"I was tied to a chair with dishrag stuffed in my mouth and made to stay there all day."
"They beat me for not cleaning up after my younger brother's diaper mess. I was four years old."
"He broke my arm and threatened to break the other one if I told the nurse the truth about how it happened."
"She locked me in my room for days on end with no food or bathroom."
The above are only fragments of a portion of the true stories I've heard in this community and other arenas in which we ACoNs and survivors of abuse huddle together seeking shelter from the storm of our memories. When we're in the middle of the abuse, when it's actively being forced upon us, it (and those who wield the abuse,) are the gale force winds we're threatened with. They're alive, they're monsters, they're right outside of our minds, ready and waiting to exert their influence; they're looking forward to hurting us, breaking us.
Some of us don't make it out.
They take our hearts, our time, our money, our souls, our relationships, our careers, our creativity, our lives. They appear in our bedrooms and our offices and our sacred places and they ravage us like the beasts that they've allowed themselves to be or become. They wear us down, they confuse us, they find ways to make us shoulder blame that we don't deserve and shouldn't be forced to carry. They consume us in any way they can, and then they convince us that their cruelty was what we deserved in the first place. Most of us have only the defense of denial to block out the pain while we try to live through it. Is it any wonder that we live in shame, fear, dread, terror? Is it any wonder that we become broken people?
Some of us get away, to varying degrees. We survive the atrocities and we spend time and energy and money and emotion and will digging out of the premature graves - be they metaphorical, emotional or physical - that the abusers put us in. We overcome, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, sometimes all the way. Sometimes, yes it's true, sometimes we fucking thrive once we get out of that dark, dank, dirty hole that they dug for us.
And when we realize that we've made it into the light, we commit the ultimate alleged 'sin' against our abusers, our dysfunctional families, our narcissistic or deranged or sociopathic or psychopathic 'loved ones,' be they parents or siblings or spouses or friends or ministers or teachers or neighbors.
WE TELL.
We break the cycles of abuse with our voices and our words and our experience and wisdom and support of each other. Bedraggled veterans of combat, we speak of what happened, what it was like and what has changed. We share our memories and the tears, anger, shame that come with them. We talk about how we got out and how we stay out and how we move on and how we live, not just through it, but also with it. We tell the truth about what we've suffered, and we tell the truth of how we survived and we tell the truth of how to live well for different reasons and with different motivations from each other, but the core we share is always the same: we made it, we survived, we're here, we're together, we can do this.
We tell our stories for reasons that only survivors can understand.
We who have been forced to swallow the horror and pretend it doesn't exist (in my case while singing in front of the church on Sunday morning with a big, bright SMILE,) have to speak it out loud in order to affirm its reality.
We who have been forced to sacrifice ourselves to atone for others' transgressions need to unravel the story with a willing audience to help us keep it straight.
We who've been forced to live in shame for crimes we didn't commit (often simply for being born) need to speak out into the light and have others return to us that ...
It wasn't our fault.
We didn't deserve it.
We aren't responsible for it.
It shouldn't have happened to us.
We are lovable.
We deserved better.
We can live through it.
We can grow.
We are not alone.
And most importantly: no one has a right to hurt us ever again.
With all my heart, thank you for sharing your stories and for allowing me to share mine.
Love,
Vanci
I was shocked to see: WE TELL
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about exactly that this week, how that is considered the ultimate sin, to not keep the secret anymore, to refuse to be silent.
Thanks for the post, Vanci.
I love your list. I just put it in a document and saved it to my computer. Thank you Vanci. I needed to hear this tonight.
ReplyDeleteI just wish I could hear from someone who reached through the darkness and touched some shred of humanity in their narc. Depresses the hell out of me that not one of us seems to have seen any genuine regret or an effort to change on the part of our abusers. Most, like mine, seem to escalate when we try to develop healthier relationships with them.
ReplyDeleteI would add, that while we are never truly well, we break the cycle by treating our own children with love and respect.
Great post!
Right on, Vanci. It's true what you say, and we need each other more than anything to face the truth of our histories and allow ourselves to feel the indignation and rage that we were forced to suppress. Thanks for your powerful words.
ReplyDeletexo
upsi
Judy,
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome and thanks for sharing your story. It's good not to be a secret keeper anymore.
Ruth,
Thank you for reading and for putting your story out there too; it's helped me!
mulderfan,
Unfortunately, I think that the nature of the Narcs' condition will prevent us from hearing from anyone who's found the humanity in the Narc - only those who seek can find, and their particular brand of crazy keeps them from seeking. They seem to all stay stuck in their particular repeating loop of dysfunction regardless of ... anything.
I do believe that we can be truly well - healed and whole, as long as we continue to move forward and take care of ourselves. If we're 'doing the work' as they say, it works on us and for us. Thanks for reading and for sharing your stories, too.
upsi,
Thank you for your stories, too, and for being a beacon of hope out in the ether of cyberspace.
Love,
Vanci
Powerful and inspirational -- you speak the truth. This is a fantastic post.
ReplyDeletevwoopvwoop,
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading and I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
Love,
Vanci
:D I wrote my own war stories post. It's a good analogy isn't it? It's almost like a culture war, too: the N's warped culture, or a chance for a new life with a new culture (one that includes empathy).
ReplyDeleteIt really helps to break the silence. In fact, it was the only way out for me.
When you start talking to others about the Ns behavior, it really puts things in perspective. You can finally see how batshit insane they are! Someone else validates your response to their "normal" abuse, gas-lighting, and lack of empathy. WHEW! It's one of the best things about blogging online.
Great post. I think 'we are lovable' is one of the most important lessons to learn, because Ns hold everyone in contempt.
If you took away my war stories the first 18 years of my life would be dead air.
ReplyDeleteMulderfan. If I could get past their denial fest I would be a hell of a lot further down the road. You can't even express their inequity to them mathematically and have them get it.
Um N freak!. Give me 1 of the 1000 things you are hoarding. That will still leave you with 999.
Oh f you they will say. You are just a greedy pig that is screwing me over.
And you can't punch them in the head. Even if they did it to you first. You.... let them get away with it.(I am in the metaphorical sphere here) They will have you thrown in jail.
pwc,
ReplyDeleteI like your war stories post, too! Thanks for posting the link. Batshit insane, indeed; I look at some of the behaviors that were so everyday then through the perspective I have now and can't help but think; what? how is even possible for people to act that way?
Thanks for putting your story out there and sharing in mine. It's so good to know that we ARE lovable, all of us, and that we are not alone!
q1605,
It's true that most N's will never acknowledge even the slightest hint of responsibility for their abhorrent actions. The only solution I've found and what is responsible for most of my growth is to recognize that they're so fucked up I wouldn't want their acknowledgement anyway; it would only be a trick. I truly don't care if they choose to accept responsibility for their actions or not, because I've accepted my role and it's this: I won't ever allow them one more fucking piece of my life. I can't change what they did to me, but I can sure as hell make sure they never get to do it again.
As for the metaphorical head-punch, I'd have to be in the same room with them to do that; I might get Narc cooties!
Love,
Vanci
Yeah, if they are fessing up to something it is time to grow eyes in the back of your head because no good is coming from it.
ReplyDeleteVanci and all, keep posting your war stories. Hearing non-NARC war stories is what taught me that something was terribly wrong in my FOO. Reading all your war stories has been tremendously helpful to me to reinforce that yes, this is truly crazy, and no, it's not just my perception. Narcs really do have their own playbook, and they all seem to own the same one.
ReplyDeleteThank you all.
Anon,
ReplyDeleteI will keep posting, and thank you for letting me know that it helps and matters to you.
Love,
Vanci