Late last night I posted about the monsters of memory that I've been feeling bubbling under the surface of my soul. My intent in writing the post was to call out the monsters.
It worked.
I didn't dream last night, and I had the only full night of restful sleep that I've had in a couple of weeks, since I first started noticing this restlessness. But I woke up with a clear picture of a connection that I haven't made before.
My oldest daughter is a sophomore in high school. She's oh-so-smart and driven to succeed and has incredibly high standards for herself. I support this as well as I can and I'm very proud of her for setting her own goals and working to achieve them. She applies a lot of pressure to herself and I find increasingly that my role is to support her through helping her to manage her anxiety and stress by providing perspective and humor and occasionally technical support.
Last week she decided that she wanted to apply for acceptance into the National Honor Society and I've been helping her to fill out her various forms, gain recommendation letters and get her essay together. Last night I was crawling around on the floor trying to figure out what had happened to the computer printer so that she could print out her final essay.
This is a stark contrast from how I was supported in high school. I was very smart, too. I actually skipped the eighth grade entirely and still signed up for and scored high marks in honors classes my freshman year of high school. Then, I made my revelations about ENF's sexual abuse of me mid-year. That didn't go well. ENF and NM's outright blame the victim game pushed me further over the precipitous edge of my teenage sanity. I started seeking fulfillment in other, more destructive and scary - even life-threatening - areas. I started drinking, smoking and promiscuously having sex. I sought out relationships with people who I knew wouldn't treat me well, in fact, I knew that these bad boys and girls would treat me just like the trash that it had been proven to me that I was. I shot my middle finger in the air to NM and ENF with the only tools I had, effectively - I'll destroy my self, then, thank you very much.
And what did my parents do? They let go of the reins. I ran rampant and they largely didn't say a damned thing. Why? Because I wasn't worth it to them, that's why. In fact, it worked to their advantage that I went on a single-purposed spree of vengeance against the only person I could damage; me. Cause later in life they were certainly able to (and did, frequently,) point to my destructive behavior and say, "See! Look! She wasn't a good kid! It was her fault!"
Now, keep in mind that I skipped a grade, and my birthday is late in the school year. So, coming up on the end of my freshman year, I was just barely 14 years old. Awfully young to carry the weight of the world.
There was never any talk of NHS applications or college planning in my house, well, at least not with me. Narc Older Sister had been given assistance, and in fact later in life I remember driving the nine hours to visit her (when she was actually capable of living away from the Clan for a few years) with a check from NM and ENF to her for $10,000 to help pay for her college education. I'm horrified in retrospect that they had the gall to ask me, the child they NEVER helped with schooling, to transport this blood money. They did the same thing a few years later when she got married; having me take her a check for $2,000, and when I got married a year later having nothing to give me. NM actually said, "Gee, Vanci, it just seems like when it comes to you there's nothing left."
This is one of the monsters that's been peeking out. These are firm, clear memories that I've never lost hold of, but here's the difference and the reason that I think they've been wiggling. My oldest daughter is a fantastic person, but she's a sixteen year old. By definition, she sees the world as an extension of herself. What matters most to a sixteen year old is herself, and that's fine, that's normal. That's teenage-dom. They're incredibly self centered because their world is absolutely wrapped up in their own skin and maybe about six inches of space around themselves. It's temporary and neccesary for growth, even if it is extremely annoying.
In other words, while I've been crawling around on the floor trying to find the damn dusty printer cord, she's standing there sighing and making noise that it's late and she really needs to get this essay printed and why does this always happen to her and nothing's ever right and blah, blah, blah.
And I just want to scream at her, "You think your life's hard?!?"
But I don't. Because I don't want her to live in the hell that I did.
So I'll help her with her essay and I'll take her to the college power hours and I won't let her teenagery selfish attitude push me too far, because I need to recognize that one of the reasons I'm having a hard time is because I'm seeing this beautiful young lady receive all the help and tools she needs to be succesful, and these are tools that I never received. I won't resent my child for asking of me what I wasn't given.
And now that I've made the connection and put it in black and white, I feel ever so much better and here's what I take away from this whole thing:
I'm a better parent than either of mine were, by miles.
My daughter won't have to fight the battles that I did because I've kept her safe from harm to the best of my ability.
Both of these incredible milestones are possible only because I cut the NFOO off from us. If those aren't the biggest fuck you's to the Nparents I can think of, I don't know what is.
Cause you know what? They couldn't destroy me in high school, where I still graduated with a 3.5GPA while drunk (literally, I was drunk at my graduation,) and I won't allow the memory of their horrible parenting and abuse to destroy me now or effect my children.
