I'm an idea person; as DH sometimes alludes to as he walks away, shaking his head and muttering under his breath, "Always thinking, just always thinking."
And I am. I'm a curious kitty, though I've been nicknamed a 'bulldog' more than once in my life by more than one person. I dig and I scratch and I pull and I push and I wiggle in from behind to see what the underlying essence of a thing is; what's at the core. I've learned not to look for understanding so much as to seek to know a thing. I want to find the shape, smell, the texture of that thing at the core, whatever it is, and to know if for what it is, even if I can't understand its why. I want the truth. No, scratch that, the Truth. I want to know it and to never attempt to unknow it again.
These are a few of the things that I know, a few Truths I've collected along the way. Thoughts are malleable, as they should be. Beliefs are changeable, as they should be. Show me a man or woman who is incapable of changing their beliefs or thoughts and I will show you at best an un-well person, at worst a narcissist, a psychopath, a sociopath. But Truths? They remain. They don't change. The are.
What's the Truth, as Vanci sees it?
The source of pain has to be acknowledged in order for the pain to be lessened.
Skeletons in closets are always noisy.
Vulnerability and weakness play on opposite teams.
I am the only person in the entire universe who can create safety for myself.
My actions are always my responsibility, and if I don't like them, changing them belongs to me too.
Evil exists.
So does love.
Stephen King said it best,
"Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win."
But this is a truth too; sometimes they lose.
That's a Truth that I hold onto tightly.
Love,
Vanci
Beautiful post.
ReplyDelete"Vulnerability and weakness play on opposite teams."
It took me reading this several times to get it. Wow. I wish I could make myself REALLY feel it's true right now.
"Evil exists.
So does love."
Now I believe this too.
Love, PA
PA,
DeleteThank you!
Being vulnerable is something that all ACoNs have to learn to sit with and accept, I think, as our vulnerability was used against us. That's one of those sources of pain that has to be acknowledged in order for us to heal (and be able to remain vulnerable enough to form relationships and to take the chances we need to on love and life.
But its erroneous definition as weakness is widespread and not exclusive to those of us who've been hurt by N's. It's false, damn it. I want to scream it from the mountain-tops. It takes more strength and courage to accept our fragility and to remain open to connection through vulnerability than almost anything else I know. Vulnerability should be defined as the pinnacle of strength, in my not so humble opinion.
Love,
Vanci
I've been struggling much with this. Thank you for explaining it so clearly. "Being tough" has been my only defense against my father and is such a big part of my identity, but I know it has to go. Because it's not what real strength is all about. Thank you.
DeleteThank you for these comments. I appreciate the sharing of truths I can embrace. I like your comment that vulnerability takes strength. I am just learning this. Thank you for validating what I am learning.
DeleteNice one. Thanks, Vanci!
ReplyDeleteThanks mulderfan!
DeleteLove,
Vanci
Well said, Vanci. The truth remains, whether acknowledged or not. There are those who re-write history to suit their version of history as they want it to be true, and that's what my mother has done. She wrote to tell me how spoiled I was, and what a "good big sister" my N-bully sister actually was to me. So true about the unchangeableness, too. You can't convince the unchangeable to change, or to acknowledge pain they don't want to see.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Brace!
DeleteI had a similar experience with a letter I received from my Uncle Minion - I think I addressed it in a post called Dissection of the Nasty. My NSis as an adult is one of the most awful, hurtful, using revisionists I've ever dealt with. But UM wrote to scold me as I'd "lost the life-long support" of a "sister who loves" me.
WTF?
The reality of having a relationship with her was like tap dancing through a minefield, blindfolded and at gunpoint.
But attempting to convince those who need to live in their certainty of denial and gaslighting and revision is just as crazymaking as trying to have a relationship in the first place. Glad I know better now!
Love,
Vanci
*as trying to have a relationship with them
DeleteLove,
Vanci
Ah hell, as if I couldn't love you enough already you had to pull out a Stephen King quote ;)
ReplyDeletevi,
DeleteAh, I love you too.
I remember reading SK back when all my peers were talking about Anne of Green Gables and the Babysitters Club and Black Beauty. Everyone thought I was weird for being a fan of 'horror,' and I thought I was weird, too. Then I grew up and got out and got better and got sober and looked back and thought, well no wonder I was reading horror; I was trying to understand the horror I was trapped in.
Stephen King and his books, quite literally, kept me going for a long time. He gets my vote, any time, any place, for any thing.
Love,
Vanci
Which of his is your favorite? I think mine is Green Mile but it used to be The Stand. Gerald's Game is the one that I may never be able to read again.
ReplyDeletevi,
DeleteOooh, tough question.
I love the hope inherent in the Talisman.
I love the lives of the characters in the epics; The Stand and all of the Dark Tower series.
I love poor Carrie White and the little Firestarter with all my abused little girl heart.
