Narc Denial in Action

I've been thinking about my last - and it will be the last - interaction with NM several weeks ago in my counselor's office.  I wouldn't say I'm dwelling on it, but I'm approaching it with the same theory that I've used to stay sober.

We say in recovery, and I believe, that the best way to avoid the next drunk is to vividly remember the last one.  At first, when I was newly sober, I couldn't understand this.  So close to an alcoholic bottom, why would anyone want to remember that incomprehensible demoralization?  I wanted to run as far and fast from it as I could!
Eventually I came to understand the concept, though, that if I could keep in mind exactly how I'd gotten to that painful end, it would be easier to pick up the tools that would keep me from that path again.  Fear can be an excellent motivator, after all, and fear of the hell that I'd ended up in has at times served to keep me on the right path when my more intellectual tools have failed.  It's a temporary jolt, for sure, that doesn't create any real growth, but it zaps me back onto the path of the right direction in a hurry.

So, replaying some of that last conversation has been part of my work for the past couple of weeks as I firm up my plan of action.  With a little bit of research and a bit of reflection, it's amazing how transparent some of NM's manipulations are.  How could I ever have trusted her? I think.  But the answer, of course, is that I was trained from day one to do just that.  I was fed healthy doses of bullshit instead of the mother's milk that I didn't get, and it's natural that it's taken me years of re-learning to flush all that life-sucking, confusion-making crap from my system. 

I present here for your reading pleasure some of the more glaring highlights of Narc-y Crazymaking from that session, in loose chronological order.

She talked for the first ten minutes without stop about what she wanted.  "A normal relationship," she said.  "It just means so much to me that you came to see me in the hospital, and to know that you still loved me.  I almost died, and that's given me some perspective." 
So, again, it's all about NM.  Her addictions and attention-seeking landed her in ICU with failing kidneys and double pneumonia, which she'd allowed to go untreated for too long, so had to have a breathing tube inserted.  Add to this the fact that - without her primary doc handing her hydrocodone and methadone like candy - she was in physical withdrawal and detox from the heavy narcotic doses she's been bellied up to for almost fourteen years. The truth is that she almost ended her own life with her choices, but in NMLand, this means that she 'almost died.'  And it's given her 'perspective.'  
On what, exactly, I wonder?  Is that like, oh my, I almost lost the battle for Vanci's soul before Satan welcomed me home?  Or is it like, hmmm, if I die without Vanci and her DD's at my side, everyone I know will know that I wasn't a good mother or grandmother?  
I can't believe that it was true life-changing, mindset-altering perspective, and here's why: 
"I just want a normal relationship." 

Huh, normal.  This from the woman who defined normal as allowing all three of her children to be bent over a couch, bare-assed, and whipped with a leather belt up to thirty smacks because one of her children had chosen to crawl under the table to get out of the booth at a rare restaurant dinner rather than ask to be excused.  Yes, really.  YB was three at the time and still a pretty 'normal' little boy.  He crawled under the table.  We had our food packed up to go and endured the rage of EF all the way home (fully supported by NM's silence,) where we were then lined up for a major 'whipping.'  We were around three, five and nine years old at the time, and even thtough the punishment didn't fit the 'crime,' and all three of us were subjected to an abusive tirade and physical violence when only one of us had done anything even remotely wrong (which still wouldn't have deserved that type of treatment anyway,) we were told by both EF (when he finally lowered the belt) and NM (when she finally said anything,) that it 'was for our own good.'  Normal?  I think not.  

Our 'normal' relationship prior to the Vanci Revolution went like this: she got what she wanted from me, when she wanted it, without question from or compensation to me.  I got whatever she felt like giving me, which was little if nothing on a good day, and I was supposed to be grateful for that.  No matter how well I followed her rules, even then, I was still unacceptable; I was 'difficult.'

So what she really meant by 'normal' was this; it was high time for me to re-enter the relationship she wanted, because she was running low on Narc Supply.

