Thursday, December 20, 2012

Gifts That Matter

I love this time of year; hanging with the kiddos, seeing generosity and random kindness on the street, dwelling on gratitude, the overall wind-down of yet another year and the reflection and memories that come with that, and the anticipation of a bright, shiny new one.  Man, those are the things I live for.

But I am beginning to be oh-so-tired of some of the parts of this season.
Holidays are celebrations, to me, ceremonies to mark the passage of another chunk of this great big ball of life.  This hasn't been the best year in the casa de Vanci, on the surface.  We've had lots of sickness, lots of issues to deal with, lots of pain (both the good, growing kind and the bad, I can't fix this kind.)  We've also had some goodness, sure, but a lot of the goodness that's come our way has been of the silver lining variety, so it's been bittersweet.  That's okay, it's all just part of being messy human beans, and I like that about us; we don't have to pretend to be anything other than we are.

I learned long ago to take the sweet however it comes and to make it my own.  I grew up in a world where there was never a good feeling without strings attached, there was never even a spoonful of sugar to make the medicine go down, there was very little kindness or compassion and what limited amount there was certainly wasn't freely given to me.  In fact, I provided a lot of that care for others, whether I wanted to or it was taken from me.

It's hard for me to find balance between my natural inclination to reach out to those around me and show them that they matter to me and my overwhelming desire to isolate and insulate myself from the world at large.  I'm not depressed and I'm not afraid of people, but I'm starting to become... well, disgusted is the word for it, with the people around me and their bastardization of this lovely season.

I cannot count how many times I have been asked this week, "Are you ready for Christmas?"
I respond the same way every time, "Sure I am.  Why can't it be tomorrow?"  And I smile.
And I'm stared at because this has become a weird answer to that question in a society that values price-tags over time spent.
The PC and correct answer to the question above, of course, is to launch into a monologue about how many gifts I have left to purchase, and to bitch about how expensive everything is.  I hear this exchange all day long.  And I don't get it.

As a group my co-workers and I decided that we wanted to do something for our boss.  There was an email chain circulating for quite a while with suggestions for this single, well-off, fifty year old woman who happens to be intensely private with her personal life.  A wine basket?  A cheese basket?  A chocolate basket?

Really?  Why not just collect the money, shred it up into confetti and give her that?  What's she going to do with yet another basket of crap?  She can afford her own wine, cheese and chocolate, trust me folks.
So I suggested that we make a charitable donation in her name.
Which was like the frickin' shot heard round the world for a couple of minutes there.  Dead stop.  Then everybody chimed in about what a great thing that would be.
Like it was a new idea, like no one had ever (gasp) done it that way before, like such a thing was unheard of.    So that's what we did and she was touched to tears by it.  It mattered to her that we had found a charity we knew she would support, and that we'd thought to do something for her and for others.

It's not lost on me that my focus on gifts that matter is born, at least partly, of my upbringing as an ACoN.  N's in general suck at gifts, and Nparents tend to use gift-giving as yet another weapon against their children, golden and scapegoat alike.  They use gifts like they use everything, to their benefit.  Growing up, the quantity and quality of gifts given to one child or another was in direct proportion to that child's conformity to their allotted role in my house.  When I was a good little scapegoat, a quietly acquiescent of the abuse victim, I got nicer things, or at least larger piles of middle of the road things.  When I began to speak out, stand up, make waves, the piles of things got smaller and the gifts I received became things that Nsis wanted or that GCYB had asked for - except that I'd get the generic brand or the size too small.  On one notable occasion, ENF gave me a giant box of his used pots and pans (dusty and wrapped in newspaper,) as my only Christmas gift.  This was at the last Christmas we spent with them, and was after I'd started making too much noise about what needed to change in the Clan.  Point taken.  At some point during a lifetime of this type of abuse, gifts stopped mattering much to me, no wonder.

And they don't count for much now, except that the gifts I receive now from the real people in my real life of a loving family of choice are often things that show how much I mean to the people around me.  DH and the DD's always get me things like sweatpants and soft blankets and warm socks and slippers.  On the surface that might not seem like much, but it's incredibly thoughtful as I am always cold.  (Right now it's snowing.  Again.  Nineteen inches accumulated in twenty-four hours.  TW, come take your weather back!)  My BIL and SIL always get me something that speaks to me; a book, a magazine subscription that supports one of my hobbies, etc.  They are gifts that say, Vanci we know you and we think you'll like this!

