The Tell It Like It Is Girl

That's me.  This is a nice compliment that a dear friend paid me recently.  "Vanci," she said, "You're the only friend I have that always tells the truth.  You are kind, don't get me wrong, but I know I can always count on you to tell it like it is."

Being honest is a character attribute, right?  Who doesn't want to be known for their honesty, integrity and sincerity?  But, as soon as she said it, I felt a nudge; an old FOO guilt trip the Crazymakers built into me over many, many years got triggered.

Narcs have an unprecedented ability to skew perceptions of reality, in my experience.  I'll never forget part of a conversation that I tried to have with NM early on in our seperation.  I was only willing to meet with her in counseling at the time, which was absolutely unacceptable to her.  She and the giant defensive chip on her shoulder showed up with an agenda; to get me to concede to her version of reality, admit that I was wrong and right everything by returning back to my allotted role in the family.  It was a mostly pointless attempt at conversation, but this was one of my huge take-aways:  She lies so much that in the end she doesn't know what really happened.

That's not an excuse for her behavior, just the only explanation I can come up with for this.  Interestingly, given the smear campaign she was actively spear-heading against me in the community we live in, she brought up in that counseling session that she was 'embarassed' that I 'told people that our family was dysfunctional.'  "We're not dysfunctional!" she said over and over, as if by repetition alone such a lie could be made true.  Strangely enough, I hadn't actually spoken to anyone outside of The Family about what was happening in The Family at the time, apart from one old 'family friend' who'd approached me at a civic service function.

Ms. Gossipy made it a point to get into the buffet lunch line behind me and quickly dispersed with pleasantries by asking me point blank, "How's your mother?"  I was trying to be polite but honest, so I said, "You know, Ms. Gossipy, I really haven't talked to her in a while."
She put on that evil, knowing sneer that seems to be the sole property of Minions and Flying Monkeys and said, "I know what you're doing to your mother, and I'm extremely disappointed in you!" 
My reply was quick, "I'm sorry you feel that way and I'm not willing to discuss this with you further." 

In counseling with NM, I brought this interaction up as I thought it showed clearly just who was doing the 'talking' about our dirty laundry.  I, after all, hadn't said anything to Ms. Gossipy but she'd obviously gotten her information directly from the FOO source.  NM's response, "Well, I didn't talk to her!"

I called her out, saying, "NM, of course you talked to her!  Who else would?"
"Well," she said, "she called me!"
"But you just said you didn't talk to her?!?"

So far in the conversation, NM's gone from you're being mean to me (saying things about me in the community,) to I didn't do anything (an outright lie,) to it wasn't my fault (Ms. Gossipy initiated contact, which gives me a right to engage.)  Next up;  blame shifting to me.

"Well," she said, "when Ms. Gossipy called me and I told her what was going on, she said, 'Vanci was always such a hard child for you to raise, I remember what she was like as a teenager!'"

Wow, just wow.  Not only was she able to make it true in her mind that I am just bad, since I was a bad teenager (um.... see previous posts regarding sexual abuse and repression by NM of my feelings combined with her unwillingness to create safety for me, etc...) fifteen years previously, but she was also able to make it my fault that she had to talk to someone else in the community about our bad relationship - cause I was just a bad daughter and someone we knew had to call her to find out why.

WTF?
"Why would you say that, Mom?" I asked, deeply hurt by all the insinuation that I was at fault not only for present day issues, but also that my reactionary-to-abuse smoking and drinking and promiscuity fifteen years prior was being dragged back out into the public light as proof of NM's innocence. 

"I didn't say it," she said, "I only agreed with her." 
"So you agreed with her?" I asked.
"Well you were such a diffi--"
I interrupted.  "So you agreed with her and blamed our problems today on my behavior as a teenager?"

Frustrated by my insistence on staying on the topic, she finally sputtered out, "Oh, Vanci!  What does it matter?"

I felt a bubble burst inside me.  Not relief, exactly, but I had some sense of deep, intuitive understanding that I was NOT like her and I responded with, "What's the truth, mom?  The truth is what matters!"

She was silent. 

I'm so glad that I have the ability to see and feel and hold onto and recognize and acknowledge and tell the truth.

Every bad relationship in my life has punished me for being honest. 
Every good relationship in my life has rewarded me for my honesty.
What an awesome tool to have; what an incredible, simple way to live.

No matter the situation, I always have a starting point; what's the truth?  The truth doesn't have versions, it's black and white, it happened or it didn't.  What a great litmus test of my own sanity.

I think I'll just keep tellin' it like it is.

Love,
Vanci