Evidence:  "...you still loved me."  Ah, I get it!  So you think that since I showed up and told you I loved you, you're back in control.  The Victim Supreme rides again!  Despite the fact that I never claimed not to love her, the statement just places the focus back on target where she wants it to be.  It dismisses the fact that our estrangement was caused by her choices and actions, and makes the entire fight for survival that I've had to wage my entire life a question of whether I love her or not.  What ego!  What classic Narc self-centeredness!

She eventually said this, "I just remember that you and I were really close and we had a lot of good times together... I know it wasn't perfect, but I thought we got along really well."

After I picked myself up off the floor by this outright lie about our history together, I responded in a way that I thought was mature and honest, "NM, I do have some good memories, but I have to be honest.  Most of my memories and experiences center around my having to take care of everyone in the family, whether I wanted to or not.  I have memories of being abused and taken advantage of, of being screamed at and told it was my fault, of being forced to lie to protect the Family at my own cost, of the $15,000 YB borrowed and hasn't ever paid back, of supporting OS financially and emotionally and having her call to scream at me in the middle of the night in return, of being used for my truck and other possessions and of being made the scapegoat in the family.  Most of my memories are about me being used."

"Well, I can't be responsible for anyone else's actions!  And all YB has ever said about the money is that he wants to pay  you back!  And with OS, well, you know some people in our family are more forgiving than others!"  Here she's doing some swift blame-shifting.  She ignores that fact that she has been the primary user of Vanci, and has no compunction about throwing the other (non-present) members of the FOO under the bus.  She's also in complete denial of the fact that she, on many occasions, sicked the Minions and FOO on me; when they attacked, much of the time, they were simply doing her bidding.  She's exonorating GC YB, because it's perfectly acceptable for him to have owed me this money for the last six years without paying back a dime, don'tcha know, because he wants to pay it back. 

And then, classic and true to form, the blame shifts back to me - it's about forgiving me.  Wow.

I cut her off at this point and said, "I need to stop you and tell you that I completely stand by the decisions that I have made to limit and cut off contact with you all.  I made a good decision with my husband to create safety from you for myself and my children, and I have ABSOLUTELY no interest in seeking your forgiveness.  I haven't done anything that requires it."

This stopped her for a minute.  Scapegoat Vanci never would have been so clear and direct with her statement of non-guilt.  Scapegoat Vanci would have been looking for forgiveness.  I wasn't Scapegoat Vanci anymore though, and this direct refutation of a manipulation threw NM for a serious loop.  It took her a minute to come up with this;
"Well, maybe forgiveness isn't the right word." 

Bwahahahahahahaha!  Yeah, 'maybe' it isn't!

She chose thismoment to bring up 'what a difficult child I was,' by saying, "Well, you know, Vanci, you haven't just been used.  We've had to bail you out plenty of times." 

I stopped her again and asked, "Are you talking about when I was a teenager?  Or when I was going through my divorce of the man you pushed me to marry who was abusive in every way possible?  Are those the bailouts you're talking about?"

"Because if we're going to talk about that, NM, then we're going to talk about why I got in the trouble that I did."  I proceeded to bring up my revelation of sexual abuse by EF when I was thirteen and her absolute botch of a job in helping me to deal with it.  (Actually, it wasn't a botched job, it was a carefully executed manipulation to kill my soul while keeping up appearances and guaranteeing her that her life wouldn't change.) 

"We're going to have to talk about the fact that I went from a straight A student who'd skipped the 8th grade to that scared little girl who asked you to protect her.  And we're going to have to talk about the fact that when you failed to protect me to save your own ass, it took three months for me to find drugs, alcohol and sex.  That slippery slope is one that you put me on, NM, and gave me a shove down." 

"Well, I know you won't believe me, but I  just don't remember any of that."

Wow. 
How does a mother not remember throwing her daughter to the wolves?

To be continued...

Love,
Vanci