Friday, November 30, 2012

Choosing Not to Play the Crooked Game

An old question asked of the washed-up cowboy who's lost all his coin in the saloon's game of cards as he laments that he knew the deck was stacked and he shouldn't have played:
"If you knew the game was crooked, hoss, why'd you play?"
To which the cowboy answers,

"Pardner, it was the only game in town."

I played my part in the NFOO Crazymaker game for thirty years; seventeen by the conscription of my minor status and thirteen more out of varying degrees of guilt, shame, obligation, fear and myriad other dark, compelling, binding chains of emotion.  Did I know it was crooked?  Did I know it was a fool's exercise as I ran and ran and ran myself to death on the giant hamster wheel of the parameters of my service to the needs, wants, desires and whims of the Clan's members?  Did I know that the end result, the payout, the promised reward of acceptance for my one and only self as a full-fledged member of the group was a hollow, rotten promise with less than zero chance of ever being fulfilled?

I can answer this completely honestly by saying: not usually.  I'm not sure that anyone with a normal background, that a non-abused or non-neglected person or non-ACoN person, could really understand that answer.  It seems that we either know something or we don't; that harm vs. non-harm is a rather black and white area with a firm dividing line down the middle.  At least it should be.

But for me, it's a complicated question.  I was well trained to doubt my own senses.  I was told from day one by master manipulators that what I thought was pain wasn't; that it was actually love.  That denying myself basic needs wasn't a bad thing; it was selfless giving and that my desire for reciprocation of that giving was nothing more than sinful and dirty selfishness.  That having expectations that I be treated with basic respect was wrong.  That my logical thoughts didn't really make any sense at all.  That what I said or heard or saw didn't actually happen, even when I knew it did, unless they said it did.

In a million different ways, they taught me that I was worthless, and that everything good about myself - anything that I could take even the slightest amount of pride in - would be used against me, over and over again, to cause me pain until I grew to hate those once good things about myself.

So, did I know the game was crooked?  No.  I just believed that I was crooked instead, just like I'd been told.

But I did find out, eventually.  I pushed back from the table, took the pittance of my wealth that was left and attempted to exit the game.  Shit got hairy then, let me tell you!

I persisted, though, because I had seen.  I knew.  Once I saw that they were dealing from the bottom of the deck and had aces stuffed up their sleeves, well, I couldn't unsee.  I couldn't unknow anymore.  So I had to fight my out, and I sustained some heavy injuries in the process, but I made it.

It wasn't until I'd gotten clear that I stopped to evaluate the people that I'd been sitting around that table with in the first place.  That's been an education.

I saw ENF most clearly first, as his crimes were the most dramatic, had that hint of flair that really made them stand out in memory.  Then I had to look at NM as she was the other complicit adult.  I looked deep enough to begin to understand that she was guilty of her own crimes as well, and though they were more under the radar and subtle than ENF's, they were just as if not more heinous.

The only people left to examine were my siblings; NSis, who is four years older than me and GCYB, two years my junior.  These were by far the hardest relationships for me to deconstruct.
They were my cohorts in childhood, my sometimes life-rafts in surviving the fucked up tsunami tidal wave of crazy (h/t Lisa) that was my 'family.'  We fought together in some of the same gunfights, you know?  We were comrades and friends and I thought that we would always have each other.

I remember saying, "They had to live through the same things that I did, so I think we have strong bonds and we'll find a way back to each other."  So I was a little bit naive.

I couldn't quite figure out where to put the sibling relationships for a long time, because I couldn't get past the fact that NSis and GCYB were victimized by the Nparents too.  I didn't want to compare our battle scars, afraid that my knowledge that I'd been the favorite whipping girl and scapegoat would be confirmed, but I knew that we'd been on the same side at the very least, right?  I kept getting stuck in the loop of knowing that they were abused too, and I didn't want to write them off because I just knew that if they could just see what I'd seen - if they could just know the truth - they'd be able to get out too.

It took a long time and a lot of hurt for me to understand that they weren't ever going to get out, that my notion that I'd blazed a trail that could be easily followed out of the dysfunction and that they'd follow just as soon as they could was false based on one idea and one idea only.

I slowly realized that they would never follow me out of the NFOO because they didn't want to leave the NFOO.  They have stayed within the drama-filled, hate-fueled crooked game in which the House will always take ALL because that is where they choose to be.  They're not like me.

I saw the truth.
I had to act.

They saw the truth.
They slammed the door on it and held a confab to determine who was to blame for letting the truth out of it's god-damned box in the first place.  (Guess who that was, come on, just guess.)  Then they set about trapping it and burying it again.

That's a fundamental difference, boys and girls, a philosophic deal breaker of epic proportions.

I used to wish that they could find their way out.
Now I understand that they see the exit plainly, but they're choosing to stay in the game.

