Monday, November 5, 2012

Narc Attacks

A few of my blogger friends are currently under attack from the Narcs in their life and as a result I've spent some time today thinking about and remembering what that felt like.

It's been a long time since I had to endure the full-frontal assaults.  I disconnected long enough ago from the NFOO that we don't have many paths that cross anymore on a regular basis (i.e. I don't work with people who plan BBQs with the N's,) and what brief small town encounters we do have are largely non-events because I could give zero fucks about them.  That's right, you heard that right; how many fucks do I give?  Zero.

 My Narcs are the kind that really don't want to work too hard, you see?  They came at me fast and furious for the first year, but my reactions at that time were soft and shaky and they no doubt knew that if they kept it up long enough, I'd break.  Go back to my lifetime long pattern of giving in.

If they were betting people, I can assure you that that they went all in on my coming crawling back, repentant, to the hearth of the Clan.

Losers, then.

But after it became apparent that I was out, truly out, and that their old bag of tricks wasn't pulling me out of the hat, well.  They quit.  Largely.
A couple of half-hearted attempts were made, primarily when there was an out of the ordinary happening that they felt they could use: NM was hospitalized.  They called.  (And I went, something that I don't regret as it was a complete and total validation of the rightness of my decision to leave in the first place.)  But really, each of the random attempts to reconnect on their part were nothing more than a feeler.  As soon as they realized that I still wasn't going back to the old ways of game playing, well, they quit again.  Which I'm sure works out well for them: I'm a lot easier to blame when I'm not there being all pesky with my truth-telling.

Really, in the last few years, these attempts have seemed laughable to me.  They were pathetic stabs in the dark.  Nothing more.  They wanted the old, usable me.  They didn't want the new and improved version and they were just so fucking befuddled when they finally figured out that the version of Vanci they were looking for didn't exist anymore.  It was like watching the emotional equivalent of a Three Stooges routine where they're trapped in a dark room and trying to find the door.  They trip over everything, especially themselves.

But at the beginning, when every knock on the door, every phone call signaled another assault, I was terrified.  It's scary to have another human being stomp all over your safe places!  Especially when this safe place that you've so carefully created with boundaries and walls and double-chained and barred locked doors has taken you your entire lifetime to build and it's the only safe place you've ever been able to create for yourself.  And it cost buckets of blood just to build it.

And it's confusing to have to go to such lengths to keep out people who've spent their entire lives convincing you that this pain they're delivering on a daily basis isn't actually pain; that you don't know what you feel, that you just need to listen to them because they know what's better for you than you do and that if this thing they're giving you and calling love really feels like awfulness, well that's because there's something wrong with you and it's your fault anyway.

Everyone wants to be loved by their parents.  Everyone.

It's a hard thing to do, realizing that they don't love.  I didn't forget the 'us.'  They don't love. Period.

They spend forever teaching us that we are unlovable, that we are the reason that their love doesn't work, that we are responsible for the bad and never provide the good, that it is our job to provide in the first place and that we have failed before we start.

But it doesn't really have anything to do with us anyway, ever.
It's about them.

They can't love, or they won't love.  Either way, they don't love.

So take heart, dear friends.
In creating safety for ourselves and learning what we need, that we have a right to want it and taking action to ensure it, we are doing right by ourselves.

I've said to my DD's and some of the young ladies that I mentor often that I know this to be absolute truth:  I ALWAYS HAVE A RIGHT TO DEFEND MYSELF.  Always.
And so do you.

Sending lots of pixie dust into the ACoNverse tonight.

Love,
Vanci

25 comments:

  1. " As soon as they realized that I still wasn't going back to the old ways of game playing, well, they quit again. Which I'm sure works out well for them: I'm a lot easier to blame when I'm not there being all pesky with my truth-telling."
    This really clarified and hit home with me when it comes to my Ngrandmother and company. I was a pawn or more like a tool for them to hurt others by having me 'on their side'. They never cared, even my partner pointed that out recently.
    N 'love' being drip fed to keep you alive enough to used. It's repulsive.

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    1. DM,
      Repulsive is the perfect word to describe it, just perfect.

      Love,
      Vanci

      Delete
  2. I'm so grateful that my NFOO, like yours, "are the kind that really don't want to work too hard".

