Thursday, January 3, 2013

Absences

I have some things to lay out on the virtual table with you, my friends.
Pull up a chair and let's have tea together while I whine a little bit.  Just a little bit, I promise.

I've been sporadic at best with posts, reading and comments lately, and I've been working to identify some of the reasons for that.  I'd like to share what I've learned, not becuase I feel I owe an explanation so much as that I feel I'm identifying with some ACoN commonalities here that others might also feel.

First off, and I'm bringing this up for a specific reason, I'm sick.  I posted last May, I think, about my stinkin' Graves Disease, and I'm been concientiously working with my doctor and endo to get my thyroid hormones under control since then.  The problem is that - so far - it's not working very well.  I have days where my levels are so high that I feel like I'm on speed and my energy burns out by the time I eat lunch and I have to take a nap in the freekin' break room like a much older than 35 year old person, followed by days where my levels are so low that it feels like a gargantuan effort to haul my ass out of bed after sleeping for a solid 8-9 hours. 

It'll get better, I know this, and I'm not talking about it here because I'm looking for sympathy.  Better people than me have had far worse problems than this. But I need to say it out loud for one reason only: in the taloned grip of the Crazymaker Clan, I was never allowed to be sick, even if I was.  I was also, therefore, never allowed to take care of myself in order to get better. I was always expected to gut it out, just move on, walk it off.  If I didn't shake off an illness and hide it, I learned that I would be made to pay for the attention it took to get me well, most often by constant humiliation for - potentially - ever after.

So, I've been making a concerted effort to give myself the permission I need to take care of myself.  When I am tired, I go to sleep, even when I would really, really, really, like to post something here or take a look at your blogs.  I miss you, and I feel out of the loop a bit, but I'm consoling myself with the thought that I am learning to obey my body's needs and unlearning a lifetime of external instruction to deny myself.

Second, I am reasonably sure that at least one member of the Crazymaker Clan has found my blog.  Although I'm not particularly interested in their input (rimshot, please,) I did need to spend some time making sure that I have properly analyzed and understood my reaction to this potential.  Now that I'm out of the grip of the gaslighting manipulators, I have learned that my gut reaction is often the right reaction to a stressor, and that I only revert to my Scapgoat training of Ye Olde Life when I overthink a situation.  My gut reaction to a potential breach by the NFOO is this: Fuck you, I'm telling the truth, read it if you want or better yet, shove it up your ass so far you choke on it.

But, I needed to sit with that for awhile and make sure that my gut is on the right track, that I'm not going to hurt anyone I care about with that reaction and that I haven't overlooked anything.  Honestly, after some time, the only thing that I can say has changed is that I feel more and more strongly that I'd like to get rid of the pseudonym.  DH and I are in the opening stages of negotiations on this as it would affect him too.  We'll see.  Other than that, though, I think if I have anything to say directly to the Narcs or their minions, it is this suggestion, to quote the late, great, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., that, "They can take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut. They can take a flying fuck at the moooooon!"

Third, I'm still seriously disturbed by the Major Kerfuffle (go ahead, salute, you know you want to,) that took place because of a couple of Narcs in ACoN clothing around here.  I've read and read and re-read a lot of what went down with all that when I have had time and energy to do so, because I'm still trying to figure out exactly why it pissed me off so badly, why it bothered me so much.  I mean, of course betrayal and deceit create bad feelings, but I am not particularly thin-skinned.  So, I wanted to make sure that I hadn't done anything that I  needed to make amends for, because this sour feeling in my tummy that's still hanging around when I think about the whole thing hasn't happened to me very often before, at least not since I got sober, and it's often associated with my own bad behavior.

I can't think of anyone who I maliciously attacked, but if I did, please, be friends and let me know.  I certainly used some strong words and drew some firm bounaries, I'm aware of that, but I didn't attempt to impeach anyone's character inappropriately.  I'm not entirely sure where the acid still floating around from the attention-seeking double-speakers will pop up next, but I do know that it well, just as soon as those involved run out of fresh meat and come trolling back looking for a new supply.  I'd like to make sure I'm on an even keel before I have to whip out that harpoon again.

