Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Battle Hardened and Attack Ready

I'm not a big believer in the pursuit of Why, particularly when it comes to the why of the way that Narcissists behave. I used to be. I used to be on an a quest to understand their actions, to comprehend their logic, to break all of the assaults and behaviors and manipulations down into little bite size pieces with explanation, coat them with the sweet sauce of exposition and make them more palatable for me to chew up and swallow.

I spent scads of time on this journey to understand. I wrote checks in an attempt to purchase relevance. I thinked and thought and thunk some more in my efforts to figure it and them out. The only answer I received had more to do with acceptance of their natures than understanding of their motivations; they do what they do cause they do it. But that was a different post.

In my failed Quest to understand the Holy Grail of Why They Do the Evils They Do, though, I did learn a lot. Most of what I learned concerned the How of their actions.

ACoNs are trained from day one to NotSee and to UnSee. We know the truth of most situations, in my experience, as we are generally intuitive, observant and highly attuned to the gestures and actions of those around us. These attributes are often keys to our survival. We know what's really happening, but we are forced by our Nfamily to carry those truths silently within ourselves and to keep mum. We know the truth of the evil deeds, but we are trained to protect the perpetrators from their own actions with lies. Then, in the ironic twist that is inherent to life with Narcs, we are blamed for their evil actions in the first place.

It's the definition of CrazyMaking. How does a child survive this paradox? We learn to UnSee, at least to the best of our abilities. Of course, it makes us sick and causes us great pain, but we become masters of denial.

So, when we try to get better, when we begin to walk a path we hope will bring us to healing, we often are surprised by the outright heinous, forcefully aggressive assaults that the Narcs begin to hit us with. We've been ingesting their lies for so long, making up our own lies to protect ourselves for so long that invariably at some point we began to believe them.

I remember telling myself that surely it couldn't have been as bad as I felt. They probably didn't mean it that way. I was being overly sensitive. I wasn't perfect either, and maybe I was being too hard on them.

No wonder I couldn't be honest enough to see their attacks for the declarations of war that they were; I couldn't even be honest with myself about the facts of the abuse I'd suffered at their hands. I was stripped to the bone emotionally and had no capability to understand my own actions, no less someone else's. Throw Narcissism in the mix and all bets of comprehension were off. It was all I could do to even cope.

In retrospect, though, I can see a clear pattern of escalation from the very first boundary that I drew with the N's to the final storming of the beach that resulted in No Contact.

In the movie Casino, Joe Pesci plays strongman Nicky Santoro, protector to casino veep Ace. His portrayal of the character is terrifying partly, I think, because Joe Pesci's what, five feet tall? Regardless of his small stature, no matter what he looks like or what he seems to be, though, he's a vicious, brutal killer. This is how Ace (Robert DeNiro) describes Nicky.

"You beat Nicky with fists, he comes back with a bat. You beat him with a knife, he comes back with a gun. And you beat him with a gun, you better kill him, because he'll keep comin' back and back until one of you is dead."

Set aside reason, forget about reasonableness. This is how Narc's against the wall of a boundary communicate; with an ever evolving and escalating series of attacks. Civil tools aren't going to get them to back off.

You want them to stop calling you to scream at you? They're going to call you to scream AND they're going to get someone else to call you to scream at you too. You ask them to stay away from your children? They contact those children in every way they can think of, even moreso than they've ever shown any desire to talk to them before. You change your number? They show up at your house. You call the police when they show up at your house? They show up at your work. You ask them to leave? They call your customer service hotline to complain about how you treated them while pretending to be a non-involved customer. You manage to find a way to cut them out of your life completely? They stalk you and find out who your non-involved friends are, make nice with them and try to turn them against you. You lock your doors? They peer through your windows. You move on? They hunt you down.


They do not stop. Ever.


They can go into a cycle of dismissiveness, sure. They'll move on at points, find new victims, stay away for awhile if they can find other sources of Narc Supply. Junkies can usually find a new supplier, you know (but that doesn't mean that they forget their favorite drug.) Mine did, and there have been times when I've been lulled into the deceptive calm; into believing that silence is equivalent to serenity and that maybe they've just given up, gotten over it, moved on. This isn't truth, though.

They are fully capable of changing their game, developing different tactics and strategies, and they're good at it. (This, more than anything else that I know of, speaks volumes about them. If they are capable of changing the way that they come at me to hurt me, then they are absolutely capable of changing the fact that they are hurting me. Simple math then makes it easy to deduce that the capability to change is there; willingness to do so is what's missing on their part.) I've made it hard for them to get to me, and this creates some space because they aren't willing to work that hard, at least not today. They're getting their fix somewhere else, you see, so right now at this very moment, I get a pass.

