have our strengths.  But it's meant that he's not out in this blogland with me, reading your posts and giving me perspective on them.

But Jonsi's been here since before I got here, and that, my friend, has been a huge help in my journey.  Seeing a non-ACoN's reaction to some of the things that we've talked about, reading the absolute certainty with which you've been able to drill straight through to the core issue of the problem that most of us out here share - that are parent(s) abused us!  Well, Jonsi, let's just say that if you and my DH met, you'd find that you're two peas in a normal person pod.

For me, when I got out of crazyland, and as I've stayed out it's been vital to my growth, to my healing to know that even when the deeply-implanted-in-my-head voice of the Narcs, the Abusers, the Minions starts its constant loop of putting me down, telling me I'm worthless and unlovable, I can turn to the other voice that's there: the person and people who love me.  My DH.  The Jonsi's.  Even when I knew, absolutely knew that it was impossible for me to be loved, for me to be lovable, DH, like Jonsi (and I'm sure others have different people in their lives like them, at least I hope so,) these are the people who did their damnest to convince me otherwise.  To show me that I was good enough.  Even that I deserved love.

So, to Jonsi and all the others out there who love people like me, thank you.  From the bottom of my formerly shriveled and now-full heart, thank you for being you.  Thank you for fighting for me when I wasn't able to, and for telling me that I had an absolute right to defend myself.  Thank you for re-teaching me what love really is.

Love,
Vanci

15 comments:

  1. Made me cry! My late husband, who had a nasty narc for a mother, was my "Jonsi". His mother was gone so he was finally free but he stuck with me through all their shit and, while not very vocal, he was simply there to love and hold me when they did their thing. My dear mother said, "Good" when I phoned to say he had died and my nightmare resumed in earnest.

    You're right Vanci. Having someone see past all the crap and offer us unconditional love, makes us see ourselves through their eyes. We're good, decent, people who are worthy of love and respect. There's no going back once we realize that.

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    1. mulderfan,
      That unconditional love was so hard for me accept at first. Once I was able to feel it, I spent so long being afraid it wasn't really true, or that it would be taken away. I'm so grateful to all of the people in my life who've loved me just because I was me. So, so grateful.
      Sorry I made ya cry. :)
      Love,
      Vanci

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  2. Yes. Thank you to those who help in the journey each of us must choose alone. The touchstones to reality, not the insane world of the Ns.

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    1. Judy,
      Touchstones to reality is a lovely way to put it. It just means so much to those of us who've had our compasses broken!

      Love,
      Vanci

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  3. This is beautiful. Jeff is my 'Jonsi' - and thank the stars I have one.

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    1. Gladys,
      Thank you! And I'm so glad that you have Jeff!
      Love,
      Vanci

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  4. Others sharing this journey out of crazyland make a huge difference. Vanci you expressed so well the gratitude Jonsi and others deserve.

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    1. Ruth,
      Thank you. They deserve so much gratitude; they create such a huge difference in us and the world with their love.

      Love,
      Vanci

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  5. Wow. Like Mulderfan, this made me cry. I'm glad I could be a touchstone for you, Vanci, and that I remind you a bit of your DH. I take that as quite a compliment. It has been one of my goals, and will continue to be, to show DH what love really is, and more than that, to show him that he deserves respect and honor and a courageous partner. I consider myself lucky (unbelievably lucky, really) that I came from such an amazing FOO because when I look around me, I know that there are far too many wandering souls who had jerks (and worse) for parents.

    I've always sort of considered myself one of you guys. I didn't live it, but I get it. I support you, I'll always support you. You guys are all amazing and I want you to know that you have all helped me too.

    Love,

    Jonsi

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jonsi,
      Didn't mean to make you cry either, my friend. :)
      I'm so glad that you had a good FOO, and that you've been so willing to share with me what that looks like. Especially the possibility that a girl like you, treated well, can turn into the amazing woman that you are. (Makes me hope for my daughters!)
      You mean a lot to me, friend.

      Love,
      Vanci

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    2. P.S.
      That's Vanci McPantsy to you!

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  6. Thanks for this, Vanci. My husband is a normie that I still can't figure out why he puts up with me. His family doesn't really understand mine, but they welcomed me with open arms and it probably saved my ass more often than I can count -- just from their acceptance.

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    1. vi,
      You're welcome, and thanks for being you!
      It's amazing to have those people who love us back to health when we can't do it ourselves. So, so grateful.
      Love,
      Vanci

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  7. Jonsi, Vanci, Gladys, Mulderfan, and everyone else who regularly reads this blog and writes their own; thank you all. As I took the red pill and woke to reality, I find myself more grateful than I can say to all of you. Jonsi didn't live it, but she's been for me the voice of reason who keeps standing up and affirming that the Ns are the crazy ones. Vanci and the rest of you, thank you for the constant reminder that what happened to me didn't happen because I was born "bad", but inflicted upon me to suit the agendas of others--and is overcome-able, as you all prove every day. --LuLoo

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    1. LuLoo,
      Yes! It's so nice to have that 'outside' perspective and affirmation that we are not the problem here, people!
      So glad to hear from you and that you're here.

      Love,
      Vanci

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