Love,
Vanci
Yeah, sometimes I had to choke back a, "When I was your age..." but it sure felt good to make sure my DD received an amazing, debt-free post secondary education at Canada's #1 University AND Community College. My NPs warned us against "spoiling" her but the brat Graduated on the Dean's List and with High Honours at both institutions.
ReplyDeleteVanci, you will be well rewarded for treating your kids, not only with love, but with dignity and respect.
mulderfan,
DeleteThank you so much for the affirmation. Amazing how they treat you with what you give them, isn't it?
I can't imagine thinking that providing an excellent education to a child is 'spoiling' them. What a crock and same shit different day!
Love,
Vanci
My youngest is a high school freshman, so I totally relate! When I see that both my kids are confident, motivated, energized to accomplish, and totally WITHOUT the guilt, confusion, self-hatred, depression and anguish that characterized me at their ages (and I'm still fighting it even now!)... I'm so THANKFUL that they're turning out so READY to meet the challenges of being really great grown-ups. They have both parents in full support of whatever they're pursuing, and they KNOW that. I couldn't check the damage that was done to me by my NFOO, but I sure as hell made sure that damage didn't recycle into my kids. I also SO relate to the favoritism to an N sister! If I'd been a born a boy, I bet that I would have been the GC, but since I was "just" a girl, well, you know the story well: "Sorry, got nothin' for ya." What's interesting, too, is my sister claims that I had "SO many clothes" as a teen. She fails to note that I held a JOB and paid for my OWN clothes. NM didn't buy me clothes, like she did NSis.
ReplyDeleteSame here, Brace. No post secondary education for me, a mere girl. In fact they tried to pull me out of high school at 15 because they had lined up a job for me...in a shoe factory.
DeleteI put myself through under-grad and post-grad while working full-time and attending night school. The they bragged that all of their kids had university educations!
You earned it all yourself, Mulderfan. Your achievement is truly your own. I can't believe they would do that to you at 15! Way to go in overcoming their control, and achieving so much!
DeleteI did get to go to college with their help somewhat, but I also worked and got scholarships, while my siblings didn't have to work and never got scholarships. It was also a matter of pride to have all the children get degrees in my family. But they sure didn't make it easy. Any time I needed anything or encountered difficulties, it was a matter of having to prepare like going before the Supreme Court to argue a federal case, and get constantly shot down, shamed, and treated like I was asking for the world rent free. I got married before I graduated, but I did finish my B.A.
Good for you!!
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh Vanci what a wonderful post! Thank you so much for sharing your inner feelings that come from seeing your daughter enjoy and take for granted the support and tools that are allowing her to explore and enjoy life's opportunities.
ReplyDeleteI often struggle with similar feelings whenever I see someone experience something that is starkly different from my experience growing up with my NM. I feel guilty and ashamed because of these feelings, and to be honest I’m not quite sure how to deal with them.
I am an only child, and growing up was not allowed to disagree or even show displeasure with my parents or their decisions. Like your daughter, I was very driven and got perfect grades all the way through high school. NM sent me to the best school in the area, quite a status symbol, and I was introduced to a world of possibilities that I wanted to explore.
Each year I tried to convince my NM to allow me to apply for Governor's School in the summer. She flatly refused, as it required living on campus during the week. "What would people think?! I know all about what goes on in those dorm rooms and I am not going to allow you to be around that filth"
Incidentally, both NM and EF are high school dropouts. EF had no choice, as his father passed away when he was in 7th grade and he was forced to lie about his age and find work to help support his 6 younger brothers and sisters.
NM has told me that she was quite poor and couldn't afford basic supplies, or to eat lunch, and was ridiculed by the other students. But she has also said that she quit because she wasn't that interested or good at classes, and she wanted to get a job so she could buy pretty clothes. Either way, I have no clue just how she knows all about what goes on in the dorms.
My sophomore year I won a state French competition and had the opportunity to participate in an exchange program to France for the summer. NM vehemently, angrily refused. "What would people think...you leaving this beautiful home to go traipsing off to some foreign country staying with strangers?! Absolutely not."
My junior year I wanted to get a part-time job. "Absolutely not! I give you everything that you need...people would think that we need the money and had put you to work"
ReplyDeleteIn high school I was a National Merit Scholar, 4.0 GPA and all my friends were applying to competitive colleges. I was told that I would attend the state school and that I would live at home, rather than on campus.
