The Purpose of Boundaries

I believe in setting boundaries.
I think that learning how to set boundaries around our homes, hearts, lives,souls, spouses and children and family of choice is a mightily important step for ACoNs to take.
Most of us weren't taught in childhood - when we should have been taught - to establish those crucial lines, buffers, stop-gaps and walls.  We weren't taught that we have a right to defend ourselves in body in spirit or mind.  We were taught that defending ourselves was tantamount to inviting increased pain, at least I was.

Learning how to defend myself and more importantly how to protect myself, has been a hard fought uphill battle of the last few years.  I've had to relearn stores of data in order to correct the system glitches that the Narcs implanted years ago.  It's involved serious contemplation of all the relationships around me and often I've been forced to the realization that some of the relationships I had - which I'd once thought were normal and healthy - were seriously messed up.

I've discontinued long term friendships with people whom I truly thought were on my side because as I've learned to control my controllables (read: ME) I've had to face the fact that many of these people were using me for my extraordinary Scapegoat Superpowers.  I've discontinued my relationship with sweet alcohol as I've become healthy enough to understand that what release I found in its tickly bubbles was both short-lived and false (plus, you know, it just plain quit working.)  I've discontinued doing the dance of the FFA - that's Fake Friends of America, you know what I'm talking about; the people who invite you to purse parties and talk about how fat they are and what diet pills work or brag about how super special their kids are and compliment you on your haircut and sharpen the knives of gossip and fakery incognito so that they can slip the blade in when you turn around to see what was on that plate of crudites.  I don't want anything to do with relationships that involve more than, oh, let's say 5% vague falsery, and only as it regards those subjects that fall under the heading of TMI, basically any topic involving the word 'discharge'. I'm okay with friends lying to me about that.

So, essentially, I have learned how to have a small amount of honest, truthful and full-disclosure relationships with other real people.  This is a good change in my life.

I have learned how to protect myself from potential relationships with dishonest, untruthful and sneakily fake relationships with fake people and their fake intentions.

Here's the thing, though.  Narcissists and those controlled by Narcs aren't either one of these types of people.  They're a whole different banana.

Now that I've taken a somewhat circuitous route around the ballpark, here's what I've come here to say tonight...

Locked doors keep out honest people, but thieves know how to pick the locks.
Fences make good neighbors, presupposing that the groups on both sides of said fence are willing to respect it.
A country's border doesn't mean anything once the rockets are launched.

When I began on my journey to learn how to protect myself, I thought that setting and holding boundaries would protect me, sure.  But I also thought that I was teaching other people how to treat me, that I was saying, "Hey, this is the line and I will only tolerate behavior that doesn't cross it," so that those others would stop crossing that line.  This is a natural thought process, I think, to a normal person.  When I drive, I stop at the line before intersections, not in the middle of them.  When I fly, I stop at the line on the floor that I'm not supposed to cross until the TSA lady waves me through.  That's what lines are for, designation of a change in the plane of existence.  Before the line, I do one thing.  After it, another.  It makes sense.

But Narcs don't respect lines, especially lines drawn by the Scapegoats, the ACoNs, the children, those whom they wish to control - basically everyone that they allow in their lives.
Locked doors, fences, unlisted numbers, space boundaries, borders: all these things are red flags to the bull-Narc's eyes.  They must possess, own, control, have it all.  I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too, and your children and your money and your spouse and your house and your time and your food and everything else you've ever had or might ever have.  That's the only boundary acceptable to a Narc; I get you all, or you get nothing.

So what have I learned?  I learned how to draw boundaries because I needed to learn how to do so in order to keep myself safe in the world.  I learned how to be clear, so clear, about what I need, what I'll accept, how I will accept it and the circumstances under which I will walk away.

I've learned that the people around me who respect these boundaries are the people in the world that I might potentially have a relationship with.  And those who cross these boundaries once are people whom I might still have a relationship with, as long as we can have an honest conversation about the line-crossing and come to an agreement that it won't happen again.

