Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The Big Picture

I'm a detail person, and I tend to see things from a slightly varied angle than the majority does.  This is often a benefit to me in my life; I'm naturally curious about how things work, what makes the world go 'round, the how of the matter at hand.  I can often think my way into the very core of a matter easily simply because I happen to see the back doors, the missed or misplaced variables, the hidden patterns.  I've always been like this, and I think this tendency was developed at least in part by the intuitiveness that I developed in response to abuse as the scapegoat of the NFOO.  It was a survival tactic, this seeing-around-corners vision that I can have.

That's the upside.  The downside is that I can become almost obsessively mired in details.  I can spend so much time living in what's right in front of me at any given moment that I fail to notice the world at large around me.  I often have people that I know tell me that they've seen me at the grocery store or driving around and that they were puzzled that I didn't respond to their - often animated - attempts to get my attention.  I honestly don't see them, truly, especially if I'm on a mission; kids to school, grocery list to complete, rental movies to return, make it to the post office before closing.

I've been digging into my past in an effort to understand myself better lately - ha ha, like the last five years! - and I've been examining my habits and character.  I've come to a quasi-conclusion that I often fail to see The Big Picture, and I think that this is part nature and part (lack of) nurture.

I can say for sure that I have a selective vision, and that this was first developed in early childhood as a defensive measure.  I think that I had to forget and not see what was truly happening around me.  When a child is raised in the 'fucked up tsunami tidal wave of craziness' (thank you Lisa for that apt and colorful phrase!) that I was, it's impossible to discern real from false, up from down, love from pain.  So, I think, there's a mental and emotional switch somewhere in me that I developed early on.  With the flick of that switch, I can become extremely focused on and engrossed by the one thing in front of me.  It's one of the reasons that I'm good at jigsaw puzzles and stacking games and spelling and finding themes and analyzing data and finding effiencies.

In flipping that switch, though, I lose sight of everything outside of my focused area.  I become narrow and hindered by a lack of peripheral vision, so to speak.  This can, I want to stress, be a good attribute to have.  But it can also be a sort of partial blindness, particularly when I stay focused for too long on such a small spectrum.

I've been thinking about this in the context of how I filled my allotted role within the NFOO for all those years.  I was the fixer, and I fixed every single thing that was handed to me, whether I agreed with the problem or the outcome and despite the back-flips and somersaults I had to do around my own opinions or moral leanings.   "Linin' em up and knockin' em down," is the phrase DH uses to describe me when I get into my task-oriented mode, and my perceived value in the NFOO was directly related to my willingness to continue fixing problems, no matter how many NM, ENF, NSis and GCYB created.

But spending all that time fixing everything for them created a long-term narrow focus for me.  No matter how much I tried to be a superhero with a cape, there really is only a limited amount of time in a day, and all my energy was allotted to the NFOO's crap.  I missed a lot of the world outside of the Crazymaker Clan Compound.  I didn't see The Big Picture - I was too busy managing the details.

In the phase that I think of as Early NC, I continued to be hung up on details; the minor slips or problems that painfully extracting myself from a dysfunctional family system caused caught all my attention.  I spent days running around trying to fix minor issues - when was a good time to return the call from NM that I'd let go to voicemail?  should I return it?  should I have someone with me if I returned the call?  should it be on speaker phone?  should I let someone else listen to the voicemail to see if I was reading too much into it?  if so, who? and on, and on, and on.  And in doing so I failed to see The Big Picture - that she was violating a clear and firm boundary that had been clearly drawn by calling me in the first place, and that therefore meant that she was being just as disrespectful of me as she'd always been, no matter what the actual message was.

I was fortunate in that I had fantastic support that I was willing to use, so I'd take all those inane questions of minutiae to my counselor or to DH or to a friend and begin to spin on them and one of those good people would say, "Hey, Vanci.  Why would you call her back?  You asked her not to call and to set up a counseling appointment if you wanted to see her, and that is not this."  The helped me to understand that it was a strategy and a tactic on her part to prove that my boundaries didn't matter and that she was firmly in control of when and how she'd contact me regardless of my desires.  So I was able to avoid a lot of the Early NC traps because I had other people in my life that would point to the Wile E. Coyote sign on the side of the road that said in six foot tall letters: TRAP - THIS WAY.

Sometimes, even now, I can get too focused on the details.  Some part of my brain that has yet to be retrained pops through every once in a while and makes a pathetic effort to hook me back into the details; "maybe it wasn't that bad?"  or "wouldn't it be nice to have parents?" or "maybe they've changed?"  And that's when I have to remember to look at The Big Picture.