Last, I haven't been enjoying my tone lately.  I think that this is in direct relation to how crappy I've been feeling.  I'm hoping that it will improve with more consistent levels of energy and feeling better in the future, but of late I've been under the weather enough that it's made my writing under the weather as well.  As much as I'm a fan of Truth, and wouldn't ever hide mine from you, I'm also a fan of trying to share the message above the mess, and I've felt like a mess lately.  That mess has been big enough to peek through and in some cases saturate what I'm trying to say, and I don't want to hand you that.  It's not your rock, see?  So I'm working to feel well and hoping that wellness is what I can convey again soon without having to work so hard.

There's nothing wrong with talking about the mess, talking about the problem without the answers, please don't think I'm saying that.  I just don't like the dark paths that I end up on when that's what I have to offer.  I feel stuck in a loop when that's where I am.  It's my Boo'Ya Moon, I guess.  I'll get out of it, I'm confident, fuck, look at all the other shit I've survived: this is nothing.  But feeling well isn't happening as quickly as I'd like, and that brings me back to my first point... So.

I came to this place in the great wide cyber world because I felt like I had survived a very specific set of circumstances that I wanted to talk about and hear about.  I was not expecting to find the wonderful people that I have met here, I wasn't looking for a community or a wealth of knowledge.  I just wanted someone to understand when I needed to say that I scan the obituaries every day looking for certain names and that I am disappointed when they're not there.  I wanted someone to understand that all mommies aren't kind and that all daddies don't protect and sometimes sisters and brothers use you as a human shield and expect you to thank them for it. 

I've found all that, and so much more on these blogs and boards, and I'm absolutely, completely 110% grateful for that.  I think about all of you every single day and I send out pixie dust and happy thoughts to you every chance I get.  If I'm absent a little more than I'd like, please know that it has nothing to do with you and that I and my real world loved ones are all fine.  Where we are not, we are getting better, and that's enough.

Love,
Vanci

29 comments:

  1. If there is some sort of community here, I don't think any one of us are owed any explanations about much of any thing. Nor do we expect any.
    Maybe it's the holidays, but I have been feeling the same lethargic mmm.....
    foreboding as you. Just a sort of wheel spinning morass and no sense of how to pull out of it.
    Sometimes it's therapeutic to purge our souls, and sometimes it's not. And when it's not don't.
    I always forget you are 35.
    Your words are from an older soul.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Q,
      Yeah, I think that community is the wrong word for what we are to each other; maybe it's more a matter of the people whose opinion's I respect and value. Just didn't want anyone wondering.
      I am an old soul. I feel like I've lived more than my fair share of lives, and hope that I have plenty more to come!

      Love,
      Vanci

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  2. "Fuck you, I'm telling the truth, read it if you want or better yet, shove it up your ass so far you choke on it."
    HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH
    I am pretty sure you'll be OK

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    Replies
    1. Yeah,
      And then pound some sand up there too, just for good measure. One thing I will never be is weak the way that they want me to be.

      Love,
      Vanci

      Delete
  3. You don't owe anyone an explanation, and I hope you get to feeling better!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Vanci, I'm sorry you are not feeling well and hope it gets better soon. I also have a chronic disease that I've had since childhood. And I have no doubt that me being sick as a kid changed my childhood, in more ways than the obvious.

    The Kerfuffle: I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I think I had the expectations that everyone else around here was here for the same reasons. That it was a safe place of like hearted people. I naively expected that everyone else had come together and found a place to catch our breathe. Maybe put down the narc axes for awhile. It stunned me, which I thick is kind of stupid of me now, that this community was just the same as the world out there. That there will be know-it-alls, people looking to be a leader, people looking to be admired for their wisdom, people out to hurt people, and people just looking to hang on. It changed how I wrote, how I commented, and changed my perspectives of people. And maybe that's it too, I think I forgot that other's on the other side of the screen are just as messy as I am on mine. Real people.