After weeks of begging, NM finally allowed me to apply to two additional colleges, both well ranked…schools that my two closest friends were planning to attend. I was accepted to both, and offered a partial scholarship to each, but NM would not budge.
So I attended my state university on a full scholarship that included on-campus housing. But not even the Dean of the scholarship program could convince NM that living on campus was a good step in integrating into college life and would provide a training-wheels opportunity to learn independent living.
I lobbied long and hard on this issue, but finally NM gave me an ultimatum. If I wanted to leave my beautiful home and live in some trashy dorm then they were finished with me. They would sell their house, buy a motor home, and kick up their heels and enjoy their lives and I would never hear from them again.
NM said that they would certainly be glad to not have to constantly worry about me and make sure that everything in my life was "pretty". Everything she was doing was for my own good, and she had done more for me than any other mother would have.
In college I wasn't allowed to go on any spring break trips because of the lack of chaperones. I took a scuba certification course offered at the university, and passed the written exam but when NM learned that I would be required to travel a few hours to the coast for the diving portion of the test, she refused. Again, lack of chaperones. A senior in college, living at home, not allowed to go on an un-chaperoned three day trip. I look back and am just blown away.
As a result of running into so many brick walls, I pretty much just gave up in college, realizing that trying hard didn't bring me any benefit. I could earn opportunities, but I could forget about them if they didn't fit with NM's idea of what was right for me. I stopped really trying, skipped classes and often sat in my car fuming or crying, and floated through university with Bs and Cs.
The fact that I was engulfed and controlled, and was repeatedly denied opportunities is the source of my resentment. These feelings are sometimes triggered by events in the lives of people close to me, and I feel guilty. I'm afraid to admit or talk about having any type of negative feeling that come about because of someone else's happiness or success because it seems too close to envy or jealousy. And since confronting my NM about these issues has always caused her to verbally abuse me and praise all her parenting decisions, I just keep them bottled up inside.
ReplyDeleteAn example of a triggering event: a few years ago my BF's daughter (now a senior in college) was having a hard time grasping French, a required course at her high school. Her school advisor mentioned study abroad, and the suggestion was met with support and encouragement. She participated in the program, living in France for her sophomore year. Her dad gave her a luggage set and a new laptop for the trip, and I gave her a camera. She was supported and encouraged by her immediate and extended family when she expressed reservations and nervousness at being away from home for so long.
I was pleased for her, but inside I felt a mountain of resentment and rage towards my NM and mourned my 15 year old self who had so much wanted the exact same opportunity. Topping it off, when NM learned about this she took the opportunity to self-righteously proclaim how she was glad that *she* had the good sense not to send me off like that..."just look at what happened to that poor Amanda Knox girl so far away from home"
It also reinforced the "why try" mentality, and that it is emotionally dangerous to want something too much. I had worked hard to get the chance, and wanted it with all my heart, but was denied. I saw someone else given the chance because it was needed, even though she was mostly noncommittal about the trip. While over there, she even asked to go on a holiday to Italy and Greece. That too was encouraged and supported, as a reward for her efforts to learn French. She ended up having a lovely year abroad, and lived with three host families with whom she is still in touch. She looks back on that trip as a major influence in her life, and she proudly includes it on her resume, as she should.
Even just writing about this, I feel like I am being so petty and unfair. :( I don't wish that she didn't have these opportunities. This is exactly what every child should have! Help when they need it, a chance to expand their life experience, and the ability to ask for things that are important to them without fear of being ridiculed. As children near adulthood, parents should be a safety net rather than a tuna net strangling them.
ReplyDeleteSeeing my BF's children be supported in their decision on universities, seeing them able to enjoy the trust they have earned (going on trips with friends un-chaperoned *gasp*)...in short, seeing them allowed to become separate people with their own dreams and aspirations is such a stark contrast to the way NM treated me that at times it causes me inner turmoil. My resentment towards NM is triggered and then I feel guilty because if anyone knew what I was feeling they would think badly of me.
But maybe it’s really just NM’s judgmental voice that I’m using on myself. I am just so effing resentful that my perfect NM had the good sense to keep me tightly locked away inside a gilded box to protect me from all these opportunities.
I need to learn to admit and feel the resentment without the guilt. I’m almost three months past my realization that what I’ve always dealt with from my mother actually has a name (NPD) and I have been just floored to read accounts on blogs that sound as though they could have been written about her.
