So I'm going from NC outside of a therapist's office to Completely Severed Ties. Here's the letter I would like to send to facilitate this.
NM and EF,
This is addressed to you both as it concerns you both. I've tried so hard to create safe boundaries for myself and my family over these last four years, and have done my best to stay on the metaphorical 'high road' when it comes to you and dealing with you. I kept certain pathways open in the hopes that you would, someday, want to explore having a healthy relationship with me.
It became apparent at our last counseling session that you are only interested in having the same relationship that we used to have; that they way things used to be is what you consider to be a definition of 'normal.' You're wrong. What we used to have together as a 'family' was sick, twisted, manipulative, deceitful and highly, strongly dysfunctional. You've used me my entire life for your own purposes; you've blamed me for your problems, you've lied to and about me over and over again, you've belittled and shamed me in order to inflate your own false egos and images of yourself as 'a good mother' and 'pastor EF.'
I will never re-enter into that twisted and hurtful and gross family cycle and dynamic that you've created. I'd sooner shove needles in my eyes.
Now, one of my daughters has revealed to me that you sexually abused her, EF, and that you saw it, NM, and covered it up. That's familiar. You are a pedophile, EF, and you are a pedophile too, NM. Those who do not protect the innocent are guilty of the crimes they witness.
You're monsters, and we want nothing to do with you ever again. Do not contact me, do not contact my daughters, and DH has asked me to tell you not to contact him as well. You're dead to us.
You'll never hear from me again, that's a promise, but rest assured that if DD wants to file and press charges against you as she remembers more and more of the atrocities you inflicted on her, I will stand behind her 100%. I will not let her down, because I'm not pretending to be a good parent; I am one.
I hope you're satisfied with the lives you've created for yourselves.
Goodbye.
Vanci
Will I send it? I don't know. I have an inkling it might be counterproductive to give them any information at all. They are emotional vampires, after all, and this might just be feeding the monsters.
Your opinions, insights and feedback are welcome, my friends.
Love,
Vanci
My vote: Don't send. I know you want to, believe me. It probably feel so good to show them the old "fuck you." But really? They won't get it, they won't care, it won't really "hurt" them the way it would hurt you or me. I know you wouldn't be trying to "hurt" them for the sake of hurting them...you'd be doing it because we all have that eternal hope that if we can get someone to feel the same level of pain we feel (that they have caused) then they'll STOP doing all the painful things they are doing.
ReplyDeleteBut with people like this...not so. They just...don't feel pain the way we do, and therefore will never understand, change, or empathize.
My vote? Don't send. Some of it feels like an explanation...which they don't even fucking deserve. DH's letter of NC was very short. I personally think that's the way to go.
The part where you admit that you know about how your disgusting EF sexually abused your daughter? That reminded me of one of my favorite quotes, "Never interrupt your enemy while he's making a mistake." Don't let on that you know, or they may prepare a fight against you. If your DD is going to press charges (and I'm FULLY behind that) then I think you should surprise the shit out of them. Don't let them know it's coming.
My suggestion would be to shorten your letter of NC. While I think this one is poignant and perfect in it's way, I think it's more than they deserve. I think making it short and to the point may pack a more powerful punch. You know, basically, "Me and my family will not sacrifice our mental, emotional, or physical health in order to have ANY relationship with you. Do not contact any of us, ever again, in any way, shape, or form."
I know well the deep desire to lace in to them, to defend yourself and your loved ones. But, I think by going NC and declaring it in such a way, you'll be protecting yourself and your beautiful FOC in the very best way.
Also: I wouldn't admit this to them - "I kept certain pathways open in the hopes that you would, someday, want to explore having a healthy relationship with me." I think it's a dangerous idea (sadly) to share any hopes or dreams with people like your FOO. It gives them an "in" that they should never have into YOU. I personally would keep that particular hope to yourself, even if it's gone and you're just talking about a hope you used to have. Don't tell them about it!
ReplyDeleteVanci, I think this would be perfect to send:
ReplyDeleteNM & EF,
You're monsters, and we want nothing to do with you ever again. Do not contact me, do not contact my daughters, and DH has asked me to tell you not to contact him as well. You're dead to us.
Goodbye,
Vanci
Yes. That's what I think. It's to the point, short, and right on the money.
ReplyDeleteFor the record, the rest of your original letter is too...but like I said, I think it's just more than they deserve/need. Don't even give them that much.
Jonsi,
ReplyDeleteYou're right, and right, and right, and right.
I'll be posting the letter I do send shortly - and it will be a short one.
Thanks for reminding me that they don't deserve another single ounce of anything from me, including an explanation or a reason.
Love,
Vanci