Most importantly, I've learned that the people who choose to trample my boundaries are the people that have no place in my life; they're the Narcs and the users and the abusers.  They're the lock-pickers, fence-jumpers, rocket-launchers and it's best to A) Stay the fuck away from them, B) Call the police when these people show up.

I set boundaries for me.
Anyone who chooses to cross them is doing nothing more than giving me absolute proof that they don't deserve to be in my life.

Love,
Vanci

Help a Sister Out

Hi all!  It's been a roller coaster of a couple weeks involving a business trip and an injury that's kept me from posting - who knew that an index finger could cause such excrutiating pain while typing? ;)  Although I'm becoming fairly good at this whole hunt and peck style of typing, I'm having trouble reconciling that I simply cannot type as fast as I can think!  I'll be healed up in a few days and will return in force - lots of thoughts cookin' in the old brain - but until then I wanted to re-post this comment I received from KFL5 on my The Big Picture post with a request that anyone with ideas for her respond with their own wisdom and experience.

She asks:
Thank you for this post! Glad I'm not the only one with thoughts like these. I sent my mother an email in Dec. saying that I'd like to communicate via email for a while because phone conversations have not been constructive, and that I think everyone of us should be accountable for what we say to each other (in my mind, verbal abuse from her and my 2 siblings; gaslighting and denial of horrible things said to me, etc.). She has completely ignored the letter's content, but sent a cordial email on Christmas and another for my birthday. That's it. Anyone else deal with the heartbreaking feeling of abandonment when you are finally able to set some emotional boundaries? How silly of me to think that my NM would actually have a heart and try to work through our relationship. Nah, easier to just ignore the elephant and keep up your Emily Post facade. Do I wait until eternity for a response? If I give in first and acknowledge that she ignored my email, am I feeding her N supply??? Please help, experienced folks! Your blogs are keeping my head above water. Thank you for your courage and honesty! K.

I, of course, have many thoughts in answer to your questions, K, but I'm going to have to save them until I can articulate without having to backspace every two characters.  (Grrrr!!!)  I will say, though, that in my opinion you opened up a conversation that you feel you need to have honestly with your mother regarding the non-constuctive and hurtful conversations, and her response is at the very least, dismissive.  By following the 'letter of the law' while refusing to acknowledge the actual core issues, she's either denying - yet again - that those issues exist or she's making it a game to try to ensure that you break your own tentative boundary BEFORE she does, thereby making you - yet again - the 'bad guy' while absolving herself.  (I can hear my own NM here, "Well, I followed all of Vanci's silly little rules and she still isn't happy!")

I won't tell you what to do, but I will tell you that I think you are asking yourself - and all of us - the absolutely right questions and I acknowledge the difficulty of your doing so while admiring you for your courage.  Keep asking!

Love,
Vanci

Not So Sweet Nothings

I received another call from NM today.  Although I’d hoped that my lack of response to her previous call would deter further attempts to contact me, I know from experience that my response or lack thereof is entirely incidental to her actions.  She’s going to do what she wants to do regardless of me: my actions, my thoughts, my feelings, my desires, my boundaries – what possible meaning do these trivial matters have to her when the world revolves around her, after all?
None.
Obviously.
I mean, read this blog of mine and you’ll come across a GOOD number of examples of exactly what NM, ENF, NSis, GCYB and all their ancillaries think of my boundaries: nothing.  They don’t care and haven’t ever cared what I say or do, as long as they get what they want.  When they stop getting what they want, the attack and stomp all over me and any boundaries that I’ve been brave enough to draw. 
They’ve left me largely alone for the last two and a half years because they couldn’t find any loopholes and really at the end of the day, I’m not worth the effort that it would take for them to adhere to my reasonable boundaries and tell the truth.  It saddens me that the GOOD number of examples to be found in the stories that I’ve posted here are a very small percentage of the violations they’re responsible for.  Just thinking of the myriad ways in which I’ve been ‘beat down, broke and used’ by them is overwhelming.  And those are just the examples that I've had time to put into writing in the last few months; there are so, so many ways that I’ve been hurt by them, individually and acting as a group.  They've expended so much effort manipulating me, gaslighting me, demeaning me, circumventing me, destroying me.  If they’d committed a tenth of that destructive energy to looking within themselves, well, wish in one hand, etc.

