Hard-Won Knowledge

I talk a lot about what I think and what I've come to believe.
I'm an idea person; as DH sometimes alludes to as he walks away, shaking his head and muttering under his breath, "Always thinking, just always thinking."

And I am.  I'm a curious kitty, though I've been nicknamed a 'bulldog' more than once in my life by more than one person.  I dig and I scratch and I pull and I push and I wiggle in from behind to see what the underlying essence of a thing is; what's at the core.  I've learned not to look for understanding so much as to seek to know a thing.  I want to find the shape, smell, the texture of that thing at the core, whatever it is, and to know if for what it is, even if I can't understand its why.  I want the truth.  No, scratch that, the Truth.  I want to know it and to never attempt to unknow it again.

These are a few of the things that I know, a few Truths I've collected along the way.  Thoughts are malleable, as they should be.  Beliefs are changeable, as they should be.  Show me a man or woman who is incapable of changing their beliefs or thoughts and I will show you at best an un-well person, at worst a narcissist, a psychopath, a sociopath.  But Truths?  They remain.  They don't change.  The are.

What's the Truth, as Vanci sees it?

The source of pain has to be acknowledged in order for the pain to be lessened.
Skeletons in closets are always noisy.
Vulnerability and weakness play on opposite teams.
I am the only person in the entire universe who can create safety for myself.
My actions are always my responsibility, and if I don't like them, changing them belongs to me too.
Evil exists.
So does love.

Stephen King said it best,
"Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too.  They live inside us, and sometimes, they win."

But this is a truth too; sometimes they lose. 

That's a Truth that I hold onto tightly.

Love,

Vanci 

To New Beginnings

I love watching and feeling the excitement in the air this time of year.  People are making resolutions, planning to do more and be more as they're prompted by the start of a fresh, shiny, new and so far unblemished year.  Whether they're making a plan to better their health, financial situation, look for new connections or setting other life goals, it's nice to see the drive and effort people seem to be willing to act on, at least for a while, at the beginning of the year.

Beginnings for me are bittersweet.  Most of my beginnings have been due to the end of something else, some other form of existence that has often  been cherished and/or difficult to extricate myself from.  It seems, in retrospect, that most if not all of my new starts have been the result of having been in a pickle in the first place.  I created some of those tight spots for myself with regrettable decisions, but most have come about courtesy of the fucked up world the Crazymakers created around me and in which I stayed for far too long.

Still, beginnings, I think, don't always have to be the result of loss.  It's possible to spur oneself into action based on will alone or simply due to a calendar date.  Beginnings can be pulled from the ether.  Endings, though; well I think that endings always signal a new beginning.

As an ACoN and recovering drunk, I know about the pain of beginning anew.  I know about the uncertainty of having no routine but a bad routine and the effort required to build from scratch.  I know how lonely it can be at ground zero, and how intimidating a blank slate can be.  I know what it is to be at a loss, and how it feels to let go of the old to welcome the unknown with only a glimmer of hope that the new will be better.  I know what it feels like to have the wind of loss whistle through my soul.

Fortunately, I also know this: it can be done.  We really can build ourselves better, stronger.  It's not easy, by any means.  It's so ever-loving hard to change, especially when we are changing what is often everything we've known.  There is a lot of sweat, blood and tears required to re-build from the scorched earth that we are often required to start from after declaring No Contact or hitting bottom or deciding to reject an established family system.  It's work, but it's worthy work.

In my experience, since starting out on that scary new beginning, I've had to put my shoulder to the grindstone over and over again in order to keep moving forward.  Sometimes I have to push and work harder than others.  But - and this is key - as long as I've remained willing to keep moving forward, I've been rewarded.  It's gotten, so, so, so, so much better for me.

I hope that this trend continues in 2012; that I remain willing to approach the wheel and that my back and my heart and my mind remain strong and that I am able to keep getting better.  I hope the same for you.  Happy 2012!

Love,
Vanci