Chameleon in the Park

Two seemingly unrelated ideas came together in my head today and made one of those magic connections: Aha!

I was honored a couple of days ago to receive a sort of award at work. My company has a peer to peer recognition program that allows a coworker to nominate another for 'going above and beyond,' and one of my colleagues wrote up a nice nomination for me. Although I find most of the corporate speak (particularly from management) around this type of program to be at worst gag-inducing and at best pandering, (Hey! If we're that great just give us a raise already!) I like that it provides otherwise seriously self-focused and busy people a formal way to say, "Hey, thanks for all you do."

One of the comments that my coworker made about me in his description of how I 'provide excellence' was something to the effect of, "I don't know how Vanci takes care of so much for so many people while making it look so easy, but she makes my job so much easier and I appreciate it greatly." I never turn away from thanks and kindness, especially after a lifetime spent fulfilling expectations from the NFOO with no credit and no thanks, so I graciously and gratefully accepted the warm fuzzy and gave it a place of honor on my little wall of accomplishments.

It occurred to me, though, that I do know how I do 'so much for so many.' I was trained well to do everything for everyone and to expect nothing in return. I was good at it, too.




From my earliest memories on, I can see how I was honing my already finely attuned intuition about and anticipation of the needs and moods of others. I remember being about four years old and waiting on pins and needles for ENF to come home from work with a peculiar mixture of dread and concern. Within the first few minutes after he walked in the door, I was able to tell what kind of evening it would be: hiding from his rage or being roped into the isn't-it-wonderful-that-we're-all-so-happy-and-nice-nice-nicey-family. I think that I often knew what kind of atmosphere his mood was going to set before he even knew what kind of mood he was in.

The same goes for NM's moods, though instead of rage she swung between a vapid and useless depression to complete and utter distance. The only constant was the fake 'company' show we always, no matter what was really going on, had to put on for guests in our home or in public. It was a false face, but we all played our parts, usually only learning later - during the rage or isolation portion of punishment once we were safely ensconced behind closed doors - what NM or ENF's true mood of the hour really was behind the Happy Family Mask.

I developed early on the capacity and capability to become whatever it was that the clan needed in order to diffuse a bad situation or keep us rolling in a good one. Chameleons change their colors to blend in to the background and avoid being picked off by their predators. I rarely changed my exterior to blend in and not be seen (though I certainly tried sometimes,) but I typically changed myself into whatever was necessary within the NFOO on any given day to keep danger at bay. Like the little Dutch boy with his fingers in the holes in the dike, I ran around trying to be whatever it would take to keep it all together, to keep us (me and the sibs, mostly) safe, to prevent scary things from happening, to try to lessen the chance of them hurting us. At various times I played the court jester, peacemaker, caretaker, stability creator, child minder or whatever else was needed to keep darkness at bay.

Eventually I found myself fulfilling these roles for NSis and GCYB too, as well as their ancillaries; spouses, friends, girlfriends, kids. I was most comfortable in the role of caretaker, so I cooked and cleaned and shuttled people around, often without being explicitly asked (although the expectations of my service were very clear,) and certainly with very few thanks. I was good at this, so good in fact that I think the loss of all my damn work was one of the primary reasons that the NFOO reacted with such violence when I removed myself from them. Who doesn't want free labor? Especially when I made it look so easy; it must have come as a great shock to them how much work I did once I was gone and they had to do it themselves.

It was, plain and simple, servitude. And that brings me to the park, not an outdoor park or a water park or a skate park, but a fantastic movie, Gosford Park. I love this movie with its upstairs/downstairs changing viewpoints. The aristocrats are the reason that there is an English country house, but the servants are the heart and soul of the house. They keep everything running, regardless of their own needs or desires and no matter how badly they're treated. Because they're servants. Not people in their own right; servants.

Toward the end of the movie, Mrs. Wilson (played superbly by Helen Mirren) as the head of all maids and female house staff, says this:

"What gift do you think a good servant has that separates them from the others? Its the gift of anticipation. And I'm a good servant; I'm better than good, I'm the best; I'm the perfect servant. I know when they'll be hungry, and the food is ready. I know when they'll be tired, and the bed is turned down. I know it before they know it themselves."