The Big Picture is this: they've had 34 years to love me and treat me well, or at least like another member of the human race.  Since I went LC followed by NC, they've had five years to suck it up, take accountability, apologize, change their continued abuse of me and stop causing pain - to me and to themselves.  They've had their entire lifetimes to choose to be willing to get well and to do what it takes to work on that path.

They haven't done any of these things.  Using past performance as an indicator of future behavior, I can surmise quite easily that they never will do the 'right' thing, that they will continue to choose the 'easy' thing, which is to blame me.

So they, like the proverbial fool who defines his insanity by continuing to do what he's always done while expecting a different outcome than he's always gotten, will stay the same.  And I, as a truth teller and a seeker of growth will continue to work to better myself and to grow into as good a person as I can possibly be.  I understand more and more as I age and grow that I have control over one thing in this world and one thing only: Me.

So The Big Picture is this, too:  I'm getting better.  My landscape is vibrant and crowded with good people and good things and good feelings and good thoughts.  I don't know what their Big Picture looks like, but they sure as hell have no place in mine.

Love,
Vanci

21 comments:

  1. Thank you. I read this and thought wow Vanci really knows me. By speaking your truth, I feel my truth validated. Today I needed to hear this. Have a great day.

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    1. Ruth,
      I'm so glad that my experience can help!
      Love,
      Vanci

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  2. I needed this, too! I ranted at The Project about the frustration of dealing with the Ns. It's the same insanity, and I'm falling into the trap of trying to make sense of it. I've told them what I want and need, and they want to do it all their way, and I'm insensitive if I don't compromise. Step back, and remembering they are still violating boundaries. Thanks, Vanci.

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    1. Judy, I call it trying to make sense of insanity and that ain't NEVER GONNA HAPPEN!

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    2. Judy,
      You're so welcome. It's hard to remember to focus on the truth of the matter when they're creating chaos. I hope you can find the line and stick to it; I'm cheering you on!
      Love,
      Vanci

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  3. I used to call myself "goal oriented". I'd put on blinkers and focus on one thing, earning the approval of my NPs, while relationships that really counted began to crumble around me.

    Since statements like "you're too sensitive" and "you went off the deep end as usual" were slipped in with lies, gaslighting, manipulation and guilt trips, I still catch myself thinking "maybe it wasn't that bad". The key is: I CATCH myself!

    Great post, Vanci!

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    1. mulderfan,
      I'm so glad you catch yourself, and glad I do too. Progress, not perfection.
      Love,
      Vanci

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  4. Yes I can relate as well. I do think that part of not seeing the big picture was a taught technique that I learned well. If you don't see the big picture, each instance of abuse is separate, distinct and isolated. And they can be denied by both yourself and the FOO. It is only when you view the pattern- the systematic abuse- that you can truly see the big picture. I also believe that is one reason the FOO can not or will not (another huge issue for me, were they unable or unwilling) be accountable for behavior when confronted.. Isolate and control.
    As to the fixer issue, I almost need to physically restrain myself from rushing in. I'm reminded of an old cartoon jingle. "Here he comes to save the day, Underdog is on his way!".

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    1. triedandtrue,
      It's really a shell game, isn't it? The only way to win, I've found, is to refuse to play.
      Love,
      Vanci

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    2. Vanci,
      Love the shell game analogy and to be forthright and honest, must admit I will be stealing it.
      Tried and true

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  5. Vanci, you are a treasure. Each post of yours is so clearly written and so clear-headed that I always have so much to think about. TriedandTrue, I agree with you 100% on both your points. Along with Mulderfan. Minute focus is also appreciate in companies that are abusive (please note; I'm not saying at all that all companies are abusive).

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    1. Anon,
      Thank you for your kind words. I agree that abusive and dysfunctional work environments also appreciate 'minute focus,' but I've also found for me that my ability to focus on details can be appreciated in a non-abusive work scenario, too. The key seems to be that it's a character trait that's only a small part of my job and value, and that there's always balance.

      Love,
      Vanci

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  6. NFOO and crap.
    You can say that again.
    You might also say CRAPOLA.
    With OLAH.
    And you might also say JECTOD with JEB BUSH - TORONTO- he OD'S.
    And then you might say HERADVAT!
    Cause if you say HERADVAT it all falls into place with VIRGINIA- ANN- CULTR and VARIC - RICK the PRICK.
    And if you put it all together you get that ROCUNROL - ROKST with DANADELAMAR!
    Oh yeah..you get the BEAT- BABY!
    You get the fucking DRUM MEAT!
    You get the RELLY FUCKING STING !
    The BUMMYCHE!
    YOU GET THAT FUCKING BUMMYCHE with REARUSN and REARET!
    And then you get the SAPOP- KIKIPOP- POP GOES THE WEASEL with CHOMME!
    FUCK YA!
    FUCK YA!
    NOT MY ROCK?
    NOT MY ROCK?
    NOT MY ROCK?
    HERSEDOT SAYS IT IS - WITH GORKED- LACHILL- BOWHILL!
    And they say they're with TEDSEA- ODISPA- DISATEDA- TATEDECO- BIBITTY- BOBBITTY- BOO!
    FUCK YA!
    FUCK YA!
    FUCK YA!
    THAT'S THE BIG PICTURE!