Here’s the voicemail I received,
“Vanci, I’m sorry we didn’t get to talk.  I know you haven’t been involved in my health problems over the last four years, but it’s looking like this could be my last Christmas.  I need to see the girls (pause) and you.  Please call me.”
If you are easily offended, please look away as I respond.
FUCK YOU!

Ahem.
Here’s what I heard,
“Vanci, I can’t believe you didn’t answer your phone again and the burden of effort is all on me.  You haven’t been around to help me with these ‘health problems’ because you’re a bad daughter and frankly you’re the cause of a lot of them.  So now I’m going to die, and I want to see MY granddaughters.  Oh, yeah, and you too.  You’d better call.  If I die, you'll be sooooorrrrryyyy!!!!!”
Here’s how I will respond:
"        "
(Crickets chirp.)
Nothing.  She gets nothing from me.

It would be great if I could type something about how she did the best she could with what she had, or that my childhood wasn’t that abusive or that she at least tried to respect me as a young adult or that things changed when I got older and she didn’t suck the life out of me anymore.  But that story starts with ‘Once upon a time…’ and ends with ‘happily ever after.’  And that’s as far from the truth of my life and my treatment at the hands of NM and ENF as far can be. 

She’s had four years to come clean, get honest, get help, reconnect, heal. 
In four years, she’s not done any of these things. 
But she might be dying (according to her voicemail,) so I suppose that’s as good an excuse as any to set aside all of those difficult things that she didn’t fix for herself and … put the burden back on me. 

After all, I was always such a good little peace-making carrier of sins.  I was a fantastic scapegoat.  Until I decided not to be anymore.  And after giving up THIRTY years of my life to be the sacrificial sin-bearer for the NFOO, I’ve paid more than I ever owed.
I won’t be carrying anything for them anymore.  Ever.  Again.   

I’m expecting retaliation for my continued non-response.  I can almost see the Parade of Minions lining up and getting ready to float down the street looking for me.
And guess what?  I know that NM’s recent wave of  pathetic attempts to guilt me into action have worked, just not quiiiiiiiiite in the way that she intended. 
She’s expecting me to jump up and do her bidding, give her what she wants.  Instead, those VM’s have sent me in another direction. 
I’m sharpening my sword of truth and ready for the attack that will inevitably come. 
No matter what or who it comes from, I’m ready.

She's reminded me of just how important it is for me to stand my ground.

These Crazymaking people of the NFOO are lying, cheating, abusive, horrific, mean, and downright nasty.  But I'm not worried, because I know exactly who they are these days, and more importantly, I know exactly who I am.  I'm a good person, I'm a kind person, I'm a strong person, I'm a kickass friend and mother and wife and worker and cook and writer and reader and listener.

I tell the truth and the truth is this: there is nothing that could happen, to me or to them or to anyone in the whole great world, that would spur me to reconnect with the horror that was my life within the NFOO.
Nothing.

That's what they'll get from me, and it's probably better than they deserve.

Love,
Vanci

The Healing Bell Curve

I remember what I felt when I declared my first real boundaries with the NFOO; relief.  I'd lived my life up to that point at their beck and call, conditioned to react to their actions, desires and wants and ever the doormat.  When I finally said 'enough,' it was the first time that I was able to take a significant action based on what I knew was right, regardless of their approval.

It was hard to draw that line, especially because it had been made clear to me for a very long time that my two choices were: 1. Go along with us to get along or 2. You'll be cast out.  But deep in the core of my soul I knew that it was right.  Finally listening to that internal voice of conscience - not to mention DH's external voice encouraging me to do the right thing  - was huge, and I felt very proud of my decision to limit contact and create safety within boundaries for my family and myself.