    And my tone's been the shits lately. I very recently (like yesterday) realized I've been holding my breathe all through the holidays. You know, just kept my head down and barreled through. Pissed me off that I couldn't just relax, enjoy my kids, enjoy me holiday and making memories. I don't know if I'm pissed at me because I didn't handle it better or pissed at the narc for creating the whole damn mess in the first place.

    Thinking of you. And I agree with Q. You're old soul sounds so much older than my 35 year old soul.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Kerfuffle really ticked me off; I had just found you guys and was putting pieces together, then the same personalities I was separating from jumped up and demanded to be the center of the universe.

      Vanci, take care of you. Rest if you're tired. You are worth it.
      --LuLoo

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    2. Jessie,
      Sorry it's been a rough season for you, dear. I'd suggest that if you have a choice of being pissed at yourself or pissed at the narcs, pick them. Every time. If you can't find the direct line of responsibility for this particular moment of nastiness, I guarantee that you will see that line at some point.

      Thanks for reading.

      Love,
      Vanci

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  5. Take care of you, Vanci. Your voice is still there. If I wanted perfectly happy and together all the time, I'd check in with the Ns in my life. :-) Yep, I understand about the obituaries and laughed at the salute.

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    Replies
    1. Judy,
      Thank you so much. It's good to know that I'm not the only one. :)

      Love,
      Vanci

      Delete
  6. I'm so sorry you're not feeling well, Vanci. I hope your doctors can figure out what needs to be done for you soon. I hadn't picked up on your voice being any different, since, to me, you're strong in sound, solid, grounded truth. You're in my thoughts, and whenever you feel like posting, I look forward to what you have to say.
    Blessings, Brace

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    Replies
    1. Brace,
      Thank you. I'm hopeful that we'll get it nailed down soon.
      Love,
      Vanci

      Delete
  7. I agree you don't owe any explanations to anyone and this sounds like a good time to for you to practice some self-care. Family caretakers, scapegoats, doormats and such do have a really hard time looking out for #1! Took me a while to realize if I don't look out for myself I won't be there for the ones that really matter in my life. That's what made me sober up!

    Realizing that I was busted has definitely changed the way I blog and maybe hasn't brought out the best in me. Having finally gotten the undivided attention of someone in my NFOO, I just couldn't pass up the chance to give them as good as I got. Not 100% sure that sinking to their level is the best choice!

    Even though I'm clearly busted I hang on to mulderfan for the sake of my FOC and because I love the name, I won't give it up for my asshole lurker.

    Take care of yourself! Hugs!

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    1. mulderfan,
      Thank you!
      That's been the odd thing for me; realizing that THEY might be watching hasn't changed a GD thing for me about the way I blog. Except that I might be a little more willing to slip in some snark where I might have passed before...
      Thanks for the hug, I'll do my best to take care of me.

      Love,
      Vanci

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    2. I completely understand. Being found by my narcs changed my blog, as well. Now that I had their attention, I started slipping in the snarks as well...and research into things like emotional blackmail....

      Delete
  8. Sorry that you haven't been ill Vanci. I hope you're feeling better soon, and am glad to hear you are taking good care of yourself.

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    1. DM,
      Thank you, I hope I will be better soon too.