I almost threw up when I read Rose Madder and I couldn't make it through Gerald's Game again at gun point, but only because both of those hit way to close to my first marriage.
So, favorites?
Of his older stuff, The Talisman and the Stand, with a little bit of Danny Torrance thrown in for good measure (REDRUM!)
Of the newer stuff, I don't even know how many times I've re-read Lisey's Story and I think that Cell might be prophetic.
Overall, I think about Roland, Eddie, Susannah, Jake and Oy a lot, particularly when I need to know that life is a wheel and that all will be well and all will be well...
Love,
Vanci
I read The Shining when I was 9. I so related to that kid. Except flip the genders of the parents around.
DeleteI doubt if this is something new for you. Maybe newly recognized, but nothing new.
ReplyDeleteThis is how we survived as children. Even if we could not acknowledge the truth, even to ourselves, it was necessary to grasp truth and use it as a bench mark to vacillate between the alternate reality we faced at home, and the reality we encountered outside.
Does that make sense?
We were an understudy to a shaky reality 24/7. Truth was the unreliable diva we had to eternally watch and be ready to shore up at the first sign of it faltering.
Now reality and truth stand unopposed.
Now that we can enjoy the stability of unwavering truth, it is an acquired taste.
Vanci. I think I exceeded the speed of metaphor up there and Upsi is not around to make sense of it.
ReplyDeleteI posted after the one glass of medicinal wine I allow myself each night and it may have clouded my judgment.
Fell free to yank that if you want.
q,
DeleteI've been busy making xmas candy today and just saw your comments.
I don't think you've exceeded anything, and I think you've hit one of the drivers of my above post spot on. Though I do miss upsi. :)
You're right, it's not new, this Truth finding mission, it's always been part of me. Perhaps it's what made me the perfect SG, or perhaps I have the drive to find the Truth because of my SG training, but either way learning to identify reality (and how to deny it when necessary to survival) was a key to my survival of the NFOO. After all, the best liars are those who recognize explicitly the true facts of the case.
It's one of the traits that makes me insta-angry to this day about NM and ENF and Nsis and GCYB. Those fuckers KNOW without the shadow of a doubt what happened, what they did, what they still continue to do. They KNOW they're song and dancing and dog and pony showing when they do it. They KNOW that they're liars and it doesn't even slow them down in their quest to still come out on top by circling the wagons of denial and turning their victims into their alleged persecutors. It would be so much easier to move on if they were stupid, but the consciousness of their actions is an indicator that they are knowingly just evil.
And I wouldn't yank a comment from you for all the tea in mulderfan's kitchen cabinets, my friend.
Love,
Vanci
Circle the Wagons of denial?
DeleteWell played Vanci.
Well played.
Sure they know. But I refuse to excuse them. They are Perps the same as the NPs. They are all now "groan-ups" who have for what ever reason (it doesn't matter to me) have colluded with the sickos. So much for THEIR "Legacy." And their hapless kids.
ReplyDeletePerhaps they're hanging around thinking they're gonna get an "Inheritance." Good luck with that: You've sold your soul for a......dog. Thass right, folks. The geriatric dog is gonna "inherit" it all for their "Unwavering devotion of the last (x) number of years." Your previous 50 aren't gonna mean squat.
You can't put a price on Personal Integrity. Ultimately, that's all we have and if you choose to surrender THAT for any reason or any price, you never had any to begin with.
TW
So true! They operate like a cult, with NM as their guru. And when you get "out of line," here they all come at you, with various tactics to try to suck you back into your "place." They truly "need" their scapegoat, don't they.
Delete"sure they know.But I refuse to excuse them. They are Perps the same as NPs.They are all now "grown ups" who have for whatever reason(it doesn't matter to me)have colluded with the sickos."
DeleteYep. They all have made their choice. What burns me is when people want to say that the narcs are mentally ill. They are not. They know exactly what they are doing.
TW,
DeleteAmen.
There's no excuse for their kind of intentional harm-causing behavior. I think I'll add that to my growing list of known truths.
Love,
Vanci
It's funny, i just realized this year WHY i was reading Stephen King so much when i was 13 years old. And reading this post and comments confirms my theory. It was like therapy,reading about the truths about the ghosts and monsters in our lives. I think at 13 years old it facinated me to see it written in such detail. i recently read the book about the assasination of JFK. King wrote the character of Lee Harvey's mother as a classic mnarc mom.It was trippy. it was interesting because it seemed like the main character of the book was searching so hard for the TRUTH. Another good newer one is The girl who loved Tom Gorden. Total tale of survival. When i was younger i wondered why King would use children in his horror stories, but i know now it is because all children are not protected from monsters and ghosts.I guess i have always known, probably since i was a baby. We had to survive them and now here we are. In my FOO:I know, they know , I know they are liars. I am now officially a wagon burner. MG
ReplyDeleteMG,
DeleteA wagon burner!
What an awesome concept!
Q, get over here and bring the torch!
LOL.
Love,
Vanci