I identify with this on a visceral level. I know that feeling so well; I truly did know what was needed before anyone in the NFOO did most of the time. I was so good at the anticipation of needs of others that I - for a time - completely lost the ability to understand my own needs.

When I extracted myself, I remember feeling very, very lost for a while. Sometimes, even now, I'll find myself in a place and time that requires me only to look after myself, and I think, "Huh. Weird. What should I do?"

I'm happy to be of service in my job and happy that I have the skill and intuition to see the needs and fill the needs of the work and others. I'm good at it and *ding! ding! this is KEY* I receive credit for it and it's appreciated. I also do this in my FOC, out of love and kindness and the desire to treat the people that I love well. They thank me for my work and they *ding! ding!* reciprocate with kindness and anticipation of my needs and desires, too.
Huh. Weird. :)

I'm happy to be of service, like I said, but even happier that I'm no longer a servant. I think there's a difference, and it comes down to choice (mine) and reaction (theirs.) All of my attempts to be of service to the NFOO would never have been enough for them to recognize me as anything but their servant. Not their child or a loving daughter or a sister or a friend or a fan-freeking-tastic cook or anything else; just a servant.

My efforts to be of service to the people in my life now are rewarded with recognition, reciprocation and mutual affection. And the best part? All of this joy comes not from me trying to be anything that I'm not, but just from me being me and doing what I do.

That's just cool.

Love,

Vanci

1 + 1 = All or Nothing

I've been spending some time pondering the core of my dysfunctional FOO.  It's not an unfamiliar path; much of my pondering in the last four years have leaned in this direction, for sure.

But I've been thinking about the framework, rather than the finished product.  I often refer to the beginning of the Vanci Rebellion of '07 as my 'waking up.'  It's an apt metaphor and that's almost exactly what it felt like; opening my eyes, beginning to see, illuminating minor details, checking back in to reality and so forth.  Like I feel immediately after I've been snatched from slumber, I felt confounded, befuddled, foggy.  It took awhile for my eyes to adjust to what I was seeing and my heart to accept what I was feeling and there was an awful lot to take in.  I was fortunate to have patient and loving support and to have the ability to seek help in understanding the strange new landscape that slowly came into focus.  I doubted everything in this new world, but I kept moving forward, hoping for clarity.

I was lucky enough to have patience with myself and to have others around me patiently rooting for me.  Eventually the mist cleared and I could see the reality (and the wreckage) that surrounded me, and I discovered that - ugly as it was - it was the truth.  And that's when I knew.  Possibly for the first time in my life, I knew that what I was seeing was real, concrete, tangible, honest.  I resolved to stay in truth.  After all, I decided, once a thing is known, to attempt to un-know it is both futile and dishonest.  So I kept moving forward, hoping for understanding.

The harder I worked to understand myself, the more effort I put into comprehending and changing MY behavior - whether that was declaring no contact or attempting to change my explanatory style or simply just parenting my DD's in a healthier manner than I was 'parented' - the more crystal-clear my insight into the tactics of the NFOO.  The stronger I grew, the more transparent they became.  As I've anticipated, observed, deflected and ultimately disarmed each attempt by various members of the NFOO to whip me back into the shape and role they believe I should occupy, their campaign against me has moved from terrifying to laughable.  I grew, even as they stayed pathetically stagnant.

So now I find myself in the luxurious position of NOT having to deal with their attacks on a daily basis, of not having the boogeyman waiting  for me around every corner.  As contact decreased, so did my symptoms of trauma.  So, instead of having to wait for the next phone call, email, drive-by or knock on the door, I can take a look at the actual mechanics of the dysfunctional system.

I'm not so interested anymore in understanding the 'why' of what they do.  I've reconciled their actions in my mind in the same way that I reconcile my drinking.  At the beginning of my sobriety, I asked why a lot: Why am I an alcoholic?  Why can't I drink like a normal person?  Why do I have to deal with this?  Why did I drink like that?  The simple answer that I was able to grasp and understand was:  I drank alcoholically because that's what alcoholics do.  It's oversimplified, I know, but it allowed me to let go of the pervasive WHY.  The Narcs act like evil assholes because they are evil assholes and that's what evil assholes do.  I accepted that, and the WHY became a non-question.  Really, the why doesn't matter to me anymore: I know that I didn't cause it and I can't control it.  That's enough for me.

