To Make Amends

I've been ruminating lately on the whole apology vs. amends question I've come across in this blog community as well as in life.  I wanted to share my take on it.

An apology:
Saying "I am sorry," means "I screwed up.  I apologize."

An amends:
Making amends is a little more complicated, I think.  Amends are - technically speaking - payback.  Amends mean that I'm going to engage in restitution, that I will compensate you for the behavior I hurt you with, and the payment will be better behavior.
In my opinion, amends work like this.  I say, "Here's what I did, and it was wrong.  I know that I hurt you by doing this.  It was my fault.  I am responsible.  I am never going to do that again, because I have taken ownership of the choice to behave in that way toward you, and I regret it.  I wish I wouldn't have hurt you because you are valuable and I had no right."

Apologies, it seems to me, are a bridge type of action.  They're a brief moment in time somewhere between causing hurt and moving on.  Often an apology is instrumental in moving a relationship or a dialogue forward.  Sometimes, most often in the case of a misunderstanding, an apology is an acceptable action to acknowledge an insult/injury/slight and make it right or better by that acknowledgement.  Apologies are simple, usually, and are appropriate in the case of simpler problems that are not part of a larger pattern of intentional hurt.

Amends, I think, are more than an acknowledgement of wrong doing; when I make amends it means that I take it a step further than recognition.  Making amends is about taking responsibility for a harm that I caused, being honest about that harm's impact, making myself accountable for both the action and the harm and laying out a clear and well-thought-out plan for not only the promise that I will not cause that harm again in the future but also a how-to of the steps and changes I intend  to enact in order to ensure it.  Most importantly, amends are about follow-up; in order to truly make amends, I have to do what I say I am going to/not going to do.  Forever.

True amends require complete honesty, deep personal responsibility and sincerity.
Apologies require acknowledgement and words.

My group of malignant narcissists, enablers and crazymakers that I call the NFOO doesn't contain a single member capable of the honesty, responsibility or sincerity that amends require.

But they are good at the type of sort of apologies that Narcs like to use to get their way:
I'm sorry if I hurt you ~ when I know damn well that I did.
I'm sorry you see it that way ~ so I'll invalidate your basic memory or logic of the truth
I'm sorry that you felt XXX ~ even though that's what I wanted you to feel
I don't remember that, but I'm sorry if it wasn't right for you ~ when I certainly remember it well and I got what I wanted out of it

I think that all of these quasi-apologies are just a means to an end for a Narc.  What they all really boil down to is: hey, this stalemate where you're expecting me to acknowledge and make right the truth of my actions in order for me to gain access to you as my Narc Supply isn't working for me, so I'll say the right type of words I think you need to hear without actually changing any of my actions so that I can get what I want from you again.  Okay?

It's just another trick, another manipulation that the Narc uses to place them in a position of power.  So, the Narc hurts me, usually intentionally.  And then the Narc asks me to carry that hurt around with me.  When I refuse, the Narc makes it my fault.  If enough time passes and the Narc isn't getting what the Narc wants, the Narc will try to half-ass their way back in with empty words and hollow apologies.  So that the Narc can hurt me again.

Um, yeah.  No thanks.  Apology not accepted.  Not at all.  And what does the Narc do with this rebuff?  What a Narc does best, of course!  They use it as a way to show everyone that whatever this silly little problem Vanci had was, I tried to apologize and she wouldn't accept it.  I just don't know what's wrong with her?  Boo hoo, poor little Narc!  So it seems that the Narc will sink to any murky depth to get their Narc Supply.
At least it's not being sucked out of me anymore.  And for that, I am truly and unequivocally NOT sorry.  Not one bit.

Love,
Vanci