I try to do the same for all the people in my life, too.  I spend time thinking about them and what I know of them and trying to envision what will make them feel just a little more special or let them know that I see them, hear them, support them, love them for their very own skin and everything it holds in.  That's what makes the gifts matter to me, not the price tag or the trend du jour or what the Jones's have.   That's what takes the crassness out of the commercialization of the generous season, I guess.

So that's what I keep coming back to, what are the gifts that matter?

For me, the greatest gift I've ever been given was the support of the people around me as I've extricated myself from the Crazymaker Clan and stayed out.  They don't really get it, most of them, what it's like to live through that and to get away from that, but they don't have to.  They just love and support me anyway, even when they don't understand.

And the greatest gift I've given myself?  The peace of No Contact, of course, and permission to enjoy it.
So am I ready for Christmas number six without the Narcs and Minions?
Oh yessirree Bob.  Let's move it up to tomorrow.

Love,
Vanci

18 comments:

  1. Gifts as a weapon, for sure! Especially since they've been writing cheques for Xmas. The amount tells you where your at in their estimation and if they're pissed with me they reduce my adult daughter's cheque too. Nice people.

    Years ago when we were disowned, I had the first drama-free Xmas in my entire life. This year it will be two in a row!

    You're right Vanci. It's the best gift give we could give ourselves!

    Hope you and yours have a great one! Hugs, mulderfan

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    1. mulderfan,
      And a very merry Christmas to you, as well.
      :)
      Love,
      Vanci

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    2. Gifts are most definitely a weapon. As the family scapegoat, I spent many a Christmas with a tiny pile of really, incredibly, words-can't-even-describe useless, ugly, and/or broken (seriously) gifts, while the GC got mounds and mounds of expensive, exquisite stuff. Then I would be expected to show joy and thankfulness for things nobody would enjoy. It was a fun game for my parents to say with a little smirk, "Now, what do you SAY for all these gifts? Don't you LOVE them?"

      --LuLoo

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  2. We had Christmas. To me it is all about being together. So we pick a day somewhere in the month of December and celebrate together. This year I was lucky and it was on my birthday. Life is good. Now I am enjoying other events like anticipating a new grand daughter. Life is good and beautiful and I feel so happy. Merry Christmas Vanci.

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    1. Ruth,
      Aw, looking forward to a new grandbaby who'll have loving and peaceful people in his/her life has got to be such a joy. Congratulations to you adn the parents.

      Merry Christmas to you too!
      Love,
      Vanci

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  3. So, you don't want the Moose That Shits Candy? Or the Glass Head Of Stupidity?? *sigh* - I'll send 'em to Jonsi. Jonsi, I need your address. For something SPECIAL.

    You know I hear you. Loud and clear. The best gifts ARE support. And time, and laughter. The passing of time SHOULD be celebrated with ceremony and honor. Just not a bunch of crap purchased just to give someone ANYTHING.

    And your answer about how you are SO ready for the big day? I love taking people out of their comfort zone. I have been replying "I'm skipping christmas this year, I don't even know how many days are left. I keep forgetting except for you all!" that really pisses them off. They want ALL of us on that hamster wheel, dammit.

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    1. Gladys,
      I totally want the Moose That Shits Candy, but only because every time it pinched one off I'd think of you. Wait. That doesn't sound right! You know what I mean.

      Don't worry, if they ever get us on the hamster wheel, we'll defeat them with our mighty powers of sarcasm. And possibly the magical elf child that shits under trees.

      Love,
      Vanci

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  4. "The Ghosts of Christmas (Far) Past (Their Expiration Date)"
    "Oh come all ye faithful,
    Join the NC grateful
    Come ye ohhh come ye to Freeeee-dom!
    Come and Behold it
    Born of NP idiot
    Oh come let us abhor them!
    Oh come let us ignore them!
    Oh come let us adore them-
    Truth-tellers, ULBs, NC-ers for LIFE!

    Dedicated to and sung off key by a little old widow and the geriatric cat to my Sistahs and Brothas in Solidarity, Thanks! and memories of those horrid, horrid "Family Holidays."
    TW

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    1. Ungrateful Little Bastards Yule Tide Choral! I'm lookin' SHARP on tambourine. TW, I love this song.