I am, however, intensely interested in understanding the HOW of the dysfunction, and I've been thinking about the way they system was established in the NFOO.  One of the primary methods of control lies in the communication chain of command, I think, and I'm finally to the meat of this post and the reason for its title.  I can't draw a picture in this simplistic blog format I've established and I'm not anywhere near technologically proficient enough to import or embed a picture, so we're going to have to take a trip to Imagination Land.  I'll do my best to lead the way.

Think of a five-pointed star. Remove the lines and leave the points.  Start at the top point, the pinnacle of the star.  You can now draw a line from that pinnacle point to any other point of the star.  Imagine that each of those points represents a person in a family.  You are the pinnacle point.  You can draw a line - and therefore have a relationship - with each of the other points, aka members of the family, can't you?  You don't have to go through the point farthest to the right to get to the point farthest to the left.  You have equal and equitable access to either or - gasp! - both of them at any given time.  This is the way that healthy communication works.  Every person in the family is allowed to have a direct line to every other person in the family.

There are four points in my FOC's star: me, DH, Oldest DD and Youngest DD.  I am allowed to have a relationship with DH that doesn't involve either DD.  Oldest DD is allowed to have a relationship with Youngest DD or DH that doesn't involve me.  We're not entirely independent of each other, of course, because we love each other and share a lot, but those individual relationships are key and paramount to the greater group relationship as a whole.  It's healthy, I think.  Oldest DD and I talk about school work a lot, but she prefers to talk to Youngest DD about clothes, and she prefers to talk to DH about serious stuff; friends experimenting with drugs and the like.  And that, I think, is awesome.  It's healthy to seek different strengths from different people in our lives.

So, back to the star.  Imagine those five points again, but this time let's add a narcissist to the mix.  And where, do you think, does a narcissist have to be?  In the drawing, as in life, the Narc's going to place themselves where they believe they should be; smack dab in the middle of things.  Now, from your pinnacle point, you  no longer have access to most of the other points of the star without going through the Narc.  Your ability to have a direct line to those other points has been compromised and an individual relationship is turned into a threesome.  The longer it goes on, the bigger the Narc in the Middle becomes, eventually precluding all connection between the other points of the star.  That's dysfunctional communication; ladies and gentleman you are no longer points on a star, you're just a reference in the Narc's overwhelming circle of influence.  The Narc has taken over and infiltrated all the members of the family, all the points on the star, and it's no longer possible to have a healthy individual relationship with any one else in the family because the Narc cannot abide autonomy happening right under their long nosey.

I remember this distinctly.  If I tried to talk to GCYB about the 'situation,' I was stabbed in the back by his running immediately to NM or ENF to report our conversation.  As recently as last April, when I called ENF in order to find out the logistics of DH and I visiting NM in the ICU as she lay dying (but not quite,) he allowed the phone to be taken away from him and NOSis got on the line to rant about how she thought I should behave. When I had my last meeting with NM at my counselor's office, she brought ENF with her into the room, even though both I and the counselor had made it clear that it was to be a 1 to 1 meeting.

And that, I think, is one of the core pieces of HOW the Narcs establish such foolproof systems of control.  They crave omniscience and demand overbearing loyalty at least partially through the limitations they place on individual communication between other family members.

To a Narc, one person in the family having a relationship with another person in the family independent of the Narc's presence (and therefore control) is intolerable.  I think this is part of the reason that they must destroy all familial relationships that don't involve them, such as the bond between siblings.

Either the Narc owns your relationships with others, or they will destroy that relationship before your very eyes.
So,  when it comes to my siblings (and every other person who was associated with me through my NFOO) I wasn't allowed to have relationships with them until I decided to go crawling back to NM.  I didn't and I won't, so they are not allowed to be in my lives at all thanks to NM's overbearing influence.

I can't say I'm pleased to have Nothing, but if the only other choice is All, well, I'm okay with Nothing.  I'm grateful that I don't have to repeat this dysfunctional pattern in my FOC.

And that's not nothing.


Love,
Vanci