Bullies Are Talking Turds

My youngest DD has been having a tough time, and it's resulted in some ongoing stomach issues due to stress.  She has a life-long auto-immune disease that is controlled through her diet and excludes a major food group, so that makes her different from her peers.  She's sensitive enough physically that she cannot eat out - anywhere- safely, which is a tough nut for a teen girl.  So many social events revolve around fast food and/or coffee-like drinks, and when it comes to those mighty bastions of American grubbery, she's -quite simply- shit out of luck.  She sometimes ends up feeling unique (a dirty word for girls between the ages of about 11 and 17ish, if they're lucky.)

DD is a tough, scrappy, take-no-crapola kind of young lady.  She was abused in much the same way that I was, though thankfully to a lesser extent, by members of the Crazymaker Clan, which is something that I didn't know until years after NC.  We've worked through a lot of it, and we still work through it every day.  I've been super proud of her for being so willing to tackle the abuse and the residual effects head-on, and she's made great progress, not least of which is that she is absolutely willing to defend herself.

Part of her significant progress has been that she is a relative rarity for a 15 year old girl: she knows exactly who she is and exactly what that means and she is steadfast in her determination to remain herself regardless of external pressures.  This is an absolute joy to me as a mother, that she is so fiercely aware and independent.  It's amazing to see your children develop their own character.  I'm constantly amazed by the depth that both the DD's possess, and I'm fascinated by their choices, their physical and emotional autonomy.  If they weren't my daughters, I'd meet them as strangers and want to know more about them.  They're just that cool.  Unfortunately, high school is a whole mess of crabs in a pot of boiling water, and that mob of crabs doesn't like to let any of the more independent ones escape unscathed.

And... youngest DD started high school last fall.  Oy.  I'm sorry if you're one of them, I mean no offense, but I can't imagine what kind of experience anyone could have in high school that would make them reminisce fondly for those 'glory days.'  I've yet to meet any well-adjusted and balanced adult who actually enjoyed the hell that is high school.  High school sucks ass, especially when you're a bottom of the barrel first year freshman swimming in a sea of more seasoned than you sharks.

She's had some trouble adjusting and it's begun to manifest physically in her stomach aches, so we trooped off to the family doctor today to get it checked out.  I'm a master of controlling my control-ables, so though I had a suspicion that the tummy problems were stress-induced and that stress was largely related to the not-so-happyfuntimes experience of high school, I needed to check off the list of physical concerns in order to exclude them.  So, that done, we got down to brass tacks and had a frank conversation about the causes and results of the issues.

Poor kids: a recovered ACoN and alkie for a mom means that we always get it down to a conversation about the causes and results at some point.  Sometimes I'm sure they'd like it if I just blew a problem off or yelled about it and grounded them for a week.  Alas, that's not how I'm built.

It was a good convo, though, especially after DD got real and started talking about some of the bullying that she's been subject to and how it's weighing on her.

It's funny, we hear talk about bullying all the time.  It's a bad word in our society.  Bullying is bad.  Bullying will not be tolerated.  We have a zero tolerance for bullying.  But what I've noticed is that it's a very narrow scope of definition that we're willing to accept when we talk about bullying.

We have no problem pointing to the oversized 10 year old boy who's pulling cute little Janie's blonde ponytail on the playground and saying, "Yes!  He's a BULLY!"  And then we send him to the principal's office to pay for that.  Maybe sign him up for a sensitivity course or have him wash some walls.

We watch The Breakfast Club and just can't believe that anyone didn't stand up and say "Stop it!" when those butt-cheeks met the duct tape.  "He's a bully!" we say.

We read about Queen Bees and everyone immediately knows who the bullies are, and we want to point at them and scream, "Bully!"  Maybe do a little capital letter B embroidering on somebody's new Hollister shirt.

We want to point out that No means No and that our private places are private and that strangers are dangerous and that yelling "fire!" will get you faster action than screaming "rape!" and we want so desperately to believe that these coloring-book safety tips will protect our children from the world.