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  5. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Vanci! Growing up, I was always so SAD at Christmas and never knew why! Like Charlie Brown,I spent so much of my childhood feeling like I was "less than." Not really good enough to breathe the free air with others. But as I've come to understand that the SOURCE of that sadness WASN'T ME, but those whom I trusted and thought loved me (painful love!), that I was tricked into blaming myself for everything, I've come out from that dark cloud, and like a newborn still blinking back the lights, I've realized childhood was never supposed to hurt so much. I stood up to my sister and told her to stay out of my life. They've all come at me, and but for one, I haven't responded. I'm enjoying my own family, instead of worrying about what the family cult is saying about me. My gal pal said she would have responded point by point, but I explained to her it's just a way they keep you hooked, waiting for the next communication, the next jab, the next smear, the next denial. Finally, maybe, I think, I hope, I'm free.

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    1. Good on you Brace!

      My NF threw one of his unpredictable rages on every single Christmas that I can remember. Once, (and I'm not exaggerating) it was because I handed him his pre-dinner drink at 4:55 instead of the required 5:00. He called me some name I don't recall so I poured it down the sink and said, "Make your own drink when you're ready." He went ape-shit and stormed out to the car to go home. As NM swept past to join him, she said, "He was only joking. You're too bloody sensitive."

      We did have a nice Xmas dinner without them but the day was pretty much ruined as usual. After that we tried doing Xmas Eve or Boxing Day but they'd often trash me in the Xmas Day phone call.

      It's almost freaky to be finally free but never truly free because I still haven't learned to like Xmas.

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  6. Thanks, Mulderfan. They ask us to grow thicker skin so they can just punch us that much harder. I'm trying to reclaim Christmas, too. For my birthday, my NM pulled a passive-aggressive: sent a gift that was sure to (and surely did) break in transit. I just shook my head, knowing that's the sort of thing she'd do. I think I'm on the permanent "naughty list" for Christmas with my NFOO, since standing up to them is absolutely unfathomably outrageously forbidden, and I did it anyway and told them I don't care how they characterize me anymore (I'm sure that came as a shock!). I've been character assassinated too many times by those who take no responsibility for their words and actions against me. And although there are those in their orbit who will listen to them, sympathize with them, join in demonizing me, they're not a part of my daily life. I have my family and friends and co-workers who really know me and treat me with friendship and respect.

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  7. Love the post and love the comments. This year is unlike any other. I have several deadlines that have completely occupied my time and energy. It's had an unexpected result: I'm barely aware of the N's holiday drama. I have wonderful friends who make sure I'm not forgotten this time of year. Their love and support is a gift that keeps on giving all year long, year in and year out. I don't know how the Ns plan to treat me this year. Traditionally it's a pendulum from sickeningly sweet to forgetting about me. This year, I don't care. I'm not playing the guess-if-you're-going-to-be-slammed-or-smothered game.

    Having made the declaration, I have to admit I miss having a tree. I'd like to participate in a cookie exchange sometime. I miss making gingerbread houses and giving them away. Someday, I'm going to write out how I'd spend Christmas if I wasn't walking on eggshells. I can't bear to yet.

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  8. I would give my all just to be able to punch the guys ringing the bells out side of each and every place I go.
    Right on the side of the head.

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  9. This morning I read a blogpost from someone who quit the Christmas hoopla a decade ago, and whose life is much more pleasant. I did some thinking about that as I took a nice, peaceful walk in the nearby woods. Since cutting ties with my extended NFOO, my holidays are so much more serene. The spouse's family is not only sane, but live far away, so we exchange brief, friendly phone calls and exchange cards. None of the gift drama (broken, inappropriate, or nowhere near the right size), none of the holiday postal rages to endure, nobody holding grudges for a decade about how someone else's velvet hair-bow RUINED CHRISTMAS FOR EVERYONE (I swear I am not making that up)...whew. We're spending Christmas day with FoC and I'm looking forward to it.

    --LuLoo

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    1. Some one's velvet hair bow ruined Christmas for every one.
      That is too rich. That's a LuLoo, LuLoo.
      Some day you will have to share that with us.
      I can picture the melt down in my mind, an adolescent face with tears streaming.
      I would just like to know what led up to it.

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    2. I ruined everyone's Christmas one year when I stopped NF from choking my dog by lifting her right up off her feet by her collar. She was hanging there choking and I quietly said, "Put her down." He replied, "She likes it." and I answered, "Well, she's my dog and I don't like it." He slammed her to the floor and stormed out. NM said, "I hope you're happy, you've ruined another Christmas."

      My DD was a toddler at the time and this was back in the day when I was so fucking stupid I apologized just to keep the peace!

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  10. Just thinking about you, Vanci, and hoping that all is well. I miss your voice. Love, Brace

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