Thursday, October 27, 2011

Inferred Pain... and Hair

Ugh.  This is a crappy story and I don't like it.
But it's true and therefore real and as such I feel obligated to post it.

About four and a half years ago, a good friend referred me to a hair dresser.  I am about as low maintenance as a girl gets, and I hate having to mess with hair.  I haven't worn make-up in about fifteen years because I'm just not willing to bother with it.  But, my hair (ironically since I could care less about it) grows super fast.  Cuts, unfortunately, are necessary.  So, I went to see the hairdresser, whom I will call Mimi, and I loved her.  She had great individual style, listened to me well enough to understand that any hair creation that she gave me would have to take a maximum of five minutes for me to fix each morning or I wouldn't do it and gave me a style that worked.  For the first time ever, I had a hair that I would actually style consistently rather than trying it for a couple days then falling back into my ponytail habit.

Because I was still deeply entrenched in the NFOO, I referred NM and NOSis to her.

Six months later, I was dug into the trenches on the front lines of the battle for my sanity with the NFOO and found it necessary to declare no contact (at least outside of a counselor's office.)  And in the meantime, NOSis and NM had stolen my damn hairdresser.  Mimi was a sort of single mom (had a boyfriend but not yet married/living together) and apparently needed help with her daughter, who I believe was about 9 or 10 at the time.  NOSis started watching Mimi's daughter.  Mimi got sucked in.  I took the high road and decided that I didn't want to put Mimi in a bad position, so I stopped making appointments with her.  It's been four years since I've had a decent hair cut.

Fast forward to the present.  I am still friends with the friend who originally referred me to Mimi.  I heard from this friend about six weeks ago that my NFOO had done almost exactly the same thing to Mimi and her daughter that they did to me and mine.  Mimi was aware enough of healthy boundaries to call them out on their violations with both Mimi and her sweet daughter - who was obviously being groomed to be a new scapegoat.  They reacted to Mimi's boundaries by violating them.  Mimi stood her ground.  Violence ensued.

Today I heard from my friend that now, six weeks later, the NFOO - and particularly NOSis - are still attacking.  They're calling and emailing and showing up at Mimi's work to attack her and demand access to her daughter.  Anybody who hasn't lived through this would be flabbergasted by the behavior, as my friend was.  To me, unfortunately, it's a re-run.  I remember the pain of those vicious attacks vividly.  I remember my bewilderment at the actions of people who supposedly cared for me.

I called Mimi and left her a message; I don't know what comfort she's willing to accept, but I can at the very least tell her that she's not alone and that this is about them, not her.  I hope she calls me back.  I hope that she can hear that truth and take it to heart.

And if it goes well, maybe I'll finally have manageable hair again in the near future.

In the meantime, I'm just heartbroken for her and her daughter.  I'm sending happy thoughts their way tonight. If you know what the pain of these kinds of attacks feels like, please send your happy thoughts out for Mimi, too.

Love,
Vanci

11 comments:

  1. Weird! My NFOO only goes after "family" and never lets an outsider in on their dirty little secret.

    I can see how this replay must be really upsetting for you but I'm glad that Mimi is standing her ground. (Bet she's pissing the hell out of you FOO!)

    Bonus: You might get a decent haircut again!

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  2. mulderfan -
    My NFOO likes to pick up 'strays' and make them 'part of the family.' To my knowledge, Mimi's the first adoptee to step outside the lines. Man, I feel for her!
    Love,
    Vanci

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    1. So I'm months late, but I just have to comment. My NM picks up strays, too!!! I seem attract other people from dysfunctional families as friends and she's adopted some of them over the years. Partly my fault for referring them to her for advice during my engulfed years... Anyway, unlike your NM, she treats them and their emotions more respectfully than she's ever treated me and mine! Always got to put on the good face for outsiders, I guess. I think she loves how they come to her for advice and emotional support, and while she often and ironically has good advice to give them, it's really sad that when they are angry/upset/depression/whatever, that's okay, but when I feel like that, I'm being "over sensitive". At least none of them are close enough with her to be engulfed like us was. Ugh...

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  3. I have seen this in action. One of my NM's targets came to me and asked me how to get her to stop. I felt sad but told her if she found a way let me know. The lady moved away and went no contact with her. She keeps in touch with me. Hopefully your hairdresser will be ok with getting in touch with you. Sending happy thoughts for lovely haircuts and reconnecting.

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  4. It's almost as hard to watch as it is to live through. Thank you Ruth!
    Love,
    Vanci

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  5. wow, what. if this thing let me do italics, i sorely need italics right now. i'd be saying what repetitively. your family is creepy! and nuts! what is going on? that is just absurd, showing up to her workplace and demanding access to her daughter? wow, that is just..WHAT. that's pretty creepy. I think your friend the hairdresser will do alright, she sounds like she's got a good head on her shoulders. and now someone else knows they're crazy (probably cause she DIDN'T stand for it)! it's kind of nice to see them exposed for what they are, running around so blatantly insane. and yeah, i think she could definitely use the support and honesty now :).

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  6. Lisa,
    I couldn't agree more that they're creepy! and nuts! (also that we need italics.)
    As much as it's sort of validating to hear that they treat other people like they treated me, occasionally, I also find it infuriating.
    I wish there was a way to stop them, or at least to warn people before they get caught up in the web. But, hey... wait... maybe that's what I'm doing here? :)

    Love,
    Vanci

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  7. Your FOO "adopted" Mimi and her daughter because they no longer have a scapegoat to take it all out on. My mother does this when I'm not around for longer periods: she finds a new protegee and after a while WHAM! she's at that unsuspecting person's throat. It's scary, but a mentally healthy person can react properly to such an attack, so the FOO will have no success. They can only affect us, who have been raised in the toxic environment.

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  8. Alexandra,
    I'd a suspicion that my NFOO wasn't the only one who played this kind of 'replacement' game. It's amazing to me that they can't/don't/won't and likely will never figure out that they are the common denominator in all those failed relationships. I think that they can, and do, affect others, though. It just seems to take less time for those others who weren't raised in the vortex of Narc Land to wake up to it.

    Thanks for your comment!
    Love,
    Vanci

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  9. I hope they hadn't somehow been enabling your father to have access to her daughter. --quartz

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  10. quartz-
    Me, too. Me, too.
    Sigh.
    Love,
    Vanci

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