I've always been accommodating and kind.  My biggest failing in dealing with the NFOO in those early days was my natural assumption that other people are also accommodating and kind, at least to some degree.  It's funny when I look back now, how naive I was about how monumental the change I was making would be within the broken family system that the Nparents created and NSis and GCYB wholeheartedly supported.  To say that their reaction to my limiting access to my self and the DDs was violent would be an understatement.  I was proud to have finally stood up for us, and their reaction to that was to lose their damned minds.

As they attacked and attacked and attacked me, my self-pride was replaced by ever-growing fear.  Every time my phone rang it nearly sent me through the roof; my heart beat sped up, I began to hyperventilate, I stumbled in my speech, I became confused.  It occurs to me now, though it didn't then, to wonder in response to what type of people this physical reaction would be normal?

A burglar in the house.  A drunk driver on the road.  A madman with a knife.  A rapist in the darkened alley.  Yeah, all those.  And my mother, father, sister, brother and the minions.  Wow, it seems so clear in retrospect that I simply never should have had a relationship with any of these terror-inducing people.  But, at the time, it was what I knew.

So, even though I was terrified and ashamed and hurt and wounded, I was fortunate to have a couple of trusted advisers in my life who actually DID have my best interests at heart.  DH would say things like; you're doing the right thing, I'm right here with you, their actions are only proof of why we have to take these actions.  My therapist would say, "Vanci, the boundaries that you have set are NOT unreasonable, that they're choosing to violate them is proof of their dysfunction."

Somehow, no matter how confused I would become in the moment of full-on Narc Attacks, I was able to grasp the love, kindness and wisdom of the good people in my life and just hold on to those clear and reasonable boundaries I'd set.  And as the NFOO continued to step all over my limits, I began to make them clearer and tighter, until we reached the point of No Contact.

Even then, for a time, when the phone rang - even though I knew I wouldn't be answering it - I had a visceral reaction; sweaty, panicky, jumpy, scared.  When I spotted someone that I'd known from the 'old days' in a store or at a community event, I'd feel a strong urge to hide, and sometimes I did hide, or at least dial a friend on my cell phone to avoid conversation with anyone who wanted to tell me how awful they thought I'd been to my family.

It's taken a while, but I've started to realize that time has worked some miracles for me in the area of healing.  Doing the work is crucial, of course, taking initiative to be the best Vanci I can be and to never allow destructive forces like the NFOO to rule my life again is what has, metaphorically, spiritually, emotionally and physically, 'saved' me.  But, time is what I've found was necessary to remove those conditioned fear reactions.

When Uncle Minion called in April, it took me by surprise, sure.  It didn't wreck me, though.  When NM called the other day, I had a lesser fear reaction than I do when one of the DDs schools calls (my first thought is always that my daughter's been hurt, and I think that's a normal fear that all parents have.)  NM''s call and voicemail didn't even register on the Richter Scale, you know?

Today, I was at the supermarket with my youngest DD, picking up some things to make Christmas candy with and thoroughly enjoying ourselves, when an old family friend spotted me.  She had her sweet three month old granddaughter with her, so we ooh'd and aah'd over the kiddo as well as how grown up my youngest now is, and eventually the lady asked how my parents were.

Nothing happened to me, physically, and I gave the best honest answer I can, "I don't really know, we haven't actually talked in about four years."  Of course, this registered on the woman's face; whether it was shock or joy at scandalous information, I don't know and I don't care.  It doesn't matter.  If she'd pressed the matter, I'd have simply told her that as she is or was a friend of the Nparents, she should contact them if she'd like more information.  She didn't ask, I didn't feel the need to tell.  I had chocolate chips and candy canes to buy.

