External Proof of Inner Turmoil

** Warning: this post is dark and likely contains some triggers for some people.  Read at your own risk.

This post is about teeth.  Yes, teeth, again.
Why with the teeth, Vanci?  Well, I have 'bad teeth.'

Really, I do.  I take care of my teeth and I always have, but they just don't take care of me back.  Whether it's due to the lack of flouride in the water when I was kid as has been speculated or due to the fact that at one point in my early adulthood I worked between 16-18 hours per day as a waitress and lived primarily on Marlboro Reds, free soda and the occasional breadstick, I don't know.  (I was 22 and had two daughters to support while battling in court to get my psycho abusive husband out of my life.  It was a rough time, and to add to the stress, the FOO would only 'help' me so long as I tolerated their bad behavior.)

So, I have bad teeth.  They like to rot willy-nilly and I trudge to the dentist to repair the worst of the damage as I can.  But, money's been tight for a few years and there's only a limited amount of 'tooth' funding to spead around.  So, the kids teeth come first, and then DH and I take turns getting work done based on the very simple equation of; he/she who is in the most pain goes to the dentist next.

The whole dental question fascinates me, though, in the context of the twisted narcissistic order of preference that I grew up with.  I worked really hard to find a dentist that DH, DDs and I would all feel comfortable with, and we all go in every 6 months for our cleanings and whatever check ups the dentist recommends.  The rule is that if the DDs need anything done, we schedule it, do it and figure out how to make the money work.  If DH or I need something done, well, back to the pain question. 

I don't remember ever seeing a dentist when I was a kid unless I had a toothache.  No regular cleanings, no trips to the hygenist, no xrays, certainly no orthodontia.  Part of this, I'm sure, is because we moved so flippin much - who can keep up with cleaning dates when you're barely even unpacked in a house before you're packing back up?  That logic would fly under normal circumstances, but we're dealing with narcs here, so of course, there's more.

OS did go to the dentist on a regular basis.  She had orthodontic retainers, too, for her slight overbite and slightly crooked teeth as a teen.  She also had a tooth die due to trauma in her early 20's.  NM and EF willingly shelled out the money for that dental work too.  
It's just yet another example of exactly how screwed up the Crazymaker Clan was and is.

I woke up this morning with a shooting pain in one of my molars - it's been on the list for repair for awhile - and I knew right away what was going on.  I've been struggling for a couple of weeks.

Six weeks ago NM finally (after four years) called and made an appointment with my therapist.  We met.  Everything was exactly the same as it's always been on their end, but I could see where I've evolved.  They still dish the shit, but none of it gets on me anymore.  Even though we didn't resolve anything, that knowledge was a win. 
I've struggled since with acceptance of what that counseling session taught me: I'm willing to create safe parameters to have a healthy relationship with them, or to have none at all.  They are only willing to seek a way to have the same relationship that we used to.  And, really, why wouldn't they want that?  It was a lose-lose deal for me, but it was a win-win for them.  That realization of knowledge has  been keeping me up at night, because it's a game-changer for me. 

It made it clear that my NC boundaries need to change, that I need to take away their ability to contact me, even through a therapist, and make it so that NC will continue until (if) I choose to contact them.  I was working on how to accomplish this.

But then...
Two weeks ago one of my DDs revealed to me that she had been abused in a way I was previously unaware of by one of the members of the FOO, and another member of the FOO knew about it and covered it up.  I was able to take my experience with severe dysfunction and use it to help DD by validating her, believeing in her, protecting her and seeking the help that she needs with her.  It will be an ongoing process, no doubt, but she'll be fine, we'll be fine.  We'll walk through it together and we'll make it to the other side and we'll find ways to grow and learn through this painful process.

The anger, no, rage, that I feel is overwhelming right now.  I'm resisting the urge to direct that rage at myself - conditioning, conditioning, conditioning - for not protecting her, for not getting her out sooner, because I know two things: I really did the best I could with what I had at the time, which wasn't much, and at least I did finally wake up.  Was it soon enough?  No.  But at least I did make it happen.

Most of the rage is directed at the Crazymakers, because of the pain they cause(d) but also because, after all this time, all the work I've done to create space, to protect, to establish and maintain sanity and serenity, when it comes to them and their actions nothing fucking changed.  They're the same sick fucks that they were when I was a child, that they were when my DD's were younger and that they were six weeks ago in a counselor's office.

I can't change it, I can't change them, but I can change me.

So, I'm going to be slamming the doors.  I'll be taking my 'relationship' with the FOO from NC to a state of completely severed ties.  I've been struggling with the correct way to effect this while still keeping my side of the street clean, for my own health and benefit. 

In the meantime, while I try to 'do normal' during the day and allow myself time to process all this, apparently my body has decided to add a little fuel to the fire.  I had a toothache today because I clenched my jaw so hard in my sleep last night that I actually cracked one of my molars.  To cop an Alice Millerism, the body doesn't lie.  This is urgent.

The sooner I close those doors and put up the iron curtain, the better.  A girl's only got so many teeth.

Sorry for the darkess of this post, but darkness is what they have brought into my life and what they will always bring.  Once I get those doors shut I'll be working hard to open up my own windows and let the sunshine back into my soul.  Thanks for being on this journey with me.

Love,
Vanci