But their peers?  How does one protect a child from the asshole sitting next to her in Math who makes snide comments to the rest of the teens in the class about her breast size?  He didn't touch her, after all, he didn't call her a racial epithet and he wasn't even directly speaking to her .  What's punishable there?

How does one protect a child from the little twit who makes it a point to invite an entire established circle of friends to a party but excludes her?  And then talks about said shindig at length and within intentional earshot?  It's not as if a police report can be filed for Willful Exclusion from a Private Social Function with Aggravated Flaunting.

I think (hope) that schools for younger kids have a little bit more control and say.  It seems to be addressed more and more at younger ages.  (Even then, though, I have doubts about the way it's handled - I can't tell you how many times I've heard a parent/teacher/counselor of a child say, "Bullies are hurting inside and that's why they're acting this way toward you."  As if that matters?  I mean, seriously, who gives a fuck?  Serial killers are traumatized too, am I supposed to accept that they have a low self esteem and it's really not about me if I run into one of those?  Maybe ask them if they want to talk about it before they sharpen the knife?)

In high school, though, which is an overcrowded and understaffed sinking cruise ship with a bad case of e. coli and no radar signal if I've ever seen one, this type of verbal/emotional bullying is de rigeur and so low on the list of administrative priorities as to not exist.  Somebody's getting knocked up in the parking lot, breaking into a locker, smuggling in a joint.  Those are the things the alleged people in charge at the alleged institute of learning are allegedly dealing with.  That and attendance as it directly relates to funding.  So, no help there.  The attitude is generally, "Let us know when blood gets drawn."

It's all so familiar; all the triangulating, rank forming, gaslighting, passive-aggressiveness, crazymaking.  Every time I hear about this shite, I just can't help but compare it to the NFOO.  What is the NFOO really?  A gang of adolescent hoodlums.  A bunch of limp-dicked power grubbing bullies getting off on their little game of Who Can Be the Meanest.

So, DD and I talked about it.  And we came back around to what we always come back around to when dealing with idiots and assholes.  You Browncoats out there, this is for you, "Are we caring about this?"

I mean, seriously, let's just lay this out.  A bully is a POS.  A bully is someone not smart enough to find their own happiness.  A bully is a person who can't process well enough to connect with the world around them.  A bully is someone who's too stupid to know how to entertain themselves.  A bully is a person who's not likable enough to have people like them for anything other than the vicarious jerk-off high of making someone else look bad.  A bully is too ineffectual to do anything of value on their own, so they choose to tear down the accomplishments of others instead.

Basically, a bully has the attractiveness of turd on a sidewalk.

So, again, regarding what a bully has to say, "Are we caring about this?"  Honestly, caring is too strong a word.  Are we even listening to a word that comes out of a turd's mouth?   Even if it can talk, it's still just a turd.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.

You know what I do when I see a turd on a sidewalk?  Nothing.  I don't touch it, I don't talk to it, I don't ask it how it feels or if it's lashing out at me because it's hurting inside, I don't wonder why it's a turd or who caused it to be a turd on the sidewalk.  I get away from it, glad I didn't step in it.  It's a turd.  It's beneath me.

So, we have a new phrase in the Casa de Vanci.  Bullies are talking turds.  DD tells me that she's going to be picturing a very large, very stinky (and hopefully soon to be left behind to lie for eternity on their sidewalk) talking turd if she has one of these encounters again.

Kind of takes away their power, now, doesn't it?

We laughed and laughed and talked for hours about how she can get herself re-centered and all of the good things/people/activities/love she has in her life, and she's going to be fine.  Eventually, once she's herself again, I might even have to have a little pity for the bullies, cause DD's a firecracker; her powder just got wet for a minute.  Eventually, somebody's going to lose a finger.

Nah, I'll never feel sorry for bullies.  I know who they grow up to be.

Love,
Vanci