I started out proud and relieved.  I spent a lot of time in fear and terror.  And now?  They can't touch me, and not only can they not hurt me, but every time I have an interaction, every time I overcome another hurdle, I am a better and stronger person for it.  Today I showed my thirteen year old daughter how to handle an uncomfortable situation with dignity and honesty.

Time is a beautiful thing.

If you're embroiled in the first or middle part of the healing bell curve, stay strong and stay true; it WILL get better, eventually.  I'm so glad I was patient - there's peace at the end of the trajectory.

Love,
Vanci

Holding Boundaries

I was inspired by a recent post on Upsi's "You Don't Have to Dance for Them" blog to document my often-used process for making and keeping safe boundaries.  In the four years that I have been NC with my entire FOO, I've had to get very, very good at drawing, keeping and holding boundaries with them.  Apart from the pervasive Narc tendencies to push, then push, then push the Scapegoat some more, I also live in the same small town (about 7,000 people) that NM, EF, OS and YB and their anciliaries do.  With no geographical distance between us, my safe boundaries are part of the protection that I put on every morning before I go out into the world; keys? check, undies? check, boundaries? check.  I am in public most of the day and any one of my FOO Crazymakers can find me if they choose to at any time, so I keep my emotional tool belt stocked. 

My boundaries keep me safe and also give me the ability to know myself, even in the face of sudden direct or proxy attacks.  Should NM or one of her minions surface, internal knowledge of my safe, sane and reasonable boundaries is one of the tools that give me the immediate, intuitive knowledge of how to keep myself safe.  It's one of the ways that I know right away that I am being violated, disrespected and treated poorly and that I have every right to defend myself by choosing not to engage.

Having boundaries firmly in place allows me to say, calmly and with dignity, "As I've said, I have no interest in discussing this with you," and to head for an exit.

I'm a thinker and a system-designer in everything I do.  I see organizational layers where other people see messes, so it follows that I've condensed this very important part of my life (or my defense system, really) into a few bullet points.

When faced with a situation that screams for boundaries to be set, I ask myself these questions:

1. Is this a reasonable boundary?
Reasonable or unreasonable isn't an issue of how I feel about it, how comfortable I am with it or, in the early days, how I thought it would be received.  It's really a logistical question.  For example, my primary boundary with NM has been for some time, "I will only meet with you in the presence of a therapist(s)." 

NM's proven over and over again that without a third party observer present, she lapses into blaming me for her faults, gaslighting, revision of history and just plain makin' shit up.  It's unsafe and unproductive to even try to have a convo without a referee.  So, there must be a witness, and that's a reasonable request.  I use my therapist because it's one of the things I pay him for and he's a safe ally to me.  She's welcome to bring her therapist too, if she wants to make it more neutral.  Reasonable, right? 

It would be unreasonable of me to set this boundary if I didn't have a therapist available.  It would be unreasonable of me to say, "I will only meet with you on the sixtieth Tuesday of years in which the bluest lagoon on the planet has turned red."  If I find that I want to set an unreasonable boundary, I have to stop and consider that I'm not quite sure of my intentions.  If my intention is to make it difficult for NM to meet with me, then, really, I need to consider that my boundary should be something along the lines of, "I won't meet with you."  If my boundary is reasonable, I move on to number 2...

2.  Will I be able to maintain this boundary?

Clarity has been key for me in boundaries over and over again.  When dealing with a Narc, particularly the one who managed to get her claws into me when I was still pre-verbal, I've found that my first learned/instinctive reaction when I make a choice to 'defy' the Narc is one of confusion... followed by shame... followed by more confusion and self-doubt.  This is, after all, what I was hard-wired to do.  That's one of the reasons that it's so important for me to be clear - to make sure that I have at the ready a correct 're-learned' healthy response prepared ahead of time.  If I've been clear with myself that my boundary is reasonable, safe and that I deserve to have it respected, I don't fall back into my old patterns of acquiesence and acceptance of blame for defending myself like I used to. 