If I live to be two hundred, I'm not going to understand it (anymore than I can understand how a normal drinker leaves half a beer on the table because it got warm or flat or why it's so hard to get sharks with little frickin' laser beams mounted on their heads or any other ridiculous thing.)  I do, however, understand that their choices are theirs and I am not responsible for either of those things.

I'm just glad that when I was presented with a choice, I chose to leave.

Love,
Vanci

PS: Thanks to all the bloggers out there who've been dealing with sibling issues and posting about them; your struggles always help me to define my own.


21 comments:

  1. I've recently realized I'm never going to be ok. I mean, I'm better than I was when in the crooked game, but there's no reversing this bullshit.

    This isn't meant to be discouraging. It's just being honest with myself about being broken and living with the scars.

    I'm so glad you posted this. I'm struggling with knowing how to deal with my siblings. I love them, but I've got nothing on the strength of our mother. The monster is too big and I'm too tired.

    But I still have hope.

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  2. Hi vi,
    I know what you mean.
    I have, however, come to the realization that - although I am scarred and will always be somewhat broken, I can change my definition of ok to meet my ability to be so. Maybe I am broken in some ways, but I'm stronger than strong in others - so the averages seem to be working out for me. LOL.
    Does that make any sense?

    I'm sorry that you're dealing with (still enmeshed?) siblings. Sigh. If only they could see.

    Love,
    Vanci

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And,
      Hope is a good thing.
      Hope is a good thing.
      Hope is a good thing.

      Love,
      Vanci

      Delete
  3. Sometimes, like in Mulder Fan's case or Jonsi's DH's case, the siblings SEE but they decide that the reward of the drama and the game is worth the cost. The percieved 'place at the table' is of utmost importance and so any price is paid.

    It makes me wonder about the person who actually wrote 'The Emperor's New Clothes' - what was the real story behind the metaphor? Because, I'll betcha it was seeing a narc without it's mask. It just fits too well. (I just looked it up and the Wiki answer is freaking complicated and does not serve my story, lol, so PRETEND I AM RIGHT)

    Being one of those who had an 'ignoring' type of NP - I find myself thinking I'm lucky to have had this rather than the 'enmeshed smothering' type. Being abandoned in childhood is horrifying, but there was (in hindsight) a sort of freedom in it. You that were forced to live in an illusion and fog have a much more terrible burden.

    I HATE THOSE FUCKING NARCS.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gladys,
      It's funny that you say you might be lucky to have had an ignoring type; I often feel that I'm lucky to have had the abusive type as it's easier to explain to people that they were physically or sexually abusive than it is to explain that I never existed.

      I think that the burden of being hurt as a child by our parents, of being so damaged that we are here this many years later talking about it, is just as heavy as the weight of the world.

      I hate them too; what they do and how they do it and who the are.

      But I love you. :)

      Love,
      Vanci

      Delete
  4. Your story has so many parallels with mine, I find it kinda creepy. My older brother was an ally but when he escaped he left me behind and never looked back. Then, he went on to parent his girls in such a way he made NF look like a saint. My younger brother, as you all know, was my staunchest ally and supporter just a few short years ago. When he turned, like an alcoholic who goes back out, he slid back down into the darkness at an alarming rate. At least he relieved me of another one of my fantasies; the belief that one day we reconcile.

    We didn't know any other game existed anywhere in the world because they made sure we thought THEY were normal and WE were the fuck-ups. Worked like a charm! I still tell people I'm a fuck-up and thanks to my NPs, I'm probably right!

    Just glad some of us made it out!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. mulderfan,
      We do have a lot of commons, don't we? :)
      I'm not a fuck up. I might be fucked up, though.

      I'm glad we made it out, too.

      Love,
      Vanci

      Delete
  5. They say don't hate the player hate the game. But if no one played, there would be no game.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Q,
      LOL.
      I don't hate the players, until they choose to sacrifice other's to keep their own stakes high. I do hate the game. But the narcs are the ones who invented the game; they're the house, baby, and I hate the house with all my scarred little heart.

      Love,
      Vanci

      Delete
    2. The house still needs an opposing force Vanci.
      Vegas wouldn't have become Vegas but for the idiots that continue to throw their money down that bottomless pit.

      Delete
  6. q1605 hit that spot on! The players who continue the game are getting too much of what they want out of it to stop. Looking at the Ns I know, the game they play is always about them feeling better about themselves, feeling justified, feeling superior... It's a lot about feeling superior to someone else... They don't recognize how deep in garbage they are. It's astonishing to watch Ns struggle with someone who stays in the game but refuses to play. That would be me, now. I'm still living with them, but I refuse to respond as expected. I'm discovering I really can go pretty much no contact under the same roof... I don't engage. They don't know what to do when you simply don't engage. Like vicariousrising, I think there are parts of me that are mutilated beyond repair. I'm learning to live with who I am now and trying to learn to love the broken parts of me anyway.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Judy,
      Good for you!
      There's no way that I could have stayed in 'the game.' But I'm glad that you're finding some peace.