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    1. Michelle,
      I'm not sure I have any idea what your comment means, but thanks for the input.

      Love,
      Vanci

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    2. I think your blog post inspired her to drop a rap freestyle.

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  7. Dear Vanci,
    Thinking you're in the midst of the dental work. Hope all is going as planned and you'll be taking bigger bites out of life.
    Tried and true.

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  8. Thank you for this post! Glad I'm not the only one with thoughts like these. I sent my mother an email in Dec. saying that I'd like to communicate via email for a while because phone conversations have not been constructive, and that I think everyone of us should be accountable for what we say to each other (in my mind, verbal abuse from her and my 2 siblings; gaslighting and denial of horrible things said to me, etc.). She has completely ignored the letter's content, but sent a cordial email on Christmas and another for my birthday. That's it.

    Anyone else deal with the heartbreaking feeling of abandonment when you are finally able to set some emotional boundaries? How silly of me to think that my NM would actually have a heart and try to work through our relationship. Nah, easier to just ignore the elephant and keep up your Emily Post facade. Do I wait until eternity for a response? If I give in first and acknowledge that she ignored my email, am I feeding her N supply???

    Please help, experienced folks! Your blogs are keeping my head above water. Thank you for your courage and honesty!
    K.

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  9. tried and true and K,
    I just reposted your comment with a plea for answers. Had an encounter with a razor blade that lost it's cover in my luggage and munched up one of my fingers, so having trouble typing. Sigh.
    Love,
    Vanci

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  10. Dear KFL5,
    4 times I tried to post a thoughtful response, and 4 times my post just deleted. It's either a sign from the universe, or I'm technologically illiterate. So, this time I'm just going direct. It seems to me that you're relating what it feels to be in a power struggle with NM. Is there a way around that where you can maintain you dignity and foster a relationship? I don't know. I haven't had that experience. Relinguishing my power to my NFOO would be giving up my soul. And by power, I mean the emotional health, well-being and safety of myself, my child and spouse.
    I would also say that when trying to interpret the NM, look to behavior. What is their behavior telling you that they are not capable of saying in words? It sometimes is clearer than we like to admit.
    My actual response to your questions is this: be good to yourself, you're clearly introspective, caring and kind.

    Wish there was spell check on this post and in life,
    Tried and true

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  11. Thank you for your replies,Vanci and T&T. I especially appreciate your persistence in the face of razor and computer adversity.

    Maintaining dignity and fostering relationships with NMs don't seem to go well together. My kindness, which you mentioned (thank you for that!), gets steamrolled when I reach out to my family. I think they view it as weakness, yet if I am firm and assertive, they accuse me of being selfish and defensive. Catch-22, and it keeps them from looking at their own failings.

    I know I'm a good soul. Most people tell me I'm the nicest person they know--and I don't change my standards with my family. That's what makes their treatment so hurtful and confusing. I think that's where we get hung up with N people. You can't use a rational mind to untangle their webs because a rational mind didn't weave them!

    Sadly, I agree that this is a power struggle with my mother. She's treating my letter as though I'm a 5yo who needs to have her senseless tantrum before I come crawling back to the family. What's more, my two siblings have thrown me under the bus and seem to be reveling in being the "good, loyal children."

    When you say, "look to their behavior" instead of their words, do you mean (in this case) look at the fact that she hasn't responded and what that means? My FOO lives in another state, so at least I have some geographical breathing room. It's a problem when I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, though. It's no way to live peacefully.

    Ah, I feel like such a rookie at this--only realized I was dealing with a NFOO 2 years ago. I was frustrated often before that, but I couldn't put my finger on the problem.

    Thank you so much for the support. Means more than you all could know--but I think you do :)
    K.

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    1. Definitely agree that N folk view kindness as a weakness. The following is in the side bar of my blog:
      "This is my daily affirmation: You cannot reason with these people or appeal to them either emotionally or intellectually. Passivity makes you a target, aggression delights them, and assertiveness is met with contempt. Time to face the fact that, regardless of your best efforts, these people will not change…EVER!"

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