But I'm not off the hook from their attacks. I'm back-burnered, that's all. Sooner or later, I've no doubt, there will be a trigger (my money's on my oldest DD turning 18 in a couple of years) and then they will be back in force (probably coming at my daughters rather than me; predators always go for what they see as the easiest prey first.) We say in alcoholic recovery that the disease of alcoholism doesn't go away when we stop drinking, it just hangs out behind our backs doing push-ups and getting stronger, waiting for an opening to slither back into an active status. So too, I believe, are the Narcs lurking in the shadows out there, just thinkin' shit up.

I'm not a paranoid conspiracy theorist. I don't sit around detailing or stressing about the ways that they're planning to get me. I just don't ignore the truth anymore.

Almost two years ago, the DD's let me know that NSis and GCYB had been trying to contact the DD's via social networking. This was almost three years since the last time I'd spoken to either NSis or GCYB. We're talking absolute radio silence, not a phone call, a letter, nothing, nada, zilch. The DD's have always had private profiles, but we took the additional steps to systemically block NSis and GCYB (and the minions that I know of) from the DD's profiles. And I started checking NSis and GCYB's profiles once a month from a dummy profile. I didn't really want to know what was going on in their lives, but I know them pretty well. They've rewritten history to the point now that they really believe that I'm the bad guy, the catalyst of their unease and destruction. This works to my advantage in a way, because they're not careful, they stand so firmly on their false moral superiority that they don't particularly watch what they say.

I'd lay dollars to doughnuts that if they did succeed in getting a response from the DD's or making a connection somehow, they'd be crowing their success from the mountaintops. So, once a month, I check and see what kind of shit they're flinging on their cyber walls.

Two years ago just after Thanksgiving, NSis posted a whole bunch of pictures of the "family" as it exists today all dressed up and posed by the Christmas tree. And the title of one of those Norman Rockwell portraits of traditional family bliss: "FUCK YOU VANCI." Of course she used my real name.


After NM's drug induced and mismanaged near death stay at the hospital in April of last year, NSis posted a comment about how "all the family is here with us now." Then she followed it up with a clarification, "Well, all the good family." Then yet another clarification, "I didn't mean any of the extended family in [another state], just Vanci."

So, no. I'm not off the radar. The guns might be pointed in a different direction momentarily, but they didn't lose my coordinates, not by a long shot. So they'll come at me or they won't when they feel like it, and they'll escalate as they see fit. They never took my opinion or feelings into account in the first place, even when I was the glue that held their lives together, their indentured servant who spoke to each and every one of them every day. They're sure as fuck not going to take my boundaries or wishes into account now.

Just like Nicky Santoro, they'll keep coming at me, one way or another.

That's dark, isn't it? Frightening, even.

But guess what?

They can't touch me.

I've done the work to break the cycle, and there isn't a single person on the face of the planet that I care about who doesn't know exactly who the Narcs in my NFOO are, and exactly what they do. There also isn't a single soul I care about who doesn't know exactly who I am, what I've been through and what I stand for. They may have rewritten history in their minds, but I've got the facts, the proof and witnesses galore of what and who they really are, what it really is and who I really am.

I have truth on my side, and I stand ready for anything they can throw.

Come at me, bros.

And we'll just see who ends up in the (metaphorical) hole in the desert.

Love,
Vanci

31 comments:

  1. Woo-hoo, Vanci! Sounding so strong! The lengths to which they've gone to pursue you are incredible!

    I'm imagining them in the (metaphorical) hole in the desert - the one they dug and keep burying themselves in.

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    1. Hi PA!
      Thank you!
      It's so strange, because I was writing just the other day about how they've dismissed me... and writing this helped me to realize exactly what that dismissal is: temporary.

      Yeah, they can spend as much time as they like out there digging holes, but they'll never put me in one.

