On Sisters

When I was a little girl, I was sometimes made to be part of a 'show.'  Mostly the NParents coordinated this as part of a church function, where we would all play a part in the Easter Sunrise Service or the Christmas Eve Celebration, and typically the performance centered around music.

NM played the piano,  ENF had a booming bass voice, I led melodies in my soprano, NOSis was the harmonic alto and GCYB sang high tenor (and later in life low tenor.)  We all had musical ears and I'm sure we presented as a regular Von Trapp family at times.  ENF tended to pastor small, rural churches, so we were often THE entertainment.  I have some memories of this being fun, even.

NOSis and I both loved to sing and our voices blended well together.  Due in part to the structured isolation that the NParents kept us in, we often choreographed our own 'numbers' in the living room together, and I remember more than one occasion where we were asked to share our routines.  The one that's coming to mind right now was a little dance we did as we sang the number 'Sisters' from an old black and white movie with Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye, White Christmas.


"Sisters, sisters, there were never such devoted sisters.
Never had to have a chaperone, no sir
I'm here to keep my eye on her.
Caring, Sharing,
Every little thing that we are wearing...
... All kinds of weather, we stick together
Same in the rain or sun
Two different faces but in tight places,
We think and we act as one!"

It goes on in that vein for some time and I've probably flubbed some of the lines, but that's how I remember it.   I also remember that there was safety in my relationship with my sister.  She's four years older than me, and was far more of a strong female role model at times than my mother was, for sure.  She was one of my best friends, especially as we moved so often that she was typically my only female play mate and the only other girl I knew.  We picked at each other and fought a lot - something that I'm convinced happens in the majority of sisterly relationships, no matter how healthy - but we loved each other.  We did our best to protect each other.  That's how I saw it then, and I believe there's still some truth to that even now as I view it with clear eyes in retrospect.

I don't spend a lot of time trying to figure out what the recipe for a Narcissist is.  Like all personality disorders, mental illnesses and diseases and addictions, there seems to be an ongoing nature vs. nurture argument to varying degrees about root causes.  I tend to believe that there have to be genetic predispositions to certain leanings combined with two other key factors: trauma of some sort and a choice not to fight the leaning toward narcissism (or sadism, or myriad other -isms.)  Either way, like I said, I don't spend a lot of time on it because I'm such a Practical Polly.  It is what it is and I can't change it.  So I spend my energy on me and I move forward.

But, when I think about my sister and the memories I have, it's hard not to wonder how she and I turned out so differently.  That caring, protective sister that I remember from the days of choreographed step-ball-changes is dead or buried so deep that she's never coming out.
Because my sister today, man, she's a raving bitch on toast.

It seems to me that our relationship changed significantly when I was thirteen and revealed in counseling that ENF had sexually abused me.  I didn't know that he'd abused her too, I really didn't.  But my revelations prompted him to admit to abusing both of us.  The metaphorical shit hit the fan in more ways than one over this, but one of the most painful things to me - then and now - was the way in which it changed my relationship with my sister.  I distinctly remember feeling two things when I realized that my sister had been abused too: horror at the thought that she'd felt as awful and violated as I did and relief at the thought that I wasn't alone in this.
But I was, because, although ONSis admitted to the abuse, she became scarily, irrationally angry with ME for revealing it.  I was, she said, trying to ruin her life and everyone else's life because... I was mad that I had to do the dishes.  She physically assaulted me a couple of times, but mostly she just ignored my very existence after that.  I'd once embroidered her a little throw pillow with the message on the front: Time passes and we may part, but sisters will always stay close at heart.  After I brought the sexual abuse to light in our family, she seemed to hate me.  I was devastated by this sudden coldness and hatred from her, but I was only thirteen and was dealing with similar punishments and ostracizations from my parents and little brother, too.  I don't know that I fully understood how to process anything on my planet at that time; I was shell shocked.

There were a lot of intervening years with some pretty far swings in our relationship with each other, sometimes closer than others, but when I made my stand in September of 2007, ONSis really flexed her muscle as the Enforcer in the NFOO.  She was the first to attack and she attacked viciously.  I'd known for some time that she wasn't right - lots of rages and seriously low lows - but I had no idea up to that point that she was so far gone.

And now, she's the leader of the NFOO in a lot of ways, from what I can tell.  She didn't fall into the Lead Narc role, she sought it out, picked it up, put it on and fucking OWNS it.  I guess we all have our different ways of dealing with trauma.

So, I look around me now and I assess - my sister is effectively dead to me, or I to her, doesn't really matter which way that swings as the end result's the same.

But...
I have other sisters.  I have my dear, dear girlfriends who've loved me from near and far throughout the last four years.  I have my AA ladies, who look me in the eye and tell me the truth, even when it stings.  And I have you: the Grizzly Fighters, the Angry Daughters, the Upsi Dancers, Jonsi on the Outside Looking In, the mulderfans and the Ruths and Judys and Lisas the Pollywantanarcissist and the Rings Swinging Forward and the veganstein, Pronoia Agape, and all the Anons and anyone else I can't think of right now and bringing up the manly rear as an honorary sister is LSV.

What's a sister?  Just a girl who understands that sometimes you need to know that it's okay that you're in there underneath your skin even if it feels too tight sometimes.  A friend who knows that you need a hug or you need to hear that you're beautiful.  Just a lady who says, "Hey, Vanci, I believe in YOU."

I lost a sister along the way, and that hurts.
But just look at that incomplete list up there:  my loss of one is a gain of MANY.
I'm so grateful for all of you.

Love,
Vanci