I've been a writer since the first time I pieced a string of words together and made a coherent sentence. Sometimes I'm a good writer, sometimes I'm a great writer and sometimes I'm an okay writer. I'm rarely a bad writer, but I'm sometimes a blocked writer.
I kept diaries as a kid, but even then I knew enough about the Crazymakers' modus operandi to understand that words of truth kept in black an white were evidence, and that evidence is what gets the scapegoat convicted of crimes - hers or someone else's. I destroyed diaries as quickly as I wrote in them - just another built-in safety measure I suppose. Still, it was never the act of keeping the words that provided me with release, just as it wasn't the act of sharing the words that made them real; my therapy came from - and still comes from - the actual writing of the words.
To pull an abstract concept, feeling, emotion, scenario, situation, theory or idea from the ether and use words to coalesce it, to make it black and white, to create worlds and reality out of those concepts; that's my huckleberry, baby. The act of creation is what I need. The act is what counts to me, moreso than the audience or even the impact.
Lately, due to all sorts of different distractions and demands on my time, I just don't have the words. This makes me sad.
I've placed myself at the keyboard many times over the last few weeks only to be stymied by my lack of creative energy. Like Jack, all work and no play is making Vanci a very dull girl indeed. Dull might not be the right word, actually, I think what I've been feeling is stifled, maybe even oppressed.
And whoo boy, that's a freakin' familiar feeling for me as an ACoN. So, tired leads to blocked, to stifled, to oppressed. True to my nature, of course, that oppression leads to ... make. vanci. angry.
This cycle becomes a sort of self-perpetuating prophecy for me. The claustrophobia of being unable to express myself eventually works its way into a blinding rage. Like I said, make Vanci angry. And when I'm angry, well, that's just ugly. Perhaps after so many years of the happy happy make nice game that I was forced to endure, or maybe due to the lack of emotion I was allowed to express, when I get to angry these days (not so often) it's a destructive period of time for me. I can't create when I'm so busy destroying. And if I can't create, well, everything gets backed up and I become my own oppressor.
So, this is me, putting it out there and making it real by telling the truth in black and white. I'm hoping that setting it in this stone of font helps me to move past it and maybe the mojo of this post will bring the words back in force. At the very least, now that I've said all this, I feel better.
Love,
Vanci
Helped me too. I have felt this way about my photography. I haven't really created anything for a while now. The cycle does sound familiar. Thanks for putting into words that has nibbled at the fringes of my conscious mind.
ReplyDeleteHmm. Isn't this post proof that you DO have the words? :o)
ReplyDeleteI love the way you write, Vanci. Even when you're writing about how you have not been able to find the words to write, I find a reassuring truth in your words that resonates with me.
I love that you have confidence in your ability to write. That's something I've always had as well (even when my confidence in other areas was lacking). I also have been writing for as long as I could hold a pen and found that it wasn't the sharing of the words that helped me, but just the process of thinking and writing out the words. I also destroyed many of my original journals, though not because I was worried that my FOO would read them or hurt me somehow.
This was a great post. Thank you.
Ya know, Vanci, you're so right. Sometimes words DO fail. Especially when we're processing a bunch of stuff. And IMO, that's not only OK, it's to be expected.
ReplyDeleteWhat's the worst outcome if you feel yourself "..in a blinding rage?" Yeah I know, I destroyed my living room many years ago and yes, it was a mess. And yes, I cleaned up the mess....and from there I changed my life entirely.
Just a thought: Before something real can be built, something faux needs to be "destroyed." And from the proverbial ashes something real is created. We get oh-so-tired of playing the game. There's a lot of years and a lot of tears invested there.
Why wouldn't you be "sad?" When words fail, emotions/experience are bubbling to the surface. In other words, reality comes crashing down as it should. And sadness and anger (fear/incompetence etc.) are the natural results.
I'm gonna respectfully disagree with you: "And when I'm angry, well it's just ugly." No, in my world it's honest. We've been trained to avoid all our feelings since we drew our first breath-especially those involving hurt and/or fear.
Your true "huckleberry" is your honesty and personal integrity. No one can stomp on these qualities without your consent. And it's becoming increasingly clear you're not about to relinquish yourself to any one for any price.
You already paid.
Ruth,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad it helped. I often wonder if there's a connection for me between being good at something and not being 'allowed' to be good at anything (from the Narcs) and therefore blocking myself.
I guess the only thing to do is to keep on, right?
Love,
Vanci
Jonsi,
ReplyDeleteYeah, I liked the irony of writing about not being able to write. :)
Thank you for your kind compliments and for reading as always.
Love,
Vanci
Hi Anon!
ReplyDeleteI agree that we sometimes have to strip it to the bone - even if that means breaking some things - to get a firm enough base to build (better, stronger) on. What trips me out and trips me up, though, is that I've done most of that.
These days when I say I'm being destructive, it's typically me being destructive of myself - shaming and telling myself I could or should do better, make more time, etc. That's the ugly part of angry for me - when I get to the point of non-expression that I start holding in and only realize after the fact that I've been kicking the crap out of myself over it.
Anger with the N's; productive. Anger with myself; destructive and ugly.
Totally agree that we've all paid enough and I'm so glad you said that. I want to order a big stamp like old school billing houses used to use - like 3 inch tall font with red ink that just says: PAID IN FULL. Then maybe the next time I get all wound up/bound up, I'll just go around stamping that all over the place and feel better.
Thanks for commenting.
Love,
Vanci