      Love,
      Vanci

      Delete
  9. Oh Vanci, You've got a Medical tiger by the tail, woman! I'm so sorry. I do get how difficult it is to get this stuff "straightened out" and in the meanwhile, this is playing out against the demands of your every day life. Please take care of yourself and your family. Best wishes on getting this medical situation resolved ASAP.<I bet no one is more anxious for this than you! I don't know how you're even able to function at all.
    I have NEVER observed you "attacking" anyone, FWIW or somehow maligning anyone's character. I HAVE seen straight talk, no BS and healthy boundaries. Your perspective re: fresh meat/trolling for new supply occurred to me as well: More confirmation of Ns in Sheep's Clothing. I had no idea all this behind-the-scene stuff was occurring but it's making perfect sense to me now that it's out in the open.
    TW

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    Replies
    1. TW,
      I know you get it, and I'm sorry for that too, my friend! I'm always asking what spiritual lesson it is that my life is teaching me right now, and it's become abundantly clear that the lesson can only be: patience. Fucking patience. Grrr.

      Thank you for your observation. I've come to realize that one of the primary differences between "us" and "them" lies in our willingness to seek where we have been wrong and to take responsibility. I'm glad to know that you haven't seen any episodes of Vanci Gone Wild. :)

      It does make so much sense, doesn't it? All the sheeples need a shepherd after all. Sigh.

      Love,
      Vanci

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  10. Vanci, I don't have much to say, except that I love you and you're amazing and have been for as long as I've known you. Hop you get well physically.

    Also, can't believe you're just 35. I'm 30 and feel like it will take me decades to get where you are.

    Hugs and take care.

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    Replies
    1. Hope, not hop. Made it sound facetious.

      Delete
    2. PA,
      Ah, I love you too you great sweetie. You're making such leaps and bounds of healing over on your blog and I just feel honored to know you! I'll get better soon, I just know it.

      Age is just a number: when I was 30 I was still enmeshed (at least to some degree) with the NFOO and I was an active alcoholic. Five years feels like forever!

      Love,
      Vanci

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  11. Hugs to you.

    And while I agree with the others, that you owe no explanation, I think you set a fine example for introspection and mindful living.

    I've missed you, my friend, but it's more important you care for your body, heart, soul and mind.

    Love to you!

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  12. I agree with the others, learning to take care of yourself when you always cared for others is tough. My thyroid just packed it up and quit all together. In some ways, that is a little easier than having it go up and down. Thank you for sharing your frustrations with illness. I so understand how being sick sucks and seems to color everything with a weird tinge. Under my parents eye as a child I wasn't allowed bad days only good ones. In my opinion, if you are having a bad few days or lots of days know that people around here care about you and hoping that your health improves. Ok to feel grumpy and ok to feel cheery. I appreciate your posts, your insight and your willingness to stick with your opinion. It is your rock and it helps me to keep mine steady too. You are an inspiration to me. Thanks.

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    1. Ruth,
      You're very kind. It's good to know that I'm loved (especially on the days when I feel less-than-lovable.)

      Love,
      Vanci

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  13. Vanci, I wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I'm in my 2nd year of NC with NM and NBrother. In the process of going NC I had to let go of everyone else as well, flying monkeys, etc., etc. I've been reading your blog a lot this winter. I found especially meaningful your post about the problem with your well. Being able to find others stories about dealing with narcissistic abuse has been one of the most comforting things to me since breaking with my own family. I really like how you talk from time to time about the everyday NORMAL challenges and joys of your FOC. It is actually quite helpful to me, because it kind of helps me to see someone who has been able to build their own life. I have my own very loving and supporting FOC, but things are still very raw. I hope in time I won't feel the gaping hole where the NFOO used to be. Thanks for telling it like it is.

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    1. Anon,
      Thank you for reading and for commenting. I'm at a place on my path where I sometimes (really, this is the Truth) FORGET about the NFOO altogether. And when I remember them, I remember them briefly, in passing and the thought doesn't really matter. I can empathize, though, with the place that you're at. It helped me to hear that yes, it is a process. It helped me to mark small portions of time (as in: this is the SECOND New Year's Eve that I've had fun without them, etc.) It helped me to hear this from those I knew I could trust: You will get better. It will get better. It really will get better and one day you'll look back and realize that it's been a long time since you had to remind yourself of that. :)

      Love,
      Vanci

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