Thursday, December 8, 2011

It's A Bushwhack!

Tra la la, dum dee dum... I went about my day today.  It was crazy busy at work this morning with all sorts of, um, interesting goings on.  By interesting I mean, well, weird.  Full-moon-in-two-days-weird.  Nothing was wrong, but I was definitely up to my eyeballs in oddities that I know how to tackle but am presented with infrequently.  I was working up a metaphorical sweat (as my office has a steady year round temperature of about, oh, 61 degrees, there's never any actual sweat,) trying to accomplish a whole bunch of different things at once.

So, of course, my cell phone rang.
And, of course, the number display showed the phone number of the Crazymaker's Clan Compound.
Bugger.

I turned off the ringer - just as I would do with any other non-emergency call and I kept about my business.  I had a definite 'oh shite' moment, but a moment is truly and wholly all it was.  Like this:

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Done.

I was under a deadline for a particular task, so I got back to it and I didn't stop even when my phone beeped to alert me to a voicemail.  Eventually, a couple of hours later, I informed my colleagues that I was going to take a break by saying, "Well, my crazy family called during all that, so I'm going to go take a break and check my voicemail, put my hair up because it's driving me crazy and have a snack."

Of these three tasks, I can honestly say that the slice of homemade banana bread I was looking forward to was my top priority.  Really, shouldn't homemade banana bread always be a top priority?  Ten seconds in the microwave, a dab of butter... mmmmm.  Bliss.

At any rate, the VM was from NM.
"Hi Vanci.  It's mom.  I needed to tell you something, it's kind of important, so I'd really appreciate it if you'd call me back at your convenience."

My reaction?  I laughed my damn ass off.  I almost shot banana bread out of my nose.  I mean, really.  Really?  Really, really?  Who does that?  What are we, ten years old?  "Psst, I have something important to tell you, but not right now."  Lord.

I was processing, after I stopped guffawing in the break room, to see how I felt about this cryptic message when my agile brain made a sudden leap that I didn't expect.  I immediately thought of the movie Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?  There's a scene about two-thirds through the movie where two of the protagonists, Everett and Delmar, are hiding from the law in a movie theater in the middle of the day.  The movie stops, a whistle blows and an entire chain gang of convicts is marched into the theater in shackles where they proceed to take up many rows just a few back from Everett and Delmar in the otherwise empty theater.

Pete, the third main character who has been recently separated from the other two, happens to be in this chain gang.  Obviously, he was recaptured by the law - as opposed to being turned into a toad as Delmar had assumed.  Pete sees his buddies and leans forward to whisper as only John Turturro could:

"Do NOT!  Seek!  The treasure!!!!"

This, my friends, was the voice of sanity for me today.  Fittingly, it turns out that there really is no'treasure' in the movie, or at least not the type of treasure the boys really want, just as there would be none at the other end of any effort or journey I would make to return that phone call.

I can't remember if it's in the theater or later in the movie - when the boys show up at the 'treasure' location and find an ambush waiting for them, that one of the characters exclaims, "It's a bushwhack!"  But I knew right away that this is exactly that.

It's a bushwhack, an ambush, a sneak attack.  That voicemail was crafted to be nothing more than a big, shiny, fat, barbed and lethal hook.  I know this because I know the Narcs very, very well.  But even if I didn't, look at the logic:  if it was truly important information that I needed to know, why not just say it?  Why the drama?  The mystery?  The self-importance of 'you will call me or I will not tell you my secret?'

And do you know what the next step in my process was?  I don't care.  Whatever 'sort of important' information NM feels obliged to share with me, I simply do not care.  There is nothing, absolutely NOTHING, that I want from anyone in the NFOO, that I'm willing to give to anyone in the NFOO.  Nothing they can say or do in any way affects or effects my life.

The only news, honestly, that I could receive that would change my day would be that one of them has passed away.  And, to be truly honest, even if it sounds ugly, I am fairly certain that the effect this news would have would be relief.

Short of that, if NM has discovered some new disease on the internet that she can self-diagnose with, I don't care.  If a family pet died, I don't care.  If there's a recently discovered hereditary predisposition to random spontaneous combustion, I don't care.  If GCYB was abducted by aliens, I don't care.  If a long lost relative that I wasn't aware of just left me a million dollars in his will, I don't care.

