Self-Worth and Conflict

I took a (thankfully rare) business trip last week to spend two days in the excellent company of the other twelve people within my state who hold the same job position that I do.  It was uplifting to be with my peers even if the disruption of my schedule and day-to-day life was exhausting to recover from.  I've been ruminating in some of what I learned of myself, and thought I'd share some conclusions I've come to regarding fear of conflict and how it relates to a strong sense of self-worth.

I have an interesting job in that I have a lot of power to make things happen.  I am the face and voice of my company to all the clients within our portfolio, and I am almost solely responsible for the 'customer experience,' (and I'm captioning that because I just hate corporate buzz words and phrases.)  My actions, largely, dictate our clients' continued happiness.  Additionally, I function in a role that places within my hands the ability to move almost all transactions forward, to make things happen for others, while posting credit for a job well done in the name of others; those that I assist.  I knew this going into my job and I actually chose the job partly because of this.  I don't feel slighted and I don't miss the recognition.  I enjoy the anonymity that I am allowed to function successfully within.

These same parameters are true for all of my counterparts, and the job therefore tends to attract a certain type of personality to it.  We are largely nurturers; willing to work hard and toil to complete tasks from the realm of mindless to head-ache inducingly complex while claiming no credit for the job when it's done.  We are behind the scenes people.  We are self-motivated.  We are intuitive.  We are open to change and criticism and we are always looking for more efficient ways to accomplish our tasks.  We're untitled and unsung movers and shakers, at least in my mind.

Interestingly, I discovered an area of personality where I am very different from my peers, though.  When it comes to conflict of any kind, most of these folks are very, very shy.  They are a positive group, always looking for that silver lining, but when they are directly confronted with anything other than the most passive tone imaginable, they quickly fold, cave, give in.  Often, there are tears.  I was shocked by this to an extent, until I remembered that I used to be like this too.


Frankly, now, daily, I am a bad-ass.  I take no shit from anyone unless it's my previously dished shit being thrown back at me and I know I started it.  At one point in the meeting, several of my peers were discussing a particular external partner that we all work with and how difficult he was to get along with.  I'll call him Jerk.  Their collective way of problem solving around this individual's attitude problem was to... find another partner to work with and not tell the Jerk they were doing so.  I couldn't believe that this was their best plan, and asked why no one had just stood up to Jerk.  I was asked if he was a jerk to me.  My answer,
"Listen, the guy's a Jerk.  So, one day he called me and needed something and he was being a jerk, so I said, 'Hey!  Jerk!  You're talking to me ALL wrong for someone who needs a favor!"  And he backed down.  He's been pleasant and respectful ever since.  Amazing what happens when you burst the bubble, isn't it?

I am not grateful for the defense mechanisms and personality guards that I have to keep in place due to my NFOO.  As much as I would like to say I'm grateful for these necessities, that would be a lie.  I'm grateful I learned how to protect myself, sure, but I'd rather that I was never wounded so deeply that I needed them.  Still, they are of use.  I've faced down bigger demons in my day than any that my co-workers can possibly throw at me.  Jerk's got nothing on them!  And I think that this is a key to my self-worth and lack of fear of conflict.

I am Vanci.  I know who I am and I'm comfortable in my skin almost all of the time.  When I am uncomfortable, I know that this is just a clue that I have something I'm not dealing with and I take proper steps to rectify it.  There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that anyone can say or do in the course of the day that can change who I am.  I embrace me.  If others don't, no harm no foul.  I don't have to be loved by everyone.  And I don't have to love everyone else.  I can be civil, when civility is called for and I live in the knowledge that what other people think of me is truly none of my business.

However, I am not passive, particularly when it comes to others' treatment of me.  I understand that everyone has a different approach to communication within business, and I try to be open to other people's ways and means.  Still, I am a human being, and most of the time a very good one.  I deserve to be treated as such.  I am not a doormat and I never will be again.  If this creates conflict, so be it.  Conflict creates opportunity for growth.

I can trace this self-assuredness directly to my upbringing and my life as an ACoN.  I was treated like shit, and I was treated like shit for no damn good reason.  There's nothing I can do to change that, but as an adult I've grown and I've taken a really hard look at myself.  What have I learned?  That I deserve not to be treated like shit.  Therefore (and this is the uber-practical part of my that just insists on turning every scenario into an equation: 1+1=2, always) I will not allow myself to be treated like shit, and if somebody's got a problem with that boundary, well, step on into the ring and let's go a few rounds.

I'm glad for the confidence and lack of fear that this evolved attitude allows me.  I get to be me, and that's apparently more than some people allow themselves.  I'll take it.

You got a problem with that? :)

Love,
Vanci