Somehow I don't think it's going to survive the dissection. Too bad!
Vanci,
Intention: It starts right off the bat - every other email or letter I've ever received from this man has been addressed with a term of endearment, i.e. Dear Vanci or Cher Vanci.
Response: Well, fine then. If I am not Dear now because I have not met the expectations that you've set for me to fulfill in order to be loved by you, then I am sincerely grateful that I know where you stand and don't have to try to live up to those unreasonable expectations anymore.
When I talked with (your brother) last week and found out that you had not called or gone by to see (your mother), I was extremely upset. She was in such pain, and she needed you, and you let her down.
Intention: Pretty simple - Vanci, it's ALL YOUR FAULT. It's your job to be there for her, you didn't do what she wanted, you are therefore wrong and you are a disappointment.
Response: Huh. Given my lack of a medical degree OR a pouch full of magical knee-healing pixie dust, I'm a bit unclear on how it is that NM needed me. To what? Wish away her pain? Cause her flesh to mend? Prevent infection with the magical antibiotic properties of my saliva? I'm not responsible for NM's pain after surgery, nor am I responsible for Uncle Minions being 'extremely upset.' He asked me to go see her, I told him I would think about it. I did. It wasn't a good idea, so I didn't go. And therein lies the rub - Minions support the Narc Leader - what the Narc wants, the Narc gets and if she doesn't, it's the Minion's job to pushback. Sigh. What an exhausting life that must be.
No hurt you could possibly have suffered from any family member can justify the unhappiness you have brought to everyone's life.
Intention: Your pain, whatever it is, is irrelevant, and your selfishness in not giving NM what she wants is hurting 'everyone' (which implies, of course that I am NOT a part of 'everyone.') Again, it's YOUR FAULT.
Response: I love this line. It's so... classic. First: Diminish, Second: Doubt (No hurt you could possibly...) Third: Isolate (I'm not part of the 'family members' he's referring to here), Fourth: Blame (protecting myself from the FOO makes me responsible for everyone's unhappiness, shit, for everyone's life! I guess I'll be taking on peace in the Middle East next, since I'm so all powerful! Wow!)
You have deprived (your husband) of (your brother and brother in law's)friendship, you have deprived (your nephew) of (your daughters') company and them of his, you have alienated a sister that could have been a life-long support, and you have removed from your girls' young lives the guiding and love your parents can offer.
Intention: You are responsible for all loss - your husband's losses, your nephew and daughter's losses, your loss of a sister (who is obviously so much better than you that she could have supported you throughout your life) and you've taken your parents away from your daughters - your parents who have so much love and guidance to help you be a better parent.
Response: It's fascinating how, when Narc Clans decide that you're the bad guy, no one else's input matters. DH practically danced a frickin jig when I started finally drawing lines and holding them. They're my FOO, so, yeah, it was ultimately up to me, but Christ he'd been waiting for YEARS for me to remove myself from them. So, no, DH was responsible for the termination of those friendships, cause DH is a crazy smart guy who knows how to get the hell out of Crazy Town! My nephew was welcome in my life anytime and in my girls... until his mother, my 'sister that could have been a life-long support' started teaching him at two years old to walk up to me and say, and yes this is verbatim, "Why you gotta be such a bitch Aunt Vanci?" And in fact, he's still welcome in my life, sans his Mom. That was not my call.
Ah, my sister who could have been a life-long support... how? By calling me at 1 AM and leaving messages that said, "I fucking hate you!" or by telling my daughters that their mother was crazy and trying to hurt NM? Support? No. Tyrant? Yes and no thank you.
That last line is my favorite part. NM's a narcissistic, lying, hypochondriac drug addict who cares only about herself. EF is an abusive, angry pedophile. Love? Guidance? To what? The loony bin?
And you have done so much damage to yourself in creating all this misery that I doubt you will ever be able to atone for it.
Intention: And even after all you've done, you really only hurt yourself. See how much we care about you? Blame, blame, blame, blah, blah, blah, blah, you should ask for forgiveness, but you won't get it, cause it's still going to be ALL YOUR FAULT!
Response: I am not damaged, now. I was, but I got away, and I'm healing up from all the damage you've caused. I've created joy and sanity, even though I was handed misery. I have nothing to atone for.
But most of all, you have behaved toward your mother without conscience, and I will never forgive you for that. She remains the best person I have ever known, and you have quite literally shortened her life.
Intention: You are responsible for your NM, you are wrong not to ask "how high?" when we tell you to jump and if anything 'bad' happens to NM, you will be the cause.
Response: Who knew that I am secretly God? Now that I have all this power over people's life-spans, boy are there going to be some major changes around this planet! It's so ludicrous, it's like something out of a bad, bad, bad soap opera. I have a slightly different definition of my actions toward my mother - I didn't 'behave without conscience' toward her. I just finally woke up and realized how absolutely toxic she is, and I chose to follow my conscience that was screaming at me to RUN! Protect! Get away from the bad! I wouldn't ask for forgiveness for my actions anymore than I would ask forgiveness for donating money to charity.
I honestly believe you are seriously disturbed mentally-- so much so, in fact, that I don't think you are even capable of realizing it.
Intention: It's your fault and you're wrong! And now that I'm declaring you incompetent, I don't have to listen to anything you have to say! Nee ner nee ner nee ner!
Response: Wow, just, wow. Talk about a low blow. This man knows that I'm: intelligent, capable, highly functioning and always have been. He's just stabbing aimlessly at this point.
I loved you specially, and it hurts me to lose you, but I consider it done.
Intention: You WERE special, but now you're not. As noble as I am, I am willing to suffer the pain of 'losing you,' in order to get my point across. So there. Fini!
Response: In healthy relationships, love is never used as a negotiating chip. Love is never put on the table if it is real in the first place. Ever. Like? Yes. Love? No.
Uncle Minion
See note re: greeting...
Good riddance to bad rubbish, says I.
And what do we do with rubbish? It goes in the bin with all the other dirty kleenexes and poopy diapers and old, stinky banana peels. And stays there, where it belongs, with all the other rotting things.
Thank goodness I don't have this person in my life anymore.
Love,
Vanci
i don't know why but when i read this letter in the last post, it didn't make me angry the way other crazy letters have. i think a part of its cause your uncle's just so goshdarn straightforward and linear. i don't know what the other part is. he's trying so very hard to throw around his weight, of which he has none. it just made me go, "uh huh." the whole thing is such a neat self-contained packet of crazy. especially given that it's your uncle who doesn't have the right to be talking like this to you in the first place and it's not even any of his damn uncley business.
ReplyDeleteHeh, reading your dissection was like seeing what I was thinking when I while I was reading that letter in the earlier post! :)
ReplyDelete