So, do not seek the treasure.  Why?  Cause that way lies madness, dissatisfaction, harm, foul play, evil people and ultimately, nothing but a worm on a shiny hook.  The good guys just don't lay in wait in the bushes prepared to, well, whack their victim.

I won't be returning this or any calls.  There's no treasure there anyway.

Love,
Vanci

7 comments:

  1. Well, said, Vanci! It is so hard, sometimes, to not take that bait... makes me feel like Pavlov's dog. But I am learning.

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  2. Vanci, You're my hero. :). A Bushwack...just another whacked out attempt to get you back within the FOObounds.

    I am going to carry the image of you laughing so hard that banana bread almost came out your nose with me all day today! It's such a worthy response to the VM you received.

    Big hugs,
    C2

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  3. Oh, such a CLASSIC, Vanci! These "mysterious" calls, VMs etc. are exactly as you described: "A big shiny hook...." Somehow the 'important' or 'emergency' situation they allude to is never revealed cuz surprise-there isn't any!
    The almost continual messages of this sort I received post NC reinforced just how wacked these people really are......not to mention how truly foolish their attempts to keep us in the drama loop appear. Their agenda to live life like it's one never ending soap opera starring "MEEEEEE!" is enough to ensure you won't go back for more.
    (Ditto on the banana bread and BUTTER. Not that fake stuff!)

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  4. So glad you didn't fall for that BS! I find myself getting a good chuckle about their tactics too, Vanci. So damn predictable!

    My last emergency call from NF: "Your mum has been RUSHED to the hospital and they're doing all these tests."

    Me, instead of jumping on my white horse and rushing down there (OK, Honda CRV): "Give me a call when the tests come back."

    Truth: They called a CAB and went to emergency. The old girl was "diagnosed" with indigestion!

    At the moment they are respecting my boundary, which is contact me in writing (they don't have a computer)but I wouldn't return calls even if they tried it. They have the GC 15 minutes away and I figure he can attend to their needs.

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  5. I love this post!

    "If there's a recently discovered hereditary predisposition to random spontaneous combustion, I don't care" made me laugh out so loud that my very young kids followed suit.

    You rock!

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  6. My parents pull these "it's important, call us" messages all the time too. Unfortunately for me, this time my grandmother actually did die and I am headed to the funeral tomorrow, meaning I will be seeing my family. Ugh.

    I'm so glad you have figured out how to deal with these string-pulling tactics. And I understand what you mean when you wrote that to some degree, a death of one of these manipulative people would be a relief more than anything else.

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  7. Judy,
    You are so right; it is hard not to take the bait. But, each time I haven't, it's become easier not to the next time. These days I feel like I'm ringing my own bell. :) I guess if they could train us so well to their evil purposes, we can retrain ourselves to healthier ones too!

    C2,
    Funny that I'm your hero, cause you're mine too! I like the idea that laughter is a worthy response to the N's manipulations. Sort of like the counter spell to a boggart in Harry Potter: RIDIKULUS! Tee hee.

    Anon,
    It occurs to me that I already know what NM's 'sort of important' message is: Vanci, I'm just not getting what I want out of you. No matter the words she'd use, I've no doubt that's what they'd mean! Yay for banana bread! Yay for real butter too!

    mulderfan,
    I'm glad I didn't fall for it too, though I certainly have before and will chalk those up as learning experiences and forgive myself. As both my NSis and GCYB (and their families)live in the Nparents' house, I've no doubt that they'll find a way to muddle through whatever emergency or 'sort of important' mess they've gotten themselves into. Perhaps the emergency is; "Hey people, we've got a bad situation and no scapegoat to blame it on!" LOL.

    Pronoia Agape,
    Laughter sometimes is the best medicine, isn't it? Especially the laughter of small children with a healthy mommy!

    vicariousrising,
    I'm so sorry to hear of your grandmother's passing and even more sorry that you'll have to deal with inevitable BS at her funeral. I'll be thinking of you and hoping for the best in a stressful situation. Many hugs.

    Love to you all,
    Vanci (who has no doubt that she will NOT spontaneously combust in her sleep tonight)

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