I have read everything I can get my hands on in an attempt to arm myself going forward with LC, but every time I come across something that triggers me, I completely flounder. I am trying to explore my feelings when I’m triggered, to own how the events made and make me feel, to reframe it for myself through the lens of knowing about NPD now…but what is actually happening is that I glow brighter and brighter with these pent-up feelings and then I shut it off, as though I blew an emotional fuse.
Your post last night about encouraging the shadows to bubble up so that you could deal with them really made me think when I read it. I wondered how you manage to relive the events, remember the abuses, try to flush them out of your system without getting dammed up? I was taught all my life that I wasn’t allowed to have my own emotions, so now that I want to experience them it’s like I’ve almost forgotten how, if that makes any sense. I need to learn how to turn that spout back on.
I am sorry about the length of this comment..this issue really spoke to me! Your post today was lovely, and it gives me hope that I can reach a stage in healing similar to yours. I loved reading about how you kept these feelings in check, how with a strong, clear stand you broke the chain for your DD. You are truly a wonderful example and you richly deserve the happy FOC that you have nurtured with your empathy.
Hi kam!
ReplyDeleteNo worries on the length of your post; thank you for sharing your story!
I'm a big proponent of NC as I don't believe that true narcs ever change, so I'm not sure how well my advice works for someone who is seeking LC, but I'll try to answer the question about how not to get 'dammed up.'
Three months out of the gate, the answer is this; just keep swimming. Keep reading, keep allowing the triggers to come and try to allow natural reactions to them; whatever the voice in your head tells you to do, try the opposite and see if that works. If not, try something else. And something else... and so on.
There is something to be said for time and effort in the healing process; we are rewarded for continuing to try.
I'll try to do a longer post soon about how I deal with this and how I dealt with it early on, but in the meantime, I'm so glad you're here and proud of you for making an effort to take care of yourself and I'm sending you loads of happy thoughts.
Love,
Vanci
Thanks, Vanci for the welcome, well-wishes, and insights :)
DeleteI will keep swimming and continue to visit and gain strength and inspiration from this lovely community of ACON bloggers. I think of your blog and others like water stations on a marathon course.
I loved your advice of doing the opposite of whatever the voice in my head tells me. (and it made me giggle, thinking of that Seinfeld episode where George Costanza did just that, with outstanding results)
Thank you for reminding me that although I have just started my marathon, it does get easier, and faith and perseverence will bring about good things.
(left foot, right foot...rinse and repeat)
Big hugs to you!
love,
kam
What I find truely amazing is that despite the neglectful, control freak behavior of our narc FOO's we all were able to overcome and prevail. Pitfalls yes, imperfection yes, (I speak for myself of course) but tremendous strength and resilience. So, congratulations to all of us for our accomplishments.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the post Vanci,
Tried and true
Tried and True,
DeleteYes! We are the best of the lot, I think, and that's likely one of the 'reasons' that we are singled out for mistreatment. That we survive is a miracle; that we thrive is a testament to our character (flawed or not.)
Love,
Vanci
God bless you, Vanci, for not making your DD pay for what NM did to you. After all, she wasn't even born yet.
ReplyDeleteYour encouragement to Kam was edifying, too. I've been disillusioned in the past by observing bloggers whining about "etiquette" instead of actually listening to the people who tried to be heard in their longer-than-usual comments.
And Kam -- Dang, girl, you are a good writer! If you ever create a blog, I want to check it out.
There's a lot of intelligence here, and you all have made good use of it despite the turkeys trying to hold you back.
anon,
DeleteThank you for reading, commenting and for the blessing.
Love,
Vanci
Another great post and thanks for this, Vanci. Can you just imagine what your life would have been like had you not set yourself free? And the "OMG!" comments/efforts at sabotage and undermining your parenting skills from your narcparent(s)/foo if they had the opportunity to see how supportive and encouraging you are of your DD?
ReplyDeleteIf I ended up having to do this life all over again, could you please be my mom?! :)
kam, Your comment ".....it is emotionally dangerous to want something too much" just jarred me-in a GOOD way! You definitely articulated an underlying and unexamined belief I had not thought of/addressed, yet that theme has played out in various ways throughout my life. Thanks so very much for sharing this observation.
You all are a gift to me. Thank you seems so inadequate, but here it is.
Tundra Woman
TW,
DeleteI shudder to think of how my life would be if I were still enmeshed/enslaved. I shudder even worse to think what my DDs lives would be.
I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.
But yes, consider that I'll be standing in line to parent you when we get ready to do this life over again, should it shake out that way. Gladly! You are a gift, too and I'm so glad you are here.
Love,
Vanci