Many moons ago, an acquaintance said to me:
"Vanci, you remind me of the saying, 'Do not mistake my kindness for weakness.'"
I accepted this compliment for what it was and graciously said my thanks. Then, I moved on with my day. I've occasionally returned to the phrase over the intervening years and wondered what, exactly, this means.
I am, at my core, very kind. I always have been; after all this is one of the reasons that I was made the Scapegoat in my NFOO. By definition, I believe, the Scapegoat has to be kind; we're the most empathetic of the collection of personalities that make up the dysfunctional gene pool. If we weren't, they wouldn't be able to get what they need from us; a person, even as a child, has to be highly sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of those around her in order to ubiquitously serve the needs of those others. I was, unfortunately, exquisitely wired to be the kind one. Sometimes I wonder what joyous miracles this compassion could have created had the Narcs not chosen to take advantage of it, and me.
Alas, as we say sometimes in the recovery community - If you've got one foot in yesterday and one in tomorrow, eventually you're going to end up pissing on today. So, it was... what it was.
Still, when I finally gathered the strength and the resources to jettison myself from that hellish facade of accommodation that I was raised in (and make no mistake, it was I who did all the accommodating,) I had a hard time being 'nice.' I'd had my natural tendency to nurture, to be kind, to help others taken advantage of for so long that I couldn't distinguish between being 'nice' and being used. It took awhile to remember that I can absolutely do things that are 'nice' for other people and that I can absolutely choose to be 'nice' without allowing myself to be used up and walked on.
The dividing line seems to lie in my intentions, and that's where I've begun to make a distinction between 'nice' and 'kind.' More and more I think that being 'nice' means that I'm defining my action by external measurements. 'Nice' is the stiff-necked proper etiquette and corseted action of one who is trying to please those around her. 'Nice' means that I'm trying in my actions to fit into what I think will be acceptable behavior to others. 'Nice' means that I'm trying to do what YOU think is the right thing for me to do.
'Kind,' conversely, comes from an internal source. I am kind to those around me who need kindness, and there is no expectation of reciprocation or accolade. When I see a need and fill a need out of the goodness of my generously large heart, I am exercising kindness. When I take action based on my inherent knowledge that I am doing the right thing, I am being kind.
I can enjoy being kind to others, because I am a fulfilled woman. It costs me nothing to be kind, usually, and if it does, then I find that I've fallen into the trap of 'niceness' again; typically this happens when I discover that I've been attempting to be kind to a Taker. Not all Takers are Narcs, I think, but all Narcs are Takers. The difference for me, now, is that I can step back and see clearly what is happening. And I can choose to stop being 'nice' and to replace it with kindness, if I feel I should, or to walk away altogether.
There is something very hard and inflexible at the core of my soul, a massive center of strength that I live in. Like my natural predisposition toward kindness, I believe that I have always possessed this strength. The Narcs didn't create it, though I've certainly had that core tested over and over again by their abuses. And my strength has not failed me, has not wavered. I've grown stronger.
Strong enough to be kind without being weak.
So, Narcs and Takers of the world beware: Do not mistake my kindness for weakness. I am stronger than even I know.
Love,
Vanci
My late husband was the nicest man ever and my NPs saw it as weakness and crapped all over him.
ReplyDeleteMy tendency toward kindness has been sorely tested by them over the past few years until I have none left to give them. That left me with nice and socially acceptable but they threw that back in my face too.
Sometimes I sit quietly and try to summon what feelings I have left. There is nothing there, positive or negative, just nothing. They are what they are and I accept that, but it doesn't mean I have to endure their abuse any longer.
Dear mulderfan,
ReplyDeleteOne of the most disgusting and atrocious actions they take is to turn our good qualities against us. It's vampiric. It's awful. It's so sad that they seek to turn us on our ourselves using our own good qualities. It's also one of the main reasons that I became aware that these people will never change, never give in and never lay off their abuse of me. It helped me to understand that NO Contact is the only path for me.
After being abused for so long in this way, we are left 'holding the bag' and wondering: if kindness garners abuse, should I then not be kind?
My answer has come more and more (the longer I stay away from the Narc destruction) from my experience with the 'new' people in my life who are non-Narc and authentic. My kindnesses toward or that involve them are: cherished, accepted, appreciated and reciprocated.
The longer I stay away from the Narcs, the easier it is for me to understand that my kindness was never the problem, it was the company I kept with the NFOO that was the problem.
I've no kindness left for them either, but have reached the point where I have plenty for other more deserving people in my life.
As you say, Fuck Em. :)
Love,
Vanci
"The longer I stay away from the Narcs, the easier it is for me to understand that my kindness was never the problem, it was the company I kept"
ReplyDeleteI so agree with this. I feel at time that I was kind from the day I was born. I truly have been taken advantage of for years because of it. In my FOO, in my friendships, and in my romantic relationships. I am just recently paying more attention of whom I surround myself with. I have great loving people in my life, but tended to always go back to the people that didn't treat me well, and try and prove my goodness. It was exhausting, and depressing.
Like Oprah says, "When you know better, you do better".
Anon
Anon,
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad I know better now, and happy for you, too! You're so right; it is absolutely exhausting and depressing to have 'prove' our inherent goodness to people who will never, under any circumstances, acknowledge that we are good.
I've gotten to the point of believing in my own goodness. I'm so glad that's enough!
Love,
Vanci
Vanci, you said, "You're so right; it is absolutely exhausting and depressing to have 'prove' our inherent goodness to people who will never, under any circumstances, acknowledge that we are good."
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post; it was an eye-opener. It's only recently I've surrounded myself with healthy people, and I'm finally realizing that my FOO's insistence that "you're SO SELFISH!" was just completely insane, because of course the scapegoat can never hear anything positive about themselves.
HI Anon!
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading and thanks for your comment. It's so true; their primary weapon is to turn us... on us. I'm glad you're surrounding yourself with healthier people. They're more fun anyway!
Love,
Vanci
Lovely post. You seem very strong and very kind. I think I am the former, but would like to be more of the latter.
ReplyDeleteThank you for inspiring me and reminding me which way to point my flashlight while trudging this road.