Not So Sweet Nothings

I received another call from NM today.  Although I’d hoped that my lack of response to her previous call would deter further attempts to contact me, I know from experience that my response or lack thereof is entirely incidental to her actions.  She’s going to do what she wants to do regardless of me: my actions, my thoughts, my feelings, my desires, my boundaries – what possible meaning do these trivial matters have to her when the world revolves around her, after all?
None.
Obviously.
I mean, read this blog of mine and you’ll come across a GOOD number of examples of exactly what NM, ENF, NSis, GCYB and all their ancillaries think of my boundaries: nothing.  They don’t care and haven’t ever cared what I say or do, as long as they get what they want.  When they stop getting what they want, the attack and stomp all over me and any boundaries that I’ve been brave enough to draw. 
They’ve left me largely alone for the last two and a half years because they couldn’t find any loopholes and really at the end of the day, I’m not worth the effort that it would take for them to adhere to my reasonable boundaries and tell the truth.  It saddens me that the GOOD number of examples to be found in the stories that I’ve posted here are a very small percentage of the violations they’re responsible for.  Just thinking of the myriad ways in which I’ve been ‘beat down, broke and used’ by them is overwhelming.  And those are just the examples that I've had time to put into writing in the last few months; there are so, so many ways that I’ve been hurt by them, individually and acting as a group.  They've expended so much effort manipulating me, gaslighting me, demeaning me, circumventing me, destroying me.  If they’d committed a tenth of that destructive energy to looking within themselves, well, wish in one hand, etc.

Here’s the voicemail I received,
“Vanci, I’m sorry we didn’t get to talk.  I know you haven’t been involved in my health problems over the last four years, but it’s looking like this could be my last Christmas.  I need to see the girls (pause) and you.  Please call me.”
If you are easily offended, please look away as I respond.
FUCK YOU!

Ahem.
Here’s what I heard,
“Vanci, I can’t believe you didn’t answer your phone again and the burden of effort is all on me.  You haven’t been around to help me with these ‘health problems’ because you’re a bad daughter and frankly you’re the cause of a lot of them.  So now I’m going to die, and I want to see MY granddaughters.  Oh, yeah, and you too.  You’d better call.  If I die, you'll be sooooorrrrryyyy!!!!!”
Here’s how I will respond:
"        "
(Crickets chirp.)
Nothing.  She gets nothing from me.

It would be great if I could type something about how she did the best she could with what she had, or that my childhood wasn’t that abusive or that she at least tried to respect me as a young adult or that things changed when I got older and she didn’t suck the life out of me anymore.  But that story starts with ‘Once upon a time…’ and ends with ‘happily ever after.’  And that’s as far from the truth of my life and my treatment at the hands of NM and ENF as far can be. 

She’s had four years to come clean, get honest, get help, reconnect, heal. 
In four years, she’s not done any of these things. 
But she might be dying (according to her voicemail,) so I suppose that’s as good an excuse as any to set aside all of those difficult things that she didn’t fix for herself and … put the burden back on me. 

After all, I was always such a good little peace-making carrier of sins.  I was a fantastic scapegoat.  Until I decided not to be anymore.  And after giving up THIRTY years of my life to be the sacrificial sin-bearer for the NFOO, I’ve paid more than I ever owed.
I won’t be carrying anything for them anymore.  Ever.  Again.   

I’m expecting retaliation for my continued non-response.  I can almost see the Parade of Minions lining up and getting ready to float down the street looking for me.
And guess what?  I know that NM’s recent wave of  pathetic attempts to guilt me into action have worked, just not quiiiiiiiiite in the way that she intended. 
She’s expecting me to jump up and do her bidding, give her what she wants.  Instead, those VM’s have sent me in another direction. 
I’m sharpening my sword of truth and ready for the attack that will inevitably come. 
No matter what or who it comes from, I’m ready.

She's reminded me of just how important it is for me to stand my ground.

These Crazymaking people of the NFOO are lying, cheating, abusive, horrific, mean, and downright nasty.  But I'm not worried, because I know exactly who they are these days, and more importantly, I know exactly who I am.  I'm a good person, I'm a kind person, I'm a strong person, I'm a kickass friend and mother and wife and worker and cook and writer and reader and listener.

I tell the truth and the truth is this: there is nothing that could happen, to me or to them or to anyone in the whole great world, that would spur me to reconnect with the horror that was my life within the NFOO.
Nothing.

That's what they'll get from me, and it's probably better than they deserve.

Love,
Vanci