Discombobulation (and quite a few F-bombs in the mix)

My emotions are running all over the map lately, and I'm having a hard time getting a handle on them.  We're all busy in my casa with school finals and work and snow, snow, snow and life's been chaotic for the last few weeks.  Normally I do fine with the day-to-day hectic stuff, but we've also had a couple of viruses hit us and I've been seriously low on energy, so it's been a bit difficult to deal.

I'm making a conscious effort everyday to just breathe and reminding myself a lot that this too, like everything else, will pass.  It's just little stuff, ya know?

So in the middle of it all, actually sick and tired and trying to get the grocery shopping done at my least favorite (though cheapest) store on Sunday afternoon (the worst possible time of the week to be in said store with all of the post-church families in their Sunday go to meeting clothes,) my youngest DD chose to tell me that the Crazymakers had found another loophole and attempted contact.  Again.

They came up with this little trick a few years ago where NSis makes friends with what I can only call broken women and their children.  They're usually single moms, usually ladies with obvious self-worth issues and they usually don't have much of a support system in place.  NSis swoops in and enfolds the broken woman into the 'loving' arms of the Clan.  I've been a single mom.  I know how hard it is and how much being alone in the crazy world of parenting can make a person feel isolated and like screaming, "Would it be too much to get a little fucking help here?!?"  I'm guessing that the many hands of the Clan looks comforting and probably even feels that way for awhile.

So, these little families get roped into the farce and then the various members of the NFOO go about determining their worth; of what use these people are.  Children are not immune in my NFOO to being assigned roles.  Children in my NFOO are to be used and hurt and discarded along with adults.  S'what they do.  They're good at it.

So, the children of these 'broken' (or are they just stupid?  I don't know) women - and they are always women for some reason - get roped into the games and are used as pawns and minions.  In some sick perversion of the needs of the whole outweighing the needs of the individual, these kids - I can think of five separate individuals from four separate families over the last three years - get sent out to do NM's or NSis's bidding.  In three years my DD's have heard five different but eerily similar versions of this:

"I just wanted to let you know that I know your aunt/grandma really well, and if you ever want to talk to her, you can send a message through me.  You can send a note or I can give her your number and I promise your mom won't find out."

What.  The.  Fuck.

Now, my DD's have done okay with these Narc sneak attacks.  They've told me about them every single time and have responded to them with stunned (at first) or cold (more recently) silence.  They've gotten pretty good at the non-emotional brush off along the lines of, "Um, thanks.  Have a good day."

We know it's not these kids' fault.  They're being used.  They're sent unarmed into battle with the missive that they're doing a good thing, really, with no real knowledge of the potential quagmire they're putting themselves into.  They've been given a convincing version of the Great Crazymaker Clan Lies and they don't know any better.  How could they?  After all, if any of them ever got up the urge to question the squeaky clean story of crazy-Vanci-who-won't-let-us-see-our-granddaughters/nieces-because-she's-messed-up-so-bad-but-we're-perfect, well, we know how the Clan deals with dissenters, don't we?  They'd be beaten down before they could say boo.  I'm proud of my daughters for dealing with these other kids with grace and class.  I'm proud of them for telling the truth about these overtures of crazy.

But I'm pissed, I am oh so fucking angry.  Dangerous angry.  Spitting bullets angry.

Who does this to kids?  What kind of a person ever, under any circumstances, puts that kind of message and weight on the shoulders of children?  My girls deal well with it, sure, but it pegs my needle in the red that my darling daughters have to even suffer the interruption in their goddamn lives.  They don't deserve that!  But, oh, wait, we're talking about narcissists here; guaranteed they haven't thought for one minute what that kind of message can do to a kid, either the child receiving it or delivering it.

And those poor messengers; what's the message?  I've never met an upstanding and mature adult who would ever even think to convey to a child that keeping secrets is a good thing.  Because it's not, you know, our secrets make us sick, and asking a child to carry them is one of the cruelest things I can think of.  The only conceivable circumstance I can even stretch to where it would be okay to tell a child that they can confide in me and keep it secret would be a short term promise in cases of abuse and only then would a secret be kept long enough to seek professional help, ie law enforcement.  And I certainly wouldn't send that message through a child.

But wait, I keep forgetting, when I'm dealing with a child I have the child's best interests at the forefront of my action.  The NFOO doesn't have the child's interests anywhere in their gameplan; children are pawns and excellent supplies of narc supply (not to mention fodder for abuse) to NM, ENF, NSis and GCYB.  It's all about what the Narcs can get out of them, what life and blood they can suck from the marrow of the innocents.  In that context, kids are probably the best find ever; they are incapable in so many ways of fighting back.

And a large part of me right now is screaming for a fight.  I want so badly to just start posting on this blog with my real name, to start telling my story on my everyday Facebook, to send an email to Uncle Minion asking him to pass along that if there is one more fucking attempt to contact, I'll be publishing details of NF's sexual abuse of me and the DD's, NM's cover-up and drug addictions, NSis's and GCYB's drug and alcohol use in the fucking local paper.

Some part of me knows that this isn't the right avenue to take, though fuck me if I know what the right way is.  I don't want to open up my DD's to scrutiny or fear of retaliation, I really don't want to stir the kettle for them anymore than it already has been.  As far as those messenger kids, what's to be done?  Their parents are allowing them to be around the seemingly wonderful and loving and pathetic 'grandparents,' and obviously presenting them as some sort of role models.  They haven't, technically, done anything wrong.

Technically.  But I know different.  I know the fucked up blame the victim and use, use, use the innocents platform they're coming from.  And I just want to take a flame-thrower to it.

Ahem.
So, for now, I'm sitting in it and keeping the whole situation in my conscious thoughts while trying not to dwell overly much, because I know about watched pots not boiling.  Some course of action will open itself up to me, I'm certain, and it will make perfect sense when it does.  But for now, fuck, fuck, fuck I just want to seek and destroy.

Not my most enlightened post, this one.  Thanks for reading anyway, and please do let me know if you have any ideas.  What would you do?

Love,
Vanci

P.S.  I've talked to professionals about the sexual abuse, and for various reasons we have no prosecuteable case.  I'd love to be able to file charges, trust me, and see it all the way through prison time, but what is wrong and the framework of wrong that the law provides are entirely different things, unfortunately.  So, that option's not an option.