When I set a reasonable boundary that I fully undersand and can without a doubt stand behind, I am prepared for whatever the Narcs pull out of their crazy arsenal and throw at me. 
For example, using the above 'therapist-present' boundary, I can easily maintain it; it's clear, tangible, black-and-white.  Either NM makes an appointment to meet at the therapy office and we have a conversation, or we don't talk/meet/speak/write/etc.  An example of a non-maintainable boundary would be:
"I won't meet with you unless you're going to be nice/honest/kind/etc."
Those words are subjective, and pliable language is like modeling clay to a Narc; they can make it whatever they want it to be.  And they will, oh, yesssssss, they will.  And it will be my fault by the time they're done, so, if my boundary isn't clear enough to maintain, I have to go back to the drawing board and figure out how to provide more clarity.
If I find that my boundary is reasonable, clear and maintainable, I move on to 3...

3. Am I willing to accept the consequences of this boundary, no matter what they are and even if I don't like them?
Here's the thing about Narcs: they do absolutely what they want to do, regardless of the cost to others, period.  They blame, they shift, they manipulate, they lie, they dodge, they justify, they rationalize, they reinvent reality and they selectively listen and remember in order to suit their needs, wants and desires.  Trying to pin a Narc down with the truth or reality is like trying to staple jello to a tree.

So, when I've set a clear, maintainable and appropriate boundary, I've created safety and sanity for myself.  My Narcs don't want me to have safety or sanity; if they did, they wouldn't abuse me in the first place.  It is ALL, really, ALL about them.

When I don't give them what they want, the reaction is overwhelmingly, violently, huge.  HUGE.
To have a relationship with a narcissist, one must abide by the narc's rules, which are really quite simple: what the Narc says is the truth; what the Narc does is right; the Narc's needs are met first, middle and last; the Narc gets credit for the good; the Narc takes no responsibility for the bad.

Boundaries that deny the Narc any of those things (which really means any boundary at all, doesn't it?) are game-changers.  Narcs don't like that.  So they attack.

When I set the original 'therapist-present' boundary, NM told me that she wouldn't abide by it.  She couched this, of course, in her manipulative statement that "mothers never give up on their daugters," which really meant that she would contact me however the hell she pleased.  I told her that was unacceptable to me and that I wouldn't answer her calls or notes, but if that's what she wanted, she could have it.  I hung up the phone.
So she had OS call me.  She had EF call me.  She had YB text me.  Uncle emailed me.  NM had OS drop off 'presents' for my DD's at my place of employment.  I gave them to charity.  She mailed me a package (more presents for DD's) with no return address.  I mailed them back with a letter reiterating my boundaries and clearly stating, again, that they were absolutely non-negotiable.  She called me the next day 'to talk about it.'  I told her that if she wanted to talk, she could respect my boundaries and make an appointment with the therapists.  She told me that she couldn't do that because she was 'uncomfortable' with my therapist.  I told her that we wouldn't be talking then and hung up the phone.

After another few rounds with all the minions, I was stressed enough to declare the same boundary with all of them.  I didn't want to have to do that; I'd held out hope that I could have some kind of normal relationship with at least OS and YB, but NM took my line in the sand and declared war, using her other children and EF as her army.  I drew a line.  They chose. 

Is that what I wanted?  Not neccesarily, but I had to be prepared to accept the outcome of my right action.  If I'm not ready to handle the outcome regardless of what it is, well, I'm not yet ready to set the boundary and I need to reinforce my support.  In this case, I was ready and I defended myself and through that process, I learned a lot. 
Specifically, I learned that the people who care about me care about my boundaries; they care about me, my thoughts, my feelings, my heart, my soul and my spirit.  And they show me that they care by supporting me in keeping myself safe.  If I had doubts about who those people are, well, boundaries create a clearer picture of who's who, when they work. 

I've managed to stay safe and sane for a long time now using this process as one of my tools.  I hope it helps someone else, too.

Love,
Vanci