      Love,
      Vanci

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  2. That is so disgusting, that your Nsis would plainly send you a fuck you photo and the following passive-aggressive shit!
    What is wrong with these people? Why are they so incapable of self-reflection, an attribute that was forced on us to 'be wrong'.
    As the daughter if a woman who's mother is an N, it's so very hard to understand the pulling and mistake it for genuine love.
    My mother let us learn the hard way, though I think that suited her situation more than trying to let us reach out etc. I envy and completely respect your protectiveness for you daughter/s. I truly hope they don't bother. I know from experience that in itself is so hurtful, but the experience was damaging.
    I do have a question though. If you were excluded from your daughter and her children's lives and didn't want that, what would you do? I only ask because I'm trying to set some boundaries where, when I do have kids, I can protect them and not have them accept the conditioning I've been taught. I want to know I what, I guess, will be acceptable proof of ACTUAL love toward me and mine if I cut off the contact I can cope with, but would NOT want for my kids to learn to cope with.

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    1. Hi DM,
      Yeah, it's pretty disgusting alright.

      I'm not sure I understand your question. Are you asking what I would do if my DD's asked me for space or limited contact with me?

      Love,
      Vanci

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    2. Sort of yeah. I believe you'd respect the boundaries. What I really want to know though, is if that occurred, how (after dealing with it appropriately, and understanding and deciding to break the NC to have a relationship) how you would, imagine or suggest, going about that.
      The thing with me is, I want to set my boundaries, but don't want to become incapable of seeing the change or too accepting of the excuses and lies for my benefit. I sort of want to hear a healthy take on that; it's not something I can say I've witnessed.

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    3. DM,
      Setting boudnaries is a process for me, one that I've detailed in this post of mine from August 2011: http://notmyrock.blogspot.com/2011/08/holding-boundaries.html

      In my experience, Narcs don't change. Ever. Regardless of boundaries, no matter the circumstances, no matter how much I would like for them to. But, it's also been my experience that a great way to test them to see if they are changing is simply to see if they respect whatever boundaries you've established. People who are willing to change and capable of change react to a boundary from another person with at least SOME degree of personal responsibility for the actions that precipitated the need for a boundary. Narcs don't; narcs react by defending themselves and attempting to manipulate. So that's a pretty good litmus test, I think. A narc will usually make it clear exactly how much they've 'changed' when we stop giving them exactly what they think they deserve, which is everything.

      As to my DD's, if they set boundaries with me (which they already do, mind you, as they're teenagers and capable of doing so, thank goodness) I would like to believe that I will continue to do what I already do, which is to respect their boundary and make myself available for open conversation about what it is that my children need from me. And I have NEVER seen a Narc do that.

      Love,
      Vanci

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  3. "Fuck you Vanci"

    Well. That's a great way to get DD's to like them.

    It's so funny, Fancy McVanci, I think you've mentioned a couple of times now about how you've stopped asking "why" when it comes to narcissists. And asking why is my favorite thing to do! I'm still doing it. I see it as the cornerstone of my whole operation, I suppose. But maybe part of letting go, for me, will eventually mean I have stop asking that question. (Damn. I'm so big on the understanding thing). But I don't think there will ever truly be any real understanding because I'm not a narc and my brain just doesn't function the way theirs do.

    Thanks for making this point, "They can go into a cycle of dismissiveness, sure. They'll move on at points, find new victims, stay away for awhile if they can find other sources of Narc Supply. Junkies can usually find a new supplier, you know (but that doesn't mean that they forget their favorite drug.)" And "They do not stop ever."

    Ever see the movie Big Trouble In Little China? (Love that movie.) Yesterday, I found myself laughing hysterically when I was talking to DH and I said about his father, "I don't think he's gonna stop." If you've ever seen the movie, you'd definitely get why that's funny. And it's so true. Narcs don't stop...until they blow up. It would be kind of cool if that was literal.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKQKE0JfXtA&playnext=1&list=PLE4C40584B51CCDD2&feature=results_video

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    1. Jonsi,
      Morning, chicklet. Why's a funny thing, isn't it? It's a question that can be asked with a lot of different contexts and motivation. I'm not sure how it works for you as someone who grew up with love and support of your search for understanding, but I know that for me, why's a trap. I get stuck in that endless repeating loop of asking why as a function of my wanting to fix it. More accurately; I get stuck in the loop of the responsibility to fix it that was handed to me.

      Interesting ponderings on perspective, though: I don't usually hear you asking why. I hear you asking 'how does this work' and 'what is this really' a lot, but usually not 'why are they like this.' Maybe I'm not listening very well.

      I'm going to have to think about that some more. Hmmmmmmm. :)

      I have seen that movie, but I don't remember the part and can't access Youtube from this computer. I'll check it out tonight.

      Love,
      Vanci

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    2. For me, I had a scary realization the other day when I saw NM for who she really was. And that realization is that their is no "why" for crazy. It just is. I can't ever understand what goes through their fucking heads because I don't even think THEY understand it. Sure, I think they make fully conscious decisions about their behavior. But I think that they live in such a warped form of reality that their why is completely warped too.
      I think it's good to get down the basic patterns and try to understand some of what it looks like (so you know what you are looking for) but in the end, there is no why answer. I think like Vanci said, gathering up a good defense system (learning about yourself, building your self up, creating a little fortress) are the best think you can do.

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  4. Giving up on "Why?" was a huge step in the healing process for me.

    This post is kinda creepy in it's timing. My anonymous student has continued to escalate and, using family names, is now threatening to out my blog to my NPs. Those closest to me are now convinced "Anonymous Student" is my younger brother, the NGC.

    If it is, he's doing exactly what you've described and is determined to destroy my new found peace.

    "They do not stop ever." Fuck 'em!

    BTW My NF is 5' 4"...I'm taller than him!

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    1. Mulderfan - jayzhus. That sounds precisly like something a narc would do, huh? What a horrible thing.

      Can I ask - what would the absolute worst thing be about your NPs reading your blog? I am not asking facetiously. I'm wondering what is the threat that NGC is using... you would think he would LOVE having the NPs to himself.

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    2. Gladys, the NPs already don't speak to me and tell folks I'm crazy. The NGC would LOVE having their MONEY to himself!

      A lawsuit would be tough because I don't name names.

      There was an initial "holy shit" which has now been replaced with a yawn but, last night I spent a bit of time worrying about hurting the NPs' feelings! The conditioning still creeps up and kicks me in the ass now and then!

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    3. OMG mulderfan, this is scary... I'm so sorry.

      Your peace is yours. And it is cannot be taken away. You are strong. The conditioning can creep up sometimes, but I think you are "cured" from your NPs' poison.

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    4. mulderfan,
      I'm sorry that whole situation is escalating. But do you know what I know? I know that you're one tough chic, and that you will come out of whatever this shitstorm is with grace, style and all the awesomeness that is mulderfan intact.

      They can't touch you either, can they?
      It's always interesting to me when I get to test out those intellectual boundaries and theories that I've developed in a real life situation. The only yard stick we have to measure up to is our own. Recognizing that your gut reactions or knee-jerks are just conditioning in disguise is a HUGE mark of progress. I'm so proud of you, and completely agree that the only appropriate response is, "Fuck em!"

      Love,
      Vanci

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    5. MF, I also wondered if the AS(S) was someone that had a lot more at stake than proving his point. They seemed way too relentless. I'm sorry that they are tormenting you.

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    6. Let's say the AS did out you to your NPs. For them to recognize themselves, and you, they would have to admit that the stories on your blog are true. Right?

      I wonder if they would really do that. They certainly couldn't tell outsiders about all this. It would be too nutty to claim that they know it's you, making up lies about them, without saying HOW they know. And what would they say to YOU about it?

      The consequences might not be so bad. You could probably just deny the whole thing.

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    7. I'm full on NC and certainly won't be breaking it to JADE...justify, argue, defend, explain.

      Fuck 'em!

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  5. WHY - I think we ask that, maybe in part, to see if there is some way we could FIX things. Because our brains DON'T work like theirs, and we are empathetic and fixers and we would sincerely like to have the fighting and bullshit stop at some point. And if we can HELP, we would.

    We all know that isn't possible, I know it. But to wrap our minds around the fact that they do it BECAUSE THEY CAN, because they get a charge out of it, because it is sacred food to them - that boggles. Just boggles.

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    1. Gladys,
      Agreed. We are fixers, either by nature or 'nurture', but fixers nonetheless. Like I said to Jonsi above, why is only a trap for me.

      Ultimately I've had to accept that they are what they are and I'll never know why they are the way they are; only that I don't have be there with them.

      I don't like it, but I accept it.

      Love,
      Vanci

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  6. Vanci, reading these posts makes me so fucking grateful my EF and NM are dead. Because my NM did all the stuff your family did. But she REALLY can't get to me now.

    Bea

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    1. Bea - I KNOW. I know how you feel - mine is dead and my NM has one foot in the grave. I sometimes feel guilty, out here, for having this freedom that the others wont get until that blessed event happens for them. It is so anti-human-programming to feel so GOOD when someone dies.

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    2. Bea,
      It's funny that you say that, because I've been working on a post talking about just that: the gratitude that I will feel when they die (and the guilt that I think I'm supposed to feel but really don't.)

      Their death, I think, is the only way that their tactics will stop. But, even as I say that I realize that they've already trained their replacements in NSis and GCYB.

      So fucking twisted.

      Love,
      Vanci

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  7. Yk, I really do wish some info had been available when I was going through this but there was NOTHING, nada, no internet, self-help stuff or anyone to really talk to about it. I believe it would have at least made the journey a bit less difficult at least in terms of not feeling so alone-and later with DH, who didn't get a lot of details from me. Psychob through her behavior demonstrated in spectacular fashion how dangerous she was and that was plenty for him. Information would have given me at least a framework in which to think or conceptualize what the deal was with her.
    Nonetheless, there comes a time when the "Fact-Finding Mission" would have had to stop in any event and I had to take steps behaviorally to protect myself and family-to the extent possible. Yes, I could be "back-burnered" for awhile, but Psychob was such a terrorist, I knew it was simply a matter of time until there was another Psychob "Eruption." Still, my NC decision was absolutely the best, most life affirming and transformative event of my adult life (as well as my marriage to DH.) I recognize each one of us are unique human beings with a unique set of circumstances and there is no "One Size Fits All" for each one of us.
    The only aspect of NC I would have changed was the paper trail-more the "mechanics" from a Legal POV than the decision itself: I could have saved myself/family a great deal of BS if I had gotten some legal advice from the get. Other than that, I wouldn't change a thing-besides doing it a lot sooner than I did! ;)
    I'd rather deal with periodic "Eruptions" than crazy/dangerous/destructive than the day-in/day-out that resulted from attempting to maintain a "relationship" that wasn't and wasn't gonna be regardless of my efforts. 18 yrs. of MN Psychob post NC scorched earth WAR taught me I was not only correct in my assessment but ensured there was no guilt, no second-thoughts, no looking back or ever GOING "Back There."
    And that I was a whole lot tougher than even I knew.
    TW

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    1. TW,
      I hear what you're sayin! Even in the last few years, I've found that there is so much more information out there each day about this crap.

      I also only regret not having declared NC sooner, and have learned through the process that I am much stronger than I ever thought I could be.

      Love,
      Vanci

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  8. "Quest to understand the Holy Grail of Why They Do the Evils They Do"

    I'm still giggling :)

    You are not paranoid, you just grew up with narcs. And they have clearly underestimated you. :)

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    1. Scatha,
      Giggles are powerful. :)
      And yeah, they've totally underestimated the strength that I had to develop in order to survive them. Like I said, come at me. We'll just see who walks away.

      Always glad to hear from you Scatha.

      Love,
      Vanci

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  9. Damn, so I really can't ever let my guard down?

    I'm just plain flummoxed at these people. I'm not even at "why" except to say "why do so many nice people have to carry this load?"

    I want to swing a sword and lop some narc heads.

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    1. vi,
      Well, witness protection maybe?
      Flummoxed is a great word; baffled, too. I don't know why they do it, why it was us, why we have to carry it.
      But I know they never get to to do it to me again, and that I will never quit flapping my ever-loving mouth about it. Knowledge, knowledge, knowledge!

      Yep, you bring your sword. I've bot my crossbow locked and loaded. Gladys, get over her with your light saber! Be vewy, vewy quiet, weah hunting narc-wabbits!

      Feeling a little violent today, I guess. :)

      Love,
      Vanci

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  10. When you guys have time, check out my latest post and follow the link to a new article by Rev. Renee. It goes along well with what Vanci has posted here.

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    1. mulderfan,
      Excellent post and link, lots of really good information. Thank you!

      Love,
      Vanci

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  11. So true, they never stop. I have been nc for a long time with the foo and just over a year with another narc on dh's side. They are the ones who could careless so why keep on bothering me and my family.

    Just recently one of my nparents have become ill and a family member that I'm nc with contacted another family member to tell me. This family member never has the decency to tell me things like this in person. Only through a computer. Typical narc bs...

    Anyway, I haven't replied nor will I unless I feel like Iam forced to. Why in the h*** are they even telling me about my nparents illness...Nfoo have already made it crystal clear that they don't care about my life and never have. It pisses me off when they have never tryed to attempt to contact me to apologize and give a damn, but will tell me about nparents illness. Like I'm suppose to respond to this...Really..!!

    Of course I'm the "cold hearted" b**** because I decided I was done being treated like a piece of trash and want nothing more to do with them.

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