    They live an hour away and none of them drive, besides, they're too damn proud to make any attempt to win me back. It used to bother me that they won't even pick up the phone and attempt a fake apology but after reading the kind of attacks some bloggers have to endure, yeah, I'm down on my knees grateful!

    Funny how hard I worked to be kind and helpful (indispensable?) so they'd need me and love me. In the end, they discarded me like a piece of garbage.

    But, at least, I know with 100% certainty that I mean nothing to them and I'm no longer in the middle of the swirling drama they call life.

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    Replies
    1. mulderfan,
      One of the interesting paradoxes to me is that my 'family' was so, so incredibly abusive when I was a child and when I was still enmeshed. Not that there are levels of right or wrong in abuse, but if we listed out every single kind of horrific, prosecutable abuse that abusers can dish out, I'd be able to check the box of "Yes, they did this to me" next to every single one.

      But, when I grew some cajones and made me Stand and stood by it, well, they didn't try very long to get past those iron clad boundaries.

      It seems like an inverse relationship to me. Horrific abuse= giving up easily?
      Weird.

      I also know with 100% certainty that they've got nothing I want.

      Love,
      Vanci

      Delete
  3. Wild cheering over here at my computer. This morning I needed to read this. "...they don't love." Kind of validating what I am working on right now. I am with mulderfan only my parents are just a half a mile away and drive past my house but won't stop. Fascinating for me to watch and hear that they complain that I don't come to see them. They don't love and I don't think they know how. I am lucky to have the variety that prefer to ignore me. Makes my life fairly easy when I live so close by.

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    1. Ruth,
      Thanks for the wild cheering, that made me smile. ;)
      I don't know if they know how to love or not, only that they don't.

      Love,
      Vanci

      Delete
  4. Mon Dieu. 18 yrs. of scorched earth WAR courtesy of Psychob.....y'know, I get intellectually more than emotionally how it must feel to be left alone or NC'd by the NFOO's. But there's a part of me that envies the ones who were pretty much ignored instead of war-ed about to death. Really. It's still gotta be painful, just in a different way.
    TW

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    1. TW,
      I know a little bit about the difference; my first husband was one of the outward-facing war making varieties of Narc. My NFOO includes various levels of warmongers/ignorers, but their general poor us consensus of silence is the main false face of the last few years.

      IMO, the pain caused by either brand of nasty is comparable. The main difference that I've noticed is that it is much, much easier to not blame ourselves for the man over there reaping destruction with a flamethrower than it is for us to cast aside the self-doubt of guilt for the quiet destruction caused by the old lady with the knife in our back whose public face proclaims that she couldn't possibly be doing anything wrong.

      Either way, though, they're trying to kill us.

      Love,
      Vanci

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    2. I'm currently trying to discern who DH's NFOO are more like: TW's stalkers, or Vanci's wimpy shot in the darkers. Because so far, since we've gone NC, we've seen evidence of both. I'm hoping in the long run, they figure out that we're never going to give up on our fight for peace, respect, and immovable boundaries and leave us the fuck alone.

      Time (and possibly some legal battles) will tell.

      But I think it's going to get ugly first and then abate later.

      What if we all just grasp hands together, all of us ACoNS and spouses of ACoNS, and create a wall. A barrier. That the narcs can't get through? Let's create a chain of people to keep them out.

      That's part of what I think we're doing here on these blogs.

      Love you guys. You are seriously inspirational and give me strength in these trying times.

      Delete
  5. I don't know if this is relevant to the post, but it's what came to mind.
    Before I went no contact, my mother was in the hospital at least once a year. Sometimes every six months. She hasn't had any emergency that I know of in three years. Not now there is no one close by to run down and dote on her.

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    Replies
    1. Q,
      Interesting how they change their game based on the audience, isn't it? It's like... it was all just a shadow game means to an end in the first place.
      In my experience, they'll always play to the crowd most likely to pay.

      Love,
      Vanci

      Delete
    2. Similar thing here. My NPs had me constantly running to the rescue because they didn't have appropriate living accommodations. A few months after I threw in the towel they suddenly moved to a retirement residence where the pros take excellent care of them.

      One of the biggest favours they ever did for me. No more guilt!!!