      Learning to live with the broken parts is a great goal to have, I think. :)

      Love,
      Vanci

      Delete
    2. Vanci, I nominated you for a Liebster Award.

      Delete
  7. I can really relate to this post, it is great to hear "the Game" articulated and explained in a understandable way. Growing up i could never explain what my N parents were doing. But now i know better. And in the end it is just a sick perverted game the MN's play. I tolerated the game for so long, but the straw that finally broke the camels back and made me go nc was when as an adult aware of Malignant Narcs i saw my parents continually trying to destroy my siblings. Even though we survived our 18 years or so with them as minors and got away, all of us moved to different states, they are still destroying. I look at my siblings faces and i see people who have been abused, while the dealer of the game gets all the winnings. The MN mother gets to be the victim, and get her superiority and wierd kicks out of making adult children play the game. It makes me soooo angry. And i still see my adult siblings holding on to a shred of hope, that hope that just mabye their parent will really love them. I am really worried that it might destroy some of them. i am reaching out to them trying to explain the toxic evilness. And trying to explain in the end my parents dont really care its just the Crooked fucking game.I think its the true malignants u have to really watch out for, they are envious destroyers that happily destroy and make people crazy. I hope my siblings see the truth, i hope with all my heart they survive. it kills me to see them in pain. they do have some joy in their lives and there is hope,(one of them is no contact) but surviving the crooked game has left them scarred. Vanci- u explained very well how the narcs teach their children self doubt, "in a million different ways", playing you to doubt your true self. To deny yourself and your needs cuz it all about them!!! Those sick Mother fuckers. So glad i see them 4 what they are!!!!
    Muchas Gracias

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    Replies
    1. MG,
      I'm glad that my experience can shed some light. My adult siblings completely revolted against and turned on me when I began to speak the truth. I hope that you are safeguarding against a potential backlash. It is so hard to see the people that we love joining the dark side or refusing to see or refusing to act. I hope you don't have to go through that.

      Love,
      Vanci

      Delete
  8. You wrote: "I was well trained to doubt my own senses. I was told from day one by master manipulators that what I thought was pain wasn't; that it was actually love. That denying myself basic needs wasn't a bad thing; it was selfless giving and that my desire for reciprocation of that giving was nothing more than sinful and dirty selfishness. That having expectations that I be treated with basic respect was wrong. That my logical thoughts didn't really make any sense at all. That what I said or heard or saw didn't actually happen, even when I knew it did, unless they said it did.

    In a million different ways, they taught me that I was worthless, and that everything good about myself - anything that I could take even the slightest amount of pride in - would be used against me, over and over again, to cause me pain until I grew to hate those once good things about myself."

    Indeed. This, exactly.
    --LuLoo

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  9. Vanci, you are right, i need to safegaurd myself in this situation. I know this is going to be painful no matter what.It is so hard to watch people you love make dangerous and heartbreaking choices. It makes me realise how destructive my narc parents are to my own well being and there is that spiderweb triangulation effect that draws you in.There is only so much i can do to help my siblings. I feel like i am fighting for my own survival and sometimes it is exausting and overwhelming. Having narc parents is a challenge only Acons can understand. MG

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  10. Thanks for writing this Vanci. It is so complicated with siblings, as it is easy to "see yourselves on the same side". I'm kind of coming to compare it to being prisoners of war together. When you are trapped in the hands of the enemy, you are on the same side. You fight together, live together, wallow together. And lots of things are overlooked in order to survive. But when you escape, and move out into the real world, you actually have to look at each other for who you are. And my sister would rather stay locked in the cage, than escape.

    "That denying myself basic needs wasn't a bad thing; it was selfless giving and that my desire for reciprocation of that giving was nothing more than sinful and dirty selfishness." This is something I'm still struggling with. Being OK with putting myself first at times. And not feeling extremely selfish and bad if I am not self sacrificing all of the time.

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  11. My counselor once asked me if a fish knew it was wet. I didn't know for years what the game was, my memories were almost non-existent. My sister knew long before I did. She tried to get me to see, I resisted. It took a counselor several years to get me to finally grasp what was happening and continue to happen. I am glad my sister held on to me. We now go walking often and compare notes and understanding. Like you said when you go through it together it gives a certain type of understanding if both of you are willing to face the truth and opt out. I love the image she sent me of two gingerbread girls helping each other out of the cookie jar.

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  12. I never had an ally in my siblings. They were older, and I was any easy target for them. Of course NM never corrected them, or stopped them, or protected me. NM would throw up her hands in true victim fashion, burst into tears, and wail, "I wish you would all just get along!" Or she would blame me with, "If you wouldn't let it get to you, she wouldn't get such a kick out of doing it." I was the youngest, so I had the least comprehension of the dynamic I was born into and caught up in.

    ReplyDelete