      Delete
  6. We do have the right to defend ourselves from attack. Thanks for the reminder, Vanci. And thanks for being you.

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    1. upsi,
      We do, we really do!
      Thank you.

      Love,
      Vanci

      Delete
  7. "They don't love." That is so difficult to wrap a mind around. The world touts how everyone wants love and gives love and the whole love fest, and there is nothing to convince them some people simply choose not to love.

    My sister actually stops by the house on Saturdays and they leave and then complain she never visits. NM says she's visiting with me. We've just come from a walk. Granted, we don't put up with any games. NM blames me. I don't let her talk. I interrupt her. I'm cold. I'm hostile. What she doesn't tell anyone: She won't put in her hearing aids. Her hair's wet. So she can't hear whatever we're saying unless we yell. She makes comments that have nothing to do with the conversation. She wants to talk about what she wants to talk about. She resents a different opinion and doesn't want to hear it. She wants everything to be nice, by her definition, which changes on her mood... oops... sorry, hit a nerve. Thanks again, Vanci, for the "They don't love."

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    1. Judy,
      That was a key for me, understanding that I had to give up the notion that they do love and then understanding that I was not capable of doing anything at all to change that.

      Your description of the way you're treated is so sad.

      Love
      Vanci

      Delete
  8. Thanks for today's post. I've been following a number of ACON blogs over the past few months and recently went NC after a pretty nasty attack by my NM and NF. This will be my first real holiday as an "orphan" (at least it's official now, though felt that way for many years). I'm struggling with my guilt. My Narc team is elderly, always involved in some health crisis. I'm currently off work due to a chronic illness that finally depleted me both physically and emotionally. I know that I was not loved, nor will I ever be. I think I'm just caught in that space between what I know and what I wish I had. I have two small kids, a loving husband, but I have such a void in my life. The bloggers give me hope and put words to my thoughts.

    November 6, 2012 8:23 AM

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    1. LostGirl263,
      Oh, I'm so sorry that you're going through the void. It does get better, it really does. There's so much hope in all these blogs and people, and you are in the right place.

      Eventually that void closes, I'm here to tell you. Thanks for reading.

      Love,
      Vanci

      Delete
    2. A therapist told me we accept things on an intellectual level more easily than we accept them on an emotional level. That explains the "gap".

      Delete
  9. Thank you Vanci. This post is particularly meaningful to me right now.

    It seems to me that the minute we strengthened ONE boundary, which I suppose they must have seen as communication in some weird way, they flew into their narc rages and started pounding on our doors. Because you know what I attribute some of these latest attacks on us to? No kidding - the fact that DH, a few weeks ago, attempted to start blocking all of the ridiculous emails he's been receiving from them at work over the last 18 months.

    One strengthened boundary. One angry mob.

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    Replies
    1. Rev Renee says any response is considered communication but IMO DH blocking emails was a necessity.

      My NGC brother went apeshit when I blocked his calls but he also went apeshit when I started ignoring an email or voicemail.

      I think these freaks just look for an excuse to get their knickers in a knot!

      Delete
    2. Hi Jonsi!
      I have a post that I'm hoping to put up tonight about the Narc progression/escalation and what I've seen in my own experience as well as observation of others'. Yes, the onslaught is about the blocking of emails (traceable directly to NMIL's perceived access?) and about the ever mounting proof of DH's (and your) level of seriousness in the matter of holding boundaries.

      It's a progression, and I see you and DH staying miles ahead of it.

      Three cheers for you!
      Love,
      Vanci

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    3. mulderfan,
      You said knickers.
      (giggle)
      They're total panty bunchers, aren't they? :)

      Love,
      Vanci

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    4. Jonsi,
      Also, I'd say that this is one of the first boundaries that they CAN'T blame on you. It's DH's work, not within spousal control. It's one of the first non-Jonsi-involved areas that DH has set a boundary at. And it gets serious when you start messing with a Narc's ability to maintain the lie they've constructed.

      Love,
      Vanci

      Delete
  10. I'm actually surprised I didn't get any further escalation from my parents after I declined to respond my dad's voicemails about my grandfather's death and did not attend the funeral. I'm glad, for certain. It's been a month now, so maybe I